not sure i can do this much longer

[mrsnohoper]

I have been with my husband for 16 years, we have two children under five and i am a stay at home mum,
recently i have been coming to the conclusion that we should seperate , but i worry about the effect it willl have on my chidren,
we keep having the same conversations, i dont exactly fancy him any more, i never want sex , he is very controlling to the point of checking my phone, getting out of bed if he can hear me talking to anybody on fb.. wanting to know exactly what i have been doing all day etc, i have never done anything to deserve this..
i have tried to resolve the issues but after several long chats where we agree things need to change, nothing does, there is no affection, no kissing cuddles etc and i just feel ike there is nothing left to hold onto, the kids dont deserve to hear the argueing but it would break there hearts if he didnt live here any more. i dont know what to do, i dont feel like me anymore.

Does i help at all if i say that I agree that you should not be doing this any more ?

Leave your relationship before your dc get any older.

It will get harder and harder to leave over time, for lots of reasons

and he isn't going to change, is he ?

he doesn't want to, crucially

It will break your DC hearts alot more to grow up in an atmosphere with arguing.

i think you are doing the right thing in posting and tackling this op. even your 'name seems so sad.

If your children are being affected, then it will be detrimental in the long term.

i name changed for this post, i would hate to be twenty years down the line wishing i had done something , and the thought of my children remebering growing up for argueing and dorr slamming etc is not a nice thought at all, i do my best to sheild them from it, there is certainly no violence but they do pick up on the atmosphere even though i try to keep shouting etc to a minimum,
on the other hand the thought of being a single mum scares me, i can think of dozens or reasons to keep trying although none of them are for my benefit they are all becuase i dont wnat to break up a home.
I feel guilty in sense that i am in some way wnating to much, maybe my expectations are to high, but i feel at the end of my tether with it all,

Even if the DC don't actually hear the arguing they will know what is going on.
A home is somewhere that everyone feels safe and protected- doesn't matter whether there is 1 parent or 2.

well you have to what is best for all of you.

life is too short and being a single mum, you never know, it might enable you to concentrate on your children more! i am one now, and it was scary to begin with, but it's turned out fine. We have survived, we are our own unit.

OP

Your DH sounds awfully insecure and controlling.

Leave or ask him to.

You need to end this 'relationship' before the DCs start to pick up on the tension in the house.

What reason does he have not to trust you?

No-one should have to live in a loveless, sexless, unhappy marriage. Easy for me to say but I'd be making plans to end this.

One way or another.

Do you have any RL support? Mum? Sister/brother? Friends?

If you're not in love with him, then you're just going through the motions for the DCs sake.

That NEVER ends well IME.

Better to have two loving parents happily living apart, than two very unhappy parents living together, along with a horrible atmosphere hanging over their heads.

What are you going to do? Do you think you could tell him it's over and stick to it? Will he try and persuade you to stay?

It took me reading to the bit where you said he was controlling to agree with you that you should leave.

Its the tough thing to do. I do believe you need to teach your children what is unacceptable in a relationship is. believe me, this is unacceptable

Hi Mrsno

I was in your position and stuck my head in the sand for another eight years. Eventually I had a stupid affair, realised I was being mildly abusive and disrespectful to my DH and after a year of counselling moved out.

The relief is amazing. I have stopped having to pretend how I feel and can be honest. My DH is coping but sad and the DC appear to be okay too.

I wish I had dealt with my feelings earlier, more honestly and bravely and not got into the awful shitty mess I did.

Well done you for looking at this head on and be brave!