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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Serious talk in store for me tonight

23 replies

chocoholic · 16/01/2011 15:07

I dont really know what to do. The last 2 weekends DH has really turned on me & started having a go about how disatisfied he is with how things are with me as a SAHM.

He accused me of not wanting to spend time with our DS (true sometimes as he has ASD so can be hard work), not washing his jeans quick enough this week etc etc etc.

Last night we went out with friends and then once they went we stopped off in a pub for a drink. He started having a go again and then upped and walked out to get a taxi on his own. We got home at the same time in seperate taxis (WTF???).

I'm 38, not a 15 year old, I'm just sick of being treated like a skivvy or hearing how awful I am.

Have told him I don't really want to spend time with him today and am waiting for an apology to which he replied I wouldn't be getting one.

He wants to have a talk tonight which will consist of him again telling me how awful I am and how he is not happy.

Do I do this? Do I just ignore him and just leave everything hanging? Things are tough enough somedays without having him giving me an ear bashing about how dreadful I am.

OP posts:

tinkerbell41 · 16/01/2011 15:12

i,ve of no use to you but i do know this my exhub would have told me often how useless i was at things and how i could be so much better til it got to point that i believed him and in some ways acted it out...once i found the guts to stand up to him it was amazing as i realised i was a decent person and he could just lump it or leave...i spent 11years being someone i wasnt-i would never go there again..we all have our shortcomings but noone has the right to judge us as they not perfect either...

ABZMike · 16/01/2011 15:30

Does he understand how tough your days are even though you are at home?

What happened 2 weeks ago? Has he had bad news at work or something like that?

Aside from that sounds like he's being an arse, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

MargaretGraceBondfield · 16/01/2011 15:38

I only have one piece of advice and that's re your chat. The rule for the chat is that he can only criticise himself and you yourself. So he needs to say things like:
I am guilty of getting pissed off and resentful about you not washing my jeans quick enough and so I am going to put a dark wash on on a Thursday,
then your go
I am going to try to get all washing done on Monday, Wednesday FRiday....

oir whatever.

Tell that these are the conditions for the chat and he either agrees or no chat.

WherecanIhide · 16/01/2011 15:51

It's always easier to blame everyone else [you]for the things which he finds he is unhappy about rather than look towards himself for the actual reasons of his dissatisfaction. Very weak characteristic imho x

Earlybird · 16/01/2011 15:54

Agree with Mike - what happened 2 weeks ago? Why did things between you change? Were you/he reasonably happy before that?

atswimtwolengths · 16/01/2011 17:06

Margaret, I have never heard of anyone having a talk like that!

MargaretGraceBondfield · 16/01/2011 17:11

ATS....well then you've never been to relate!

ENormaSnob · 16/01/2011 17:21

How long have you been a sahm?

Was it a joint decision or were there some doubts at the time?

Original poster

chocoholic · 16/01/2011 17:32

Thank you for replying. Having a shocker of an afternoon so perhaps will give the talk a miss tonight.

He has stopped smoking so a bit mardy from that but we always have bust ups every few months - usually about how crap I make him feel etc.

Feeling at a low point today. DS's behavior makes me feel pretty rubbish as a mum so the last thing I need is someone else telling me how crap I am too.

OP posts:

claireybear82 · 16/01/2011 17:35

its not nice to have someone tell u ur shit all the time!! its going to lead to a lot of resentment if it carries on. i think he needs to change his attitude for a start! does he work? if he has any time off maybe he should do a few days at home without u there to see if he can do a better job himself!

Original poster

chocoholic · 16/01/2011 17:48

He works really hard so doesn't have much time off. Wondering if going on strike at home will help - so he sees what I do do or will that just make things even more miserable for us both.

We both decided I would be a SAHM but I feel a bit trapped by it now. Not sure how I would go back to work as who would care for my DS in the holidays.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 16/01/2011 17:53

Perhaps he is resentful of being the main provider.

Is his job reasonably secure?

Is he hugely stressed?

I would hate to have so much financial pressure on me.

What is he saying you don't do?

Original poster

chocoholic · 16/01/2011 18:00

He is very resentful of being the provider. He also has to provide for his ex so a lot of financial pressure.

