Where did all my friends go??

[PurbeckAgain]

I should start by saying that I've changed my name for this, as there is soemone I'm uncomfortable to share it with, so sorry to be so mysterious!

I seem to have both lost touch with my old frinds and lost the ability to gain new ones. I had the best social life up until about 10 years ago, as my Uni friends were all still here and child-free. We were out all the time.Then they all started to move away as they setttled down into families, often back home near their parents. We stayed here to start our family. But the friends who'd stayed too drifted into other groups and I became hurt when they stoppped includuing us. I'd invite them round for meals (with or without kids) and they'd often come, but never invite us back. But I know they were doing this kind of thing with other friends.

I tried to make new friends through the children and the same pattern repeated itself - as soon as I tried to get closer, they'd respond to our invites but never invite us back.

I've organised book groups, meetup groups with school mums, all sorts of things. So although I appear to have a reasonable social life, none of these people are 'real'friends, just acquaintances who know me as part of a group. I know being pushy can be off-putting, so I really try not to seem desperate and don't pursue people if the friendship doesn't grow. But I'm finding it hard and am getting increasingly lonely.

I've even noticed that I people are ignoring my FAcebook posts, which is even more depressing in a way - as it's so visible! It's like I'm announcing myself to the world as BillyNoMates.

What to do? I'm so lonely. My partner is sympathetic to a point, but he is quite shy and happy to just share my company, so I don't even have one close friend who I can laugh about it with. What to do?

Stop trying so hard

Ditch facebook

look at what you have
and not what you are missing

this is what Im trying to do ...

maybe you ,in an effort to be friendly, do something annoying like interrupting people?

Yes, dump facebook. I have a few people on mine who I ignore on purpose because they post a stream of inane drivel just to get a response, like what they're making for dinner, whether their partner's late back from work and what colour clothes they're trying to decide between. I'm not suggesting you're like this but a need for attention is inherent in any status update and that's an unattractive quality.

I think try less, talk less, listen more and ask questions is probably best. I'm in a similar situation although I don't feel lonely. I've decided to let nature take its course, give invitations sometimes, accept others and see what develops.

I really sympathise.

Facebook is the worst thing because it seems everyone else has a great social life and loads of close friends. I hope you don't look at people's 'night out' photos!

It seems you have been doing all the right things in order to make new friends. It is very rude of people to accept your hospitality and not invite you back but it really says more about them than you. It may also be a question of luck - meeting people you 'click' with.

I really do know how you feel. I think to myself I need to be content with myself first and accept the situation (for the time being) and not feel lonely.

I'm not dismissing your feelings but it really is a case of not dwelling on what you feel you are missing and have faith that in time you will meet some lovely ('proper') friends.

Sorry if this sounds condecending, it's what I tell myself

I really sympathise too. I feel similiar to you, especially noticed it over Christmas break when I invited two friends for lunch and both made excuses - and these are the two people I thought were good friends.

It is difficult not to take it personaly and feel v hurt

Maybe it's about too high expectations...?

to be honest, I think we only ever have a few really close friends and the rest are passing aquaintances. However, enjoy these for what they are...friendships to have while at this job, or through that book club. Great fun but probably passing.

I would echo what others have said about enjoying what you have, not trying too hard, listening more....

It is a difficult situation. I feel quite similar in a lot of ways but have tried to make an effort to be positive and not take it personally. Have you tried Mumsnet local to meet up with others?

You have my sympathy. If i'd have answered this 2 hours ago I'd have said how I've been through that and now emerged calmer and happier with lower expectations etc etc.

However, since then I've been down to our village shop, been greeted warmly by a couple of women 'friends' who then went on to discuss their arrangements for a dinner party they were having with another couple. And I was back at square one again. Why do people do this?

Anyway, I think I've survived by withdrawing. Hence not many friends I suppose but also I'm happier with a few friends and my interests.

When I was actively trying to make friends I found I was constantly monitering and criticising myself to try and become the person that people wanted to be friends with, which was soul destroying. Perhaps I'm a horrible person or perhaps terribly boring, but I'll never know, so I might as well get on with being me. My best friends have come through doing activities I enjoy.

Same here. You have my sympathy too.

I also wonder how much it's the stage we are at. Some people feel stretched and don't want to make new friends, but seem content (or maybe complacent) with what they have. When I was younger there was more openness about going to the pub for a drink, or meeting new people etc. Now people are busy with mortgages and families and some have moved away...

Saying that - there seem to be a few of us here in the same boat!

Be yourself though and don't worry about trying to get friends by being the person they want you to be. Don't forget the friends you have either.

Are you able to get out and start/continue a hobby that you love, where you might meet people? I know that sounds basic, but I'm in the same boat so I know it's not as easy as it sounds.

I think feedme makes a really good point my best friends have come through doing activities I enjoy - I have been on Mumsnet nearly 10 years and this is a constant issue 'not being able to make friends'.

Personally I seem to find it really easy to make friends - not saying I am anything special - but perhaps I have learned not to try too hard. I always get involved in EVERYTHING - for example when I last moved I heard that cakes were needed for a village fete - I immediately made a couple (and I am no great baker) - took them round to someone's house .... that led to being invited in for a coffee .... etc etc. I have no 'expectation' about who to be friends with and that has led to many lovely friendships with people both older/younger than me with/without children etc. I always join the PTA, go to church, join a gym, just talk to anyone and everyone! I don't expect invitations to dinner parties etc after just a few weeks but I soon meet up for coffee and walks - I think it is best to DO things, rather than just expect a friendship out of nowhere. I have lived in my current house for just a few months and have made lots of friends, now I have to move again but I have absolutely no worries about meeting new friends.

