Don't know what to do about me and DP

[tutu100]

Dp and I have been together for 13 years, we have 2 ds's together. I have suffered from panic attacks, anxiety, depression since my early teens so DP has always been aware of my problems and very supportive.

Since the birth of ds2 I develped PND and the anxiety and panic attacks came back the worst they have ever been. I have had some treatment and made a little bit of progress, but am still struggling and am unable to live a normal life as I can't leave the house without someone with me and even then I can only go certain places.

Neither of my children sleep well so I often am surviving on as little as 3 hours sleep, at most I may get 6. DP does get up in the night as well, but the bulk of it falls to me as he works.

We have been arguing lots over the last few months, mainly because we are so tired, but we never seem to resolve our arguments - mainly because he never thinks he's wrong and so doesn't ever apologise. Each argument seems to be worse than the last one.

Tonight we walked to my Mum's to drop ds1 off. It is a 15 min walk and I felt very apprehensive at doing it but I really am trying to push myself so I get better and my psych says that I'm going to have to go through the panic to realise that I can do it IYSWIM. Got there ok, but on the way home about 5 mins into the walk I had a massive panic attack. Told DP that I wanted to go back to my mum's. He tried to encourage me to keep going, but I felt so awful (had only 4 hours sleep last night and a very busy day so felt crap before the panic attack), I really didn't think my legs would get me home. Anyway he walked on pushing ds2 (I think he thought I would follow), but I crossed the road to go back to my Mum's. He did look back at me, but then carried on walking. I got back to my mum's and she drove me home.

When I came in DP got up and I thought he was going to give me a hug (I felt so depressed and a real failure) but he didn't he just went upstairs and checked on ds2. When he came back down he went on the computer so I went upstairs and had a cry. He came up 15 mins later and got into bed without saying a word to me. I got out of bed to come downstairs (I felt I couldn't cry in front of him) and he closed the door behind me.

I'm now sat down here sobbing. I feel shit anyway because of the panic attack and now I feel I will never be able to go out with DP again as I can't trust him not to leave me. I appriciate that DP has had to put up with my problems and the strain it puts on us as a family, and he has always been so supportive, but I think he's had enough.

I don't know what to do now. I've spent the last couple of years feeling bad about what an inconveniece I am to DP (and my parents) and tonight it seems that what I was worried about is true.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I can't offer any 'real' help here, but rge main thing that came across in youer post was, apart from the horendous issues you have to deal with, please don't feel like ypu are an incomnvenience to yor family (dp and parents) and please don't feel like you can't rely on your dp, married / partnership life can be hard, with dcs extra hardm, and if your dp has been supportive to you every noe and again he may feel like he is a bit stressed and having to breathe deeply, it's not any reflection on you as an inconvenience, just every can sometimes have to make a decisiopn, tonight, you dp has walked home with dc, possibly if they were feeling tired too, to avoid turning round to you and getting tired / angry and upsetting dc? please don't be too hard on yourself or dp, you sound to have been s gfantastic ouple so far with a supportive family and ches=rished dc...

Thanks Groak. I just don't know what to think anymore. We haven't been getting on well for a while and it's not all down to my panic attacks (but a lot of it is).

I feeling so miserable because tonight I feel that the little progress I had made has been ruined and I'm going to have to start again, but without the trust I had that DP would never walk off and leave me. And I don't know if I can do it.

My first thought is - how can anyone cope on such little sleep? To me that is a major contributor to your problems. How old are your DCs? You both need a break.

Have you read this book?
It is very good.

self help

And try this website www.nomorepanic.co.uk/

Good luck it is possible to stop these feelings.

I think sorting out the dc so you all get more sleep would really really help.

Can you discuss with your dp commiting to improving the sleep problem?

What are the sleep issues? Perhaps your parents could help you out for a couple of weeks whilst you sort them - perhaps looking after the dc during the day so you can catch up on sleep?

Progress is progress, and sometimes it is one step back to get another 2 forward. Being positive it went wrong this evening but you did survive and cope even though it was a huge struggle.

if sleep is an issue for both of you, can your parents / dps parents, or people you are close to, help by having your dc sleep over?

i don't think anyobne with dcs can say life rolls on unchanged once children arrive, dh and i have had our argumemts and momemnts and our marriage is to all intents and puropses fine, so for your relationship to hgave your dc, your panic attacks and lack of sleep, no wonder you are both not getting on well!! you won't resolve things immediately, but tsart trying to farmn out the dcs, would the granparents be willing to commit to a regular sleepover for the dcs so you can both try to recharge your batteries before you tackel the ongoing bigger issues?

I think his tiredness is making him less than tolerant of your difficulties. I think that your tiredness and PND are making things worse for you.

Have you spoke to you GP about short term anti anxiety medcation or something like beta blockers? I am just thinking that working through it psychologically may be very difficult while you are so so tired? It would be for me, but I am awful without lots proper sleep. I find I am very hard to live with and can't think straight - and that's without addicitonal issues!

You're not alone sweetie, don't feel a failure.

My boys are 2 and 5. Neither has slept well. Both wake several times in the night, although ds1 does go back to sleep on his own. But both can be up for the day at 5am. We have got ds1 one of those special clocks and told him he can't come out of his room until the bunny is awake. That has helped a bit as long as ds2 doesn't wake up first because unless you go and get him he just cries and screams ( and believe me we have tried leaving him).

My mum has ds1 most sat nights which helps a bit. Ds2 has sleeping problems as he has a bowel problem which quite often means he wakes up because he has tummy ache. He is under the care of the hospital so I live in hope that once his bowel problems are resolved he shuold start sleeping better, but it means it's really hard to be tough with him as it isn't really his fault he wakes.

