DH's relationship with DS - advice/support needed

[newmummyneedshelp]

Hi,

I am beginning to get concerned about DH's relationship with my 2 month old DS.

Background: My DH is lovely. He is so good to me, cares for me etc. He does loads around the house (cooking, ironing etc) and our marriage is a really good partnership. We very, very rarely argue as we just get along so well. Sorry if this bit sounds smug!

We had our DS 2 months ago. Was difficult at the start but I feel that we (I?) have settled down into parenthood a bit now.

My DH is generally really good with our DS. Does as much with him as me, changes, bathes, feeds him etc. At weekends, he gets up with him to give me a lie-in (he works during the week), plays with DS, kisses him, tells him he loves him etc.

So, what's the problem? Well, DS really struggles when DS is crying. This weekend, I came down when I heard DS crying, DS was really wound up and said "I just hate him". I took DS, didn't lose it with DH and discussed this with him. Eventually, DH said didn't hate DS, just hated the crying. Fine, I don't love it, who does, but never feel anything but love for DS. Do I just handle the crying better?

Rest of day was fine but this is not the first time DH has been like this. He has told DS to "shut up" before when he was crying and it just makes me feel so upset and angry with him. I end up just taking DS off him. I am better at staying calm and calming DS but feel this just makes DH feel that he is no good with him, can't calm him, Dh gets more wound up, catch 22.

I have much more experience with babies through family and friends than DH (he has none) so maybe this makes a difference?

Later, we were discussing DS and DH said that he loved him but he was "just a baby". He said that other people have said children were the best thing that ever happened to them but DS wasn't, I was. I said that perhaps he will feel differently when DS is responding more, laughing when you tickle him etc. Was just trying to re-assure him (myself?) though, not sure if this is true.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? I am trying not to show DH my upset and worry as I feel that will just make things worse. I want to try to help him with DS and am hoping that their relationship and DH's feelings for DS will grow over time. Am I being realistic in hoping this? Like I said, he is a good Daddy in all other ways but am starting to worry.

I have lots of RL friends with babies but don't really want to talk about this with them - it feels too personal somehow and also feel a bit ashamed we are facing this problem when other friends seemed to do so well. Also, feel like I would be betraying DH in telling our friends about this.

I have name changed for this post.

Sorry if this is long an rambling but basically, WWYD?

Is this your first?

Dh was much the same tbh. Really struggled when the babes were tiny and when they were crying. I was bf, which tbh didn't help the situation - if ds was really upset, I could just whip out a boob and instant consolation, obviously not something he could try.

He found/finds it much easier when they get a wee bit older and more 'interactive' for want of a better word. That dh got the first smiles (both times!) kinda upset me a bit, when I'd been the one doing the majority of teh caring, but it was so good for dh and his relationship with them.

Please don't worry x

Yes, first child. Am mix feeding so recognise the whipping out the boob!

Not got much helpful to add. Except my DH was great at the practical side of our DC being tiny eg with nappies, bathing etc but he got frustrated with the crying (tho have to say if I'd heard him say "I hate him I would have been devastated but sleep depravation and frustration cause us all to act out of character). But my DH really came into his own with the kids as they got older. He is fab with our 5yr old and really from as soon as she was toddling/speaking they would often go off on their own and have a great time.
Likewise I know some men who have been great with newborns but struggled with the toddler stage.
Hope that makes sense!

I agree with shineon. We all have our best and worst bits of dealing with babies. The names I've called DH when I've got my boob out for the millionth time that!!
Tho we did make an agreement that what is said/sworn in the middle of the night stays in the middle of the night. no need to continue it to the next day. like i say-sleewp deprivation does crazy things to you!
sorry for typos BFin for 100th time today already!!

would it help if you showed him other ways of settling your DS? My sons dad was a little like this, he admitted he just didnt know what to do when our son cried an he felt stupid, so i taught him things that seemed so natural to me, like rocking him in the pram, holding him closely and doing the figure of 8 thing with my hips. Maybe if he had a kind of plan of things that settle your ds he could give each one a try until one works an it could help him feel more incontrol of the situation?

My DH was similar when DD was tiny. He always either gave up and handed her to me (to BF - boob in mouth = silence) or he would go on and on in the middle of the night about how she must be ill and we should take her to A&E.

Otherwise he's a wonderful dad, but was just totally unable to cope with her crying and feeling helpless, plus resulting sleep deprivation.

One thing we both did when she was little to settle her during the day (if bf did not work) was to pop her in the buggy/car seat and go for a walk/drive. We would take it in turns and it's amazing how much easier it is to cope with once you're out of the four walls.

I am currently pg with DC2 and have been thinking about tactics for coping this time around. I think I will be doing a combination of a) using a dummy on occasion (rather than me as human dummy again - DH can put dummy in as well as me), b) introducing an expressed bottle feed a day earlier, so that DH can get more involved, and c) turn spare bedroom into a nursery from the start with a bed for me in there, so that DH can get the sleep he needs (he works long hours, is now sole earner) and doesn't have to be woken by the crying too much.

I know that not everyone likes dummies (my MIL hates them so we didn't use with DD) but all of my NCT friends used them and they seemed to find it much easier to settle their babies, whilst I just sat there with DD clasped to my boob to keep her quiet...

Thanks for all the replies. Just wanted to know that it wasn't just us so you've really reassured me. DH upstairs now, having bathed DS and I can hear him reading to him.

Uh-oh - now I can hear crying!

He doesn't hate your DS, he hates the helpless feeling of not being able to settle him!

As hard as it is to hear that kind of thing, I would be grateful that you and your DH can be open with each other and share the ups and downs of parenting together without having to keep up any kind of front.

I remember when DC1 was really little and had been awake screaming for hours while DH was on a night shift. I can still see his little red face. I was at my wits end.

DH got home eventually and found us asleep in bed together which was v unusual as normally he was such a good sleeper and had slept thru straight away from day one. I explained how bad he was and said "tomorrow get him away from me or I am going to do him serious damage" which I didn't mean but I was tired and desperate.

The next day was Saturday and so DH took him to DH's mums for a few hours but before he went DS did the most horrendous hard poo, it felt like concrete in his nappy. I realised that was what had been upsetting him as it moved thru his guts and I felt so so awful and guilty.

I'm still glad DH was just understanding and we could share the load and help each other out.

Err sorry this has turned into an epic! Not sure what point I'm trying to get across but hope it helps in some way