I get that, and appreciate he works really hard for us but I don't accept that as an excuse for having a go at me.

I think we both just get really down and stressed and he forgets we are meant to be in it together.

OP posts:

MargaretGraceBondfield · 16/01/2011 19:09

chocoholic....What about a course on a campus where there is a creche? Or a place of work with one?

Do you and your DH have time together? Date? External interests? Separately or together?

Seriously think about the way you have your chat....it's very positive and much more productive when you each speak of what you can do, than accusing the other.

Can your DH cut his hours?

AnyFucker · 17/01/2011 08:25

I am seeing warning signs here

He is doing the classic "distancing" thing

He is picking faults with you and trying to convince himself that you are worthy of criticism

If you have read enough threads in Reltionships, you should have an inkling about what behaviour like this can be an indication of

Original poster

chocoholic · 17/01/2011 10:08

I'm going to have to go read a few threads I think - what can it indicate?

No talk last night and I'm feeling a little less pathetic today. I'm not going to allow him the chance to "have a chat" and pick fault with me. Thank you for your advice MGB, I will bear that in mind if he insists that we talk - not sure he would have much left to say.

I was going to be childish and stop doing things but that won't solve anything so I will continue to do what I usually do.

The reason I'm still a SAHM (my DS started school in Sept) is that DS has ASD and we agreed that it is better for him to have the stability of me being there for him before & after school. Plus we have other appointments, meetings with the school and no idea of what we could do with him in the school holidays. I think I just sometimes think maybe I should be working, especially when I get the message that I'm crap at being at home.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/01/2011 11:18

Sorry, didn't mean to be cryptic

One of the reasons your husband may be distancing himself from you, and creating an "excuse" to seek "understanding" outside of his marriage is because there may be an impending or ongoing breach of monogamy.

Are there any other signs such as being later home than he should be, secretiveness with his phone/email, random "errands" he has to do, late night calls, more nights out with "the boys", "mentionitis" or suddenly clamming up about his interactions with others etc etc?

ENormaSnob · 17/01/2011 11:30

I considered that too af.

smellycatsmellycat · 17/01/2011 11:33

This is really difficult. You have ended up being sort of 'stuck' being at home.

There are plenty of very well qualified people who could do a very good job of looking after your DS, at least some of the time, while you work, which it sounds like you would be happier with. Do you have a job to go back to or would it be a new start?

I sympathise with the criticisms about the housework/washing! I literally would like to THUMP my dh when he says 'I put my trousers in the wash last week why are they not done?' because he knows damn well how to use the washing machine, and just because I am not out at work does not mean I am twiddling my thumbs wondering what services I can provide!!

However, it sounds like this isn't really about the washing - and perhaps he is feeling the pressure of being the provider and in his head there's an expectation of you to be the traditional wife in return. Some of us are just not cut out for that though.

It's massively unfair of him to level all these criticisms at you in this way - it must be really hard to listen to that all the time. Does he know you struggle during the day? Have you pointed out all the basic things you do that keep the house from rotting? Even if it means that his jeans may not be washed immediately?

Original poster

chocoholic · 17/01/2011 11:37

No, not really but then he quite often does work entertaining and trips abroad so it would be hard to tell. The way he is acting it might be quite nice to let someone else have him!!

I was wondering if it is more of a financial thing. We are starting to feel the pinch a bit and he might be taking that out on me?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/01/2011 11:43

A loving husband (who hasn't disengaged from you for other reasons) would not "take anything out on you"

what are you ?

his emotional punchbag ?

how awful

smellycatsmellycat · 17/01/2011 11:44

It is probably the money. I wouldn't automatically suspect cheating personally.

I feel my dh does that to me when we are a bit broke but then he very strongly discouraged me from working after dd2 was born... I'm currently studying hard so that I can get back to work ASAP and never have that horrible feeling of being a drain on resources ever again. I don't blame him really, I think he liked the idea of him being able to earn enough that I didn't have to work and the dcs could have me around a lot but it didn't work out that way.

smellycatsmellycat · 17/01/2011 11:46

Can you have a talk about the money situation? Maybe he'd feel better just to get worries of his chest and you can get your feelings out there too - that it's affecting your confidence when he is so critical etc.

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