Because of ds2's problems I have so far not let him stay the night at my mum's (I thought it would be unfair on bothe him and her), but after seeing how badly he slept at Christmas (when we all stayed at relatives) she has offered to have him and I think I will take her up on it.

Nemofish, I have tried medication in the past, but suffered so badly with side effects I didn't perserve with it. My current Psychiatrist said she felt the medication won't help in my case as it won't actually alter the way I think which is what causes me to have been attacks (I worry about what if's) and she wanted me to be able to see that I can get better on my own (she thinks that if I take tablets and then get better I will put it down to the tablets rather than my own ability).

Think what you achieved today. You did the whole 15 minute walk to your mum's despite feeling really apprehensive. That sounds like really good progress. You're not a failure.

The walk back wasn't so easy. Perhaps it was a bit ambitious to try both there and back so soon. You've learnt that now and no harm done. In any case progress in anything in life is a bit two steps forward one step back rather than upwards at every stage (I find, anyway).

I don't think your partner let you down on this occasion. When he saw that you were struggling he encouraged you to continue, which sounds pretty supportive to me. He didn't leave you, you left him. He may not have wanted to turn back for all sorts of reasons, including being tired, tired ds, not wanting to reinforce your (understandable) avoidance of the walk home etc.

Please tell your therapist how low you have been feelinjg, if you haven't already. He/she may want to address your low mood first if it's making it very difficult to work with the panic.

Hang in there. It must be awful going through this with so little sleep. I hope things improve for you soon x.

Ahh you poor thing. I think your DH is just tired and stressed as others have said. Sometimes it is easier to blame the victim albeit temporarily. I am not comparing you at all to my father who is 84 and suffering from dementia - please dont think that - but only in the sense that he suffers from a mental 'invisible' condition - as you do - and he cant help it - as you cant - and he tries his level best to be independant and cope with everyday life - as you obviously do.

But you know what - sometimes I just feel so resentful towards him - especially when I am exhausted from caring for him - and I want to just yell at him - awful I know - but instead I just walk away - as your DH did. You know why because I love him and I'm sure thats why your DH walked away. I would like to bet actually that he will apologise. Sometimes you just have to walk away.

It also sounds to me as though your DH wasn't trying to be mean or unloving - you must both feel at the end of your tether with the lack of sleep. You say your DH did try to encourage you, and as Lizzabadger points out, you walked away from him, he just didn't follow.

He must get very frustrated at times and feel very helpless in regards to making you better, and although it's hurt you, sometimes you do just have to walk away when you feel frustrated and tired - I'm sure he would have felt worse if he'd gotten annoyed with you.

I can understand you wanting an apology, but I think it's more important to share your feelings and have a talk together - it sounds as though your marriage is pretty strong and supportive so far.

You did incredibly well to manage what you did. Please keep going, not just for your and dh's sake, but for your dc's (My mum had bouts of claustrophobia, agarophobia & panic attacks when I was a child - I am in my mid 30's now and it still affects me - she has never completely managed to get a grip on her issues, but that's another thread...)
Is it possible for your DH to attend some therapy sessions with you, as it might help him to be more understanding and supportive. Also agree that your sleep issues need addressing.
I don't know if neuro linguistic programming would help, but if it is a possibility I would highly recommend it. I used it with 6yo DD for anxiety related bedwetting last year and the difference within less than a month was incredible.
I wish you & your family the best of luck & hope you're feeling more positive v. soon.

Hope you are ok now TUTU and you and DH have spoken. Just thinking about you today when walking up my mums street !

Your DP did the right thing in trying to help you face your fears. Your Mum did the wrong thing by driving you home. Until you learn that you can live through panic attacks, as your psyc said, you will never be able to face your fears. If people around you enable you by treating you with cotton wool you will never get better.

You need to do these things over and over and over again so that you re-programme your brain.

However, as was said, you may be planning too much too soon. Your psyc needs to help you plan a very careful plan of action as to what is realistic for you.

Has your DP attended psych appointments with you? This might help for you to be able to communicate better.

Hi, I just wanted to update everyone. Just incase anyone was still interested.

I slept in ds1's bed that night as I just wanted to be able to cry and I didn't really want to be around DP. I got up in the night to deal with ds2 and then got DP up to deal with him in the morning so I could go back to bed for a couple of hours. Dp came and woke me and asked if we were going to go out and get ds1 from my Mum's. I said I didn't feel able to and told him how upset I'd been last night. He didn't apologise or anything like that, but he did encourage me to get up and go out (in the car this time!) and we ended up having a much better day than I thought we would. I even managed to go with him and the children to the park which I was really pleased about.

He is trying to be really understanding, as the panic attack on Saturday night has really shaken me, also ds2 has not bee sleeping well again the last couple of nights, so today I have been very teary because I only got 4 broken hours last night.

I am trying to take things one step at a time, but the little bit of confidence I'd managed to build up has gone and I'm feeling a bit hopeless at trying to get it back up again. I am trying to focus on the things I have managed to do the last couple of days, but unfortunately only the negative things seem to count. But I going to try really hard to take ds1 to school tomorrow with my dad so will see how things go from there.

Thank you for all your really supportive messages. I can see that DP wasn't being really horrible, he was absolutely shattered to, but on Saturday night I really did feel like everything was ending.

I'm glad things have settled. It's good that you told your DP how upset you were, maybe it would help you (and him) if you asked him how he was feeling that day, and why he decided to carry on when you turned back?

You're both under enormous pressure just now, and should both be able to calmly let off steam by talking through everything with each other. And good luck for the school trip tomorrow

I hope your week has gone well x