To me it is all about attitude - if you are friendly, outgoing and pro-active, you will make friends - I am not talking 'best' friends, but you will meet people you can share time and activities with.

I know far too many people who say they can't make friends but then they never do anything, or get involved in anything and seem to have a 'check list' of what 'friends' should be like.

Sorry for the rant !

Ragwort - your post is so good and practical. Really need to follow your actions.

i agrre with the first post

you have to be grateful for what you have in this life and slowly build yourself up, knwoing that the 'what you have now' foundation will be there when other frinds go etc

it is called self esteem x

I think the point about it being a symptom of a time in our lives is true. My time is certainly squeezed and I see friends less frquently because. Luckily, I think we all realise it and I see a time when we can have more time to get together

Thanks for all that ueful feedback.

Feedme really struck a chord, with "I've been down to our village shop, been greeted warmly by a couple of women 'friends' who then went on to discuss their arrangements for a dinner party they were having with another couple. And I was back at square one again. Why do people do this? " as that's exactly how I feel at the moment. I try and do all the positive things that people here have mentioned, convince myself it will be OK, and then get knocked back down again. Last week (through Facebook) I discovered a bunch of friends were holding a small party - and the only couple not invited were us - and this really supest me.

I do think people are right when they say come off Facebook - I will try and do that.But I don't use it much and am not somebody who writes loads of updates about inanities. Like 'real' life, I try to be friendly and join in the discussions, but am always surprised when, yet agin, no-one appears to be interested!

I do apprecite the advice about trying to get involved in something that interests me - but being a Mum and working full-time, makes it difficult at the moment. I am still reliant on other Mums, old friends and school activities for my social life.

Not sure what to do now - I can feel it starting to get me down again.

I know exactly what you mean and it can eat away at your self esteem.

I have felt the same as you for a few years now and mostly try just to content myself with what I have and the fact I won't have many friends. This may sound really down but I haven't mananged to meet anyone to meet up with for a coffee, drink or time out with kids in 5 years so don't see it changing now.

I hope you have better luck with meeting and making friends than me.

Purbeck - come off Facebook - totally. It's really bad for you when you're feeling like this.
2nd, I will share my personal mantra in these circumstances. It won't add to your sum of friends and probably accounts for my lack of social life, but just take a deep breath, walk away and think 'fuck you then'

hey purbeck - sorry you feel down. i had a day of this recently because two friends from uni i hleped alot ust froze me out when they graduated but get in touch when they want something specifically. one is currently harassing me to give my baby clothes to some person she knows and for a while i actually though 'oh well at least ill get to see X and the kids' until i slapped myself around the face and changed my mind. made me feel strong but still lonely and just really ripped off as a friend.

being hurt or rejected by friends is worse i think than it being done by a partner because we always sort of half expect men to pull this shit on us now and then but being wounded by friends is so unexpected.

ragwort is right though - you have to go out and find friends. there are friends out there for you but thats thet thing...'out there' have a chat with dh and say 'look, i need a few evenings off, i need to get us a social life because its not going to knock on the door is it?'

have a look at mumsnet local but (this is terribly contraversial he he) netmums has a specific 'meet a mum' section that might be useful. you can post ads there too explaining yourself and asking poeple to contact you.
cliched yes but going to evening classes at the local college was where i met one of my very best friends. we did lots of film courses together and in the early days gave us a reason to spend time together as in 'xx is on, shall we go together and have a drink after?' making friends is easier if you know you have common ground :-)

I don't know if this will be helpfull or not, this was a recent experience I have had.

I have removed a lot of people from my life who were not good for me and have ended up with few friends. I was conctacted by someone from the local part of MN. We messaged back and forth, then added one another on fb. I messaged a few times and gave about 10 days notice and anked if they would like to meet up, each time they had a reason, and seemed to have lots of excuses and reasons to not meet up, I decided to see if they would ask me to meet up, they never did, I deleted them from FB and decided that we were obvioiusly not suited to one another and wanted different things from a friendship. Maybe your stles of friendship are different?

I like a friend that is available some of the time, and does half of the running, I don't like to feel like I am some despirado begging them to meet me, and being turned down and them not making any effort, not my cup of tea at all, so I walked away.

I agree with you MummieHunnie - you need the friendship to come from both directions. But, without wanting to sound pitiful, this is so seldom the case that I'd have no social life at all if I waited for friends to 'do their bit'. I do organsiing all the time and am pro-active - but it's wearing me out! I'd love it if someone just called and asked me out, but it never happens. I think it's a chicken-and-egg thing, too - because this has affected me and lowered my self-esteem, I'm sure I no longer come across as the happy outgoing kind of person that people want to be friends with - I daren't make too many brave moves for fear of more rejection.

However, I'm going to take two ways forward. Ditch Facebook. And try and enrol on a cousre loaclly. Wish me luck!

Thanks all.

So what if you have no social life with people who don't care that much for you by their actions? What does that mean to you? It sounds to me that you will be less worn out, you will feel less used and that you will have time and energy to focus on those that matter most, you and your family? or is this thing with the friends a way to avoid looking at other things upsetting you in life?

Good luck with deactivating facebook for a bit, and for looking at a local course and focusing on yourself.

go for it Purbeck