Why am I being such a cowbag?

[poissonrouge]

I have two children. I want a third. About a year ago amongst my group of friends it transpired that a fair few of us were planning on another baby. We joked that we'd all be bump buddies.

A couple of friends got pregnant straight away. Gradually, one by one, everyone who said they were planning another has fallen pregnant except me. Some of the babies are here already. Lots of bumps.

In fact, I am having one of those times where EVERYONE I know seems to be pregnant. My SiL. My niece. Two cousins. My postlady. Ds's teachers. 7 women at the school gate! my oldest and best friend. And, of course, most of my group of girl friends.

But, y'know, it was okay. I already have two beautiful children. I do desperately want another. I had moments of envy and glumness, but overall just calmness, optimism, and genuine happiness for all the bumps and babies.

I had 3 friends who weren't pregnant. One not remotely thinking about trying. One wavering. One TTC.

The TTC friend is now pregnant. This is wonderful, she is my friend and I love her and want only good things for her.

So... why do I feel so bitterly betrayed by her? It doesn't make sense. Instead of feeling genuinely happy for her I feel jealous and bitter and pinched. It is so ugly of me. I don't want to see her. I don't want to have to keep asking excitedly how her scan went. I don't want to discuss baby names with her. I selfishly miss my drinking buddy and am cross and just horrid.

I didn't feel this way about any of my other friends. I have happily spent time with 3 other preg women this week, and two newborns. I am not closer to her than the others. I KNEW she was ttc. Why did it feel like a body blow when she told me?

I am going out of my way not to let a drop of this vileness show. I just cry by myself and think selfish, bitter thoughts.

Why can't I be genuinely happy for her? Where has this ugly, jealous me come from? Why am I taking her pregnancy so personally?

I can't avoid her, it would be obvious. I am going out with another friend tomorrow night and she said "hey, invite [preg friend] along!" and my heart sank. But she is one of my favourite people in the world.

Am I going to get flamed for this?

Why am I being such an arse?

You are hurt because you are not pregnant yet - I have felt the same many times. You MUST NOT let your bitterness show. I think you are doing the right thing by avoiding for a few days while your feelings blow themselves out.

You might be on the other end of this sort of feeling one day. I know I try super hard to support preg friends (dont have many) even when I am thinking "why cant this be my turn"...

you're not being an arse and you don't need to get flamed, you're just being totally honest here cos you can be!

we're all human, we all feel angry and upset about things others might not get (at the time), doesn't make it wrong.

of course how you're feeling isn't nice, you know that better than anyone. But you're hurting and thats causing your pain and anguish

its just hard to see others having what you long for, not a new car or a big house, something a million times more important than that

my thing that makes me hurt is seeing fit active grandparents with their grandkids and knowing my 2 missed out on that and I'm missing out too, that can make me cry anytime

I hope you find some comfort in your 2 lovely kids, having a little cry does help sometimes, I only wish I had better advice or words of support

ssdx

You are right. I mustn't let her know.

But we know each other well and she is not stupid. She knows it must be hard for me.

And I am so busy tripping over myself trying to act COMPLETELY NATURAL and happy and interested around her so she doesn't suspect a thing, that it's a bit strained really.

Fuck.

I want to STOP feeling like a jealous bitch. I want to make myself feel something I don't feel. How do I do that? I want to be happy for her. I AM happy for her. How do I get over this before my friend notices that instead of the nice, kind, generous person she thinks I am, I am actually a seething bitter old cowbag?

your friend will probably actually guess your feelings and might be able to talk to you and make you feel a bit better

Maybe ssd.

In fact, she is being particularly lovely to me at the moment, going out of her way to do nice things. Maybe it is her way of making it up to me? Not that she should have to.

Ugh. I am apalled with myself.

That's helpful dogfish

Hormonally induced greed?

No, you're right, you don't understand.

Fuck off with your fucking porche analogy.

dogfish, what a nob you are!

am so jealous of your wife..........NOT!

actually take the wife comment back, what straight man says "cripes" these days??

You are human, tis all.

dogfish It's nice that you want to understand but the comparison to a car is not really in the ballpark. Having a baby is more about how you see yourself, your life dreams and hopes for your family identity, as well as personal fulfilment and your relationship with your partner - so much more than owning a car!
poissonr (red herring?) Can you spend some quiet time reflecting on the reasons why a 3rd baby is important to you? What does it mean to you? Perhaps this will help to recognise where in particular these feelings are coming from?
You don't say if you are actually ttc, but I'm sure you know that these things often have their own timetable! In the meantime having just 2 has a lot of advantages in terms of the amount of attention you can give as a parent, fun things you can do that are difficult with a newborn/toddler as your DCs get older.
Hope this helps.
BTW hats off to you for your honesty!

Ignore dogfish. Tell her, lightly how jealous you are, and maybe you will laugh about it. Better than trying and failing to hide it- at least that is what I have done in your place, I think people understand and then you will feel happier for her too.

I agree with talkingnonsense, I think your friend would rather know, and I think you'd feel a huge weight off your shoulders if you share your totally understandable feelings with her.

Is this friend the last of your group of broody mums to conceive? Perhaps this is why your feelings are so strong about it, if you feel it just leaves you TTC?

I remember telling a work colleague that I was expecting - she had never been able to fall pregnant and I could see how bitter she felt that I'd swanned in all pregnant and happy, and I could completely understand her feelings. I understand them even more now from the perspective of TTC at the moment, and failing miserably

I feel the same. It hurts to see all my friends get pregnant or even planning number 2 or 3 when I am nowhere near even finding a man to get pregnant again with. It sucks.

You are not a cowbag - this is very hard and you need to give yourself time and go easy on yourself.

My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time and we had older children born within a month of each other so we used to see each other once or twice a week and enjoy "imagine when the babies come, we will be able to do such and such together" conversations. It was all lovely and then she miscarried. And then it was so sad for her that she had lost her baby and that she had a constant reminder of her lost pregnancy and baby through seeing me and my bump. I was so sad for her.

There was a distance between us for a few months - a natural distance, just brought about by the sadness and I felt she needed space. We didn't discuss the space between us but we did talk about her miscarriage and her being back TTC. Maybe we tiptoed around each other and the situation for those few months. Then I had my baby and shortly after she became pregnant and we have children 1 year apart and when they were pre-schoolers we spent loads of time together. She is very special.

The difficult time in no way damaged our friendship and I think that was in part due to the fact we respected each others need for space and gave it without needing big demanding discussions about it. I would keep your distance ifyou need to, try not to let your upset show to her and have optimistic thoughts that you'll be pregnant soon and able to share that news with your friends.