I'm flying back to the UK tomorrow after a week in a major US city with DH, where he's been working and I've been holidaying/seeing flats with a view to perhaps moving here. My flight was paid for by work which implies they are seriously considering moving us over here, but they have done similar before and nothing has come of it.
Anyway. Our marriage has been getting steadily worse over the past year or so. I am not sure if it has got worse or my opinion of it has, actually. Some things which I was never bothered by (H's drinking, his attitude towards sex), bother me now and that has changed how I feel about him and us. But his drinking is, objectively, an issue. As is his attitude towards sex.
If I had to distil it into one thing, it would be that he doesn't respect me.
Anyway. There was a crisis point on our first evening here (posted about it earlier under 'feel like my head is going to explode'). Last night I told him I felt our relationship is in crisis and potentially over. He did the usual, saying I was being unreasonable and overreacting.
He said that if it was all about his drinking (I said no, it wasn't, but that was a major issue), then fine, he wouldn't drink anymore. I said I thought that was unnecessarily black and white and he said no, no, fine, if you're saying our relationship could be over because of my drinking then fine, no more alcohol ever.
I said that I was afraid of him saying that because I didn't think it was something he'd stick to.
We talked some more. I felt much better for having discussed it all.
Today we went out for lunch; he had two pints with our meal (I also drank). Then in the evening we met up briefly with a friend. Over an hour and a half, she and I had one alcoholic drink each (she had a beer then switched to water, I had a drink then a soft drink then just water), H had three pints.
In the cab on the way back to the hotel, I said "do you remember saying you were giving up drinking?" H said yes. I said "what was that, then?"
We talked for a couple of hours. The gist was:
"fair point", he'd said no more drinking and then had five pints the next day.
but "he hadn't thought it was from now" (he conceded he had said it was), and "if you are saying I can't drink anymore I think a major lifestyle change takes more than one night".
I said I wasn't saying he could or couldn't do anything, he was the one who'd said he wasn't going to drink anymore. I asked why he said 'no more drinking' if what he meant was 'once we are back in the UK', or thought it would be impossible with his lifestyle.
He said that he'd said it because he thought I was saying that it was the only way to save our marriage.
I said "so, believing that I was saying either you stop drinking from now or our relationship is over, you said you would stop drinking entirely - then had five pints the next day". He prevaricated and said "yes I can see it doesn't follow logically", "I can see why you are saying what you are saying" etc etc.
Fine, whatever.
He maintained that it had nothing to do with respect. Lots more talking which was basically him complaining that I am angry all the time and me saying that I wasn't angry I was miserable because I think our relationship is over, etc etc.
(He didn't say sorry at any point, even sorry for making a promise he had no intention of keeping).
It's ridiculous; I knew he'd forget what he'd said immediately. I knew he wouldn't stop drinking just like that. It's not that which bothers me especially, it's his pathetic justifications.
I think our relationship - as I thought it was - might actually be unrecoverable. I don't see the point of counselling, I can't be bothered to make the mental effort when I've been the only adult in the relationship for so long (that's how I feel and may not be fair). He's got form for saying what he thinks people want to hear so he doesn't 'get in trouble'.
Anyway, whatever. I am wondering what next. I asked him to make use of the days he'll have out here while I am in the UK to think about how he'd like us to proceed. He said he didn't want us to break up. I said fine, think about what you would like us to do.
Is it reasonable to demand he have a suggestion (not a solution, a suggestion), he's put some effort into? Not just say "we should go to counselling", but have found a counsellor and made inquiries? Not just "I don't want to split up", but have a plan of action?
I've thought about trying to distance myself emotionally. I am too emotionally invested in his drinking (I take it personally, especially as I know he knows I hate how he is when he is drunk - so every time he comes home in that state it feels like a kick in the teeth). I can't 'get over' some things he has said and done in the past - I think though that part of that is his refusal to engage in discussions he decides are 'critical'. He'll say "fine, whatever, it upset you" but doesn't care why and doesn't stop doing it.
An example is, he did something sexually without my consent, and was genuinely taken aback by my negative reaction. I explained that doing it without an explicit yes was not okay ever (no matter how many things he thought were similar had happened in the past), and must never happen again. To this day, if you asked him why I was upset about that, he'd say I 'suddenly decided' that something which had previously been fine wasn't, and that now he's 'afraid to touch me'. We have never really worked through it and the resultant loss of trust in his respect for me as a person rather than a wank bag.
Essay enough here I think. I am wondering about parallel lives - it feels so empty and worth so much less when we did genuinely adore each other, but it might be better than splitting up given I have zero interest in another romantic relationship and he doesn't want to break up and we have three DCs.
I'm just knackered and bored of it all.