How do I talk about his Dad to DSS?

[MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny]

I was with Ex 15 yrs before we split painfully. Alcohol problems among other things, anger management and a huge rift between him and our DS.

He doesn't see that he has a drink problem and has regular contact with our DC's (DS 12 AND DD 8). Although it took a long time for DS to build a relationship with him.

Ex has pretty well isolated himself from everyone apart from his Mum, the kids and when he sees me. Apart from one friend who is an old mate and drinking partner.

DSS (who is 25) is very worried about is Dad but lives a long way from where we are. His Dad won't talk to him and only keeps reiterating that all he wants is to be back as part of the family and that many of his problems stem from the fact that he isn't.

On saturday he took the DSC's to see his Mum, who is furious with me for not having Ex back, doesn't believe that he has a drink issue and doesn't massively like my DS. She made a massive point of buying Ex some cider and making sure he took it. DS went into meltdown, walked out of his Dads after a huge row.

DSS rang me yesterday, expressing his concerns and I am beside myself. I love my DSS's and find it painful and difficult to discuss his Dad with him, he is very close to his Dad and is truly a lovely young man. But I am angry with his Nana and his Dad, I am now dealing with two very traumatised DS's (DD was traumatised by the argument and DS walking out of his Dad's, she is confused by her Dad's drinking).

I can't ring ExMiL because I am too furious and she just plays the innocent and I want nothing to do with her. I thi k she is a vicious, manipulative spiteful woman to do this as she very much knew the position with her Grandson's concerns about is Dad drinking.

But DSS? He isn't blind to his Dad's issues and has been nothing but supportive of me and his little brother and sister since the split. I just don't know how to deal with it and keep myself together because I struggle myself.

I just feel like crumpling. I can't talk in depth to my Mum or Dad, my brother has his own drink issues. I am in counselling,

The kids are constantly bickering which I am struggling with, I have put so much into trying so make this house a stable calm place for them but when stuff comes up it all explodes because we are all emotionally stressed.

I don't know where to start.

I have tried to link DS to AA for Teens but just keep getting teen drinker sites. Does anyone have a link please?

I am struggling to do this anymore

What a shitty situation for you. Sorry I don't have the links but someone should be along in a minute who can guide you to the support organisations for alcoholics' families.
DOes the vile MIL drink herself? Or does she just get off on power and manipulation?

Thanks SGB.

She doesn't drink now but the family were very big drinkers. She is IMO very manipulative and we had a difficult relationship from the start.

I both can and can't believe that she would do that to DS, It is characteristic of her but it beggers belief that she still did.

Have you seen AlaTeen link here It's typically for 12-17 yo. If you need for older, the Al-Anon site might be the right place to start link here

I've no direct experience of this, but recalled that AA is for the alcoholic, but Al-Anon is for the families

Thank you LittleMiss... that is what I was wanting but looking in the wrong place.

That's a great help .

you are welcome, I really hope you can get some help for your DSS and for all of you tbh.

Good luck!

He texted me to day to say he wanted to have DS over for dinner to 'talk about what occurred and 'how it is'' I don't know what that means.

If he finds out DSS is talking to me I think he will feel dreadfully betrayed. He has got 'issues' that I think he needs professional help with and that with the best will in the world, even if I hadn't been hurt, in the end we would just get stuck in this cycle because he doesn't think he should get formal help.

I am frightened that he is giving up on his relationship with DS and investing most of his emotions in DD because she is 'easier' . And DS is beginning to see it.

You will not be the first DW/DSS to have a conversation about an alcoholic father and won't be the last.

If he sees this concern for him as betrayal, so be it. His behaviour has robbed you of a husband, and him a father.

This lad is unable to do this himself, he needs help, and he is concerned for his father.

Whatever happens DSS will need support.

Where is DSS's mum? If he has no or little contact with her you may be a very valuable person.

Even if they are close you still have more up to date info on how his dad is and what he is like.

The main thing I have found with alcohol dependence is the web of lies that grows. If you can be truthful at least someone in dss's life is there.

My dad is in close contact with his 4 ex stepchildren, it can be helpful as long as you don't over extend yourself. it sounds as if you have lots on your plate, do you have support?

For all that has passed, I am concerned also, I don't have the nature to want to just write him off. We had 15 yrs and 2 children together,

I get frustrated, angry, hurt, confused, sad, lost, but the thought of the DC's father sitting alone and lonely, even if through his own choices does not rest easy with me.

My counsellor has said that in her professional opinion she is counselling someone who was the partner of a man with NPD(?), but admits she could not make that a 'diagnosis' as she hasn't seen him, but from the way I talk about our relationship that is her perception.

I have to separate my emotions from it to talk to DSS because I think he needs support like you say. I apologise to him every time I say something that has to come across as a criticism of someone from his family. (i.e discussing his brother's distress at their Nana buying their Dad alcohol) I try to be diplomatic and DSS is torn.

I am sorry, I am rambling, this weekend has dredged up some issues I try not to deal with because they just go in circles.

Thank you for your time LittleMiss x

DSS's Mum lives in the same town as DSS's Dad, but there is little love lost between them, especially from Exes side. They had a very very messy relationship but DSS2 (there is an older DSS but he has a very different outlook on life) is a warm, loving individual who seemed to come through it all remarkably balanced.

I feel a little calmer for writing my thoughts down.

Re the lies. I just don't know where their Dad is re drink. He said he would give it up for all the pain it caused, but weeks later was drinking again, although he said not much. But the kids know this and are gutted at what they see as a betrayal. Their Dad has said to me that he should be able to drink so they know he can drink responsibly but I suspect this masks a need that he can't acknowledge. DS is beside himself on so many levels.

I think he thought that if he gave up we could just get back together and when that wasn't going to be the case, there was no point in giving it up. It's all so very sad.

My main support is my counsellor and MN. I became pretty isolated through my marriage apart from one friend and haven't the confidence, opportunity of finances to start developing new avenues. My Mum and Dad have problems so I try not to lean on them too much, my extended family are quite a way away and as I am self employed, working from home it is generally just me.

And I have massive trust issues

The ExMiL said of DS when he couldn't bear to see his Dad after he first left that he was a 'horrible little boy'. She just isn't going to offer DSS any positive support and he admits she bad mouths me when they do talk.

"Their Dad has said to me that he should be able to drink so they know he can drink responsibly" classic excusue and not true. Mum, having been through AA now shows she is responsible by not drinking ever. Its hard for her I know.

There may be a support network for families of alcoholics near you. Try the AA web site perhaps