Convinced he's only with me for an easy life

[sooze41]

Been married 18 yrs, two teenagers. He doesn't show me any affection at all, and is rarely in the mood for sex, in fact the last time he could not perform at all. Obviously this isn't great for my self esteem, and has been getting me down increasingly overr the last couple of years. We did talk about it some time ago, i told him how i felt, he said marriage is about more than sex ( i don't disagree but i feel intimacy and affection are important ) but he seems to think it's all about being a partnership and having things in common etc, i do agree to an extent but i need more than that. I just get the feeling he is with me out of habit/comfort/routine and basically too lazy to do anything about it. I have had my concerns that he may be getting his sexual needs satisfied elsewhere, he seemed to be secretive about his computer, so i decided to commit the terrible sin of hacking into his emails...shock horror, i know i shouldn't have, but to be honest my email account is open to him as i have nothing to hide! Anyway i found nothing to suggest he is having an affair, only membership to various porn sites...which i'm not happy about either. It's not that i'm against porn per se, i know plenty of men use it, but when there's nothing happening in our bedroom i can't help feeling short changed. Despite doing my best to look after myself, i can't compete with pictures of lithe 24 yr olds at the age of 41. I am very enthusiastic on the bedroom too, yet he would obviously rather look at pictures than have the real thing. My head is buzzing at the moment, i feel very low indeed, i'm trying to look at the bigger picture but i feel he must be totally bored of me and our humdrum life. Don't know what to do about it...any imput welcome, esp from a man's point of view if there are any on here.

It sounds like he views you as a housekeeper/co-parent rather than his sexual partner with sexual and emotional needs of her own.

If he's regularly using porn instead of having sex with you then the porn is a huge problem, he's escaping from his life and family commitments into a little porno fantasy world and it's turned him into a selfish and distant husband.

I wonder which came first, the lack of affection and intimacy or the porn use?

He's lying when he says that sex isn't important to him, after all, he's satisfying his sexual needs at the expense of yours, isn't he?

Has he always been a bit distant or has it started within the last couple of years.

Intimacy and affection is of huge importance within a relationship, especially a long-term one, unfortunately he doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that it's important to you or put any effort into making you happy.
I think you need to really spell it out to him and ask him if he really wants another 20-30-40 years of this, because you can't live this way any longer.

First thought is that perhaps he isn't being intimate because he can't perform in the bedroom. It could be down to his porn use, but also could be because he is embarrassed/pressured, so avoids intimacy with you.

Maybe time to get himself to the doctor for an evaluation and perhaps a viagra prescription?

Since you invited a blokes point of view... Sounds like you are in a bit of a rut. He maybe has a bit of an easy life, and it's pretty easy just to accept all that you clearly give him, and not give you any affection back.

Do you do much together, or is it all domestic and work dullness?

Sounds trite, but maybe you just need to do something different for a change. Maybe one evening say to him 'come on lets go to the pub', or arrange a weekend away or some such?

Other than that it's trying to get him to open up a bit - The secret might be not to start of accusing him of things, but get him to understand properly how you feel, and what you would like out of your relationship...

You are absolutely right, he does see me as a housekeeper....we have always had the traditional roles in that he's had a successful career while i've looked after the home and kids, which has suited our needs as a family. Don't get me wrong, we get along pretty well, we don't argue much, but we do live as housemates/friends rather than romantic partners. When i said it wasn't enough for me, he said if i want more cuddles i should instigate them, as it doesn't occur to him to offer them! To be honest i have watched my parents live exactly this kind of life, and it breaks my heart to think of my marriage going the same way. The question is, if he doesn't love me that way, is there any way out of it, or do we cut our losses...it's such a huge decision to make when you have a family. We do do things together sometimes, but we tend to do things as a foursome with the kids rather than on our own. To be honest he way i feel at the moment i am having doubts about whether our relationship was ever really "true", not sure if that's just because i'm so down about it :-(

he sounds like an inadequate twat, tbh

what kind of man accesses porn on a regular basis, but doesn't have loving sex with his wife, even though she has tried to say it's a problem

I would leave him to his 20 yr old fantasy bimbo's and find yourself a real man who can shag you properly make you feel like the real woman you undoubtedly are

and if he pays for porn, he is an even bigger twat, and stupid to boot

From what i can gather it's only free stuff, and to b fair i have no idea how often he accesses it, he doesn't get the space at home to do it so i'm assuming it's only if he's away with work for a night and is bored! Like i said, i wouldn't have a problem with that if i was getting any action at home. He's not a bad bloke, honestly, i just think he has 1. Gone off me or 2. Has little idea of what a woman needs! I realise i need to be more vocal about it, but i get very emotional and find it difficult to have a calm and rational discussion. Also i think if i'm too demanding it will put more pressure on which won't help. Anyway, writing it down and knowing i'm not going mad or being unreasonable is helping in itself, so thanks for all the replies and will b thankful for any more advice :-)

am not really sure what else you want people to say, sooze

if your husband prefers to wank to porn rather than give you a good seeing-to and you are unable to talk to him about it, the only other option for you is to give him an ultimatum

he attends relationship counselling with you, and if he can't talk to you the counsellor will facilitate that but he has to be honest and come clean about the porn use

if he refuses, well...

put up or shut up I would say

What Any Fucker says -agree