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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband has just told me he does'nt love me any more

19 replies

zumbazumba · 15/01/2011 19:54

My husband of 12 years has just told me he just doesn't love me anymore and he's been having an affair for the last 4 months, and he loves her. I am devasted. He has moved out. I have been quite reasonable with him and have felt more anger towards her (she was a friend, also married with 2 children, lives very close and our children go to the same school). This all happened 2 weeks ago and I am totally lost. It was such a shock. I don't really know what I am going to do. I am so sad, I really had no idea this was coming I thought we were happy. I feel like I've been living with a total stranger all this time. My 2 children are devasted too.:(

OP posts:

tinkgirl · 15/01/2011 20:00

Zum how awful for you. I wish I could say something to take the pain away, just concentrate on your DC's and yourself and getting the practical side of things sorted.

Violethill · 15/01/2011 20:00

God how awful. You must be in shock at the moment. I don't think you should even think of making decisions right now. Do you think it could be some sort of mid life crisis? Has he really given no indication of being unhappy? If this has really come as a bolt from the blue, it could be a massive mistake he's making, as he could just be carried away by lust. Not a lot of comfort to you, but that suggests it wont last.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 15/01/2011 20:01

Oh Zumba, this is crap for you. I've been there and it does get better but it will take time. The ow in my case was also a married family friend with dc's. It stinks.

pink4ever · 15/01/2011 20:01

I am sorry to hear of your horrible situation.I think your anger should be directed towards both of them not just the other women. Are they together now? Hope you have sought legal advice re your dcs and maintenance? Dont have much good advice but am sure others will be along soon who do.

robberbutton · 15/01/2011 20:11

Have you seen Solost's thread? Will try and find the link to the first one. Sounds similar and there's loads of good advice.

So sorry :(

Mumfun · 15/01/2011 20:16

So sorry been same situation and its horrible. Immediately look after DC as well as you can , try to eat and look after yourself. Stay on here and you will get support -sadly lots of MNetters have gone through this recently :(

ChickensFlyingUnderTheRadar · 15/01/2011 20:17

This is bloody shit. So very sorry zumba.

ILovedYou · 15/01/2011 20:21

He'll be back.....they mostly go back to what is familiar..it won't last...get stronger....because you will have some tough decisions to make soon

KerryMumbles · 15/01/2011 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

zumbazumba · 15/01/2011 20:35

Wow, not been on a message board before, I can't believe all the responses in such a short time. Thank you for all your messages. In answer to pink4ever, my feelings towards him are different, I suppose because I love him. I am angry at him, but also very hurt. Things had def been strained over recent months as he seemed very distant. His business has gone through a stressful worrying time and I thought that was why he was stressed! I'd even spoken to his mum recently saying I was worried about him, but I never in a million years expected this. We went out at new year and had a fun night, really normal. I feel like someone has kidknapped my husband and put someone else in his place!! My main worry now is that when he has the children, she will be there too. It makes my blood boil but I feel its out of my hands.

OP posts:

Original poster

zumbazumba · 15/01/2011 20:44

To Kerrymumbles, I like your style, I quite hope it falls off too

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/01/2011 20:51

So sorry to read this. Have you been reading any of the multitude of threads about affairs?

You don't have to let your DCs be in the company of the OW yet, if you feel that would be harmful to them or you.

If you feel able to, tell the whole story on here as loads of us can help you. Can I ask that you start the story from first contact with the OW, rather than when you've been told that the affair started? Affairs start long before physical contact.

One of the most important things I want you to understand is that your relationship while this affair was going on (i.e. from first contact) would have been strained, but this was entirely connected to the affair and wasn't a causative factor in the affair turning from a friendship into a physical relationship.

If you are trying to see whether anything in your relationship caused this to happen, assess what it was like before he ever had any contact at all with the OW. More often than you'd think, relationships become unhappy because of the affair and not the other way around.

Original poster

zumbazumba · 15/01/2011 21:06

Thanks WhenwillIfeelnormal. We had known the OW for about 18 months. We went out with them as a family and as couples a few times. We seemed to have stuff in common, they were good company. I had suffered from Post Natal depression about 6 years ago and although I am recoverd now, I still have self-confidence issues and don't make friends that easily, so when this person came along I was pleased. She also had a history of depression, so I had someone to talk to about it. I noticed that she was different towards me the last time we went out in August, I told my husband that I was concerned about her but he just said he hadn't noticed. After that, as far as I knew, he only ran into her at school pick up time. I have since found out that the affair began in August.

OP posts:

helicopterview · 15/01/2011 21:07

Dear Zum

What a horrible shock.

There are immediate things you need to do, like find a solicitor to advise you on your rights.

I would also quickly ask around to find a good therapist to help you work through all the decisions you now need to make.

As WWIFN says, you do not have to let the children go into a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Indeed it would be extremely confusing for your children to immediately be introduced to this new arrangement with OW, who they know. How old are the DC's? You are the primary carer now. You decide what should happen, and when. Do not worry about what your h will think - he made his bed. You now have to deal with the fallout.

Stay strong for your kids. Can you get a friend/family member to stay and help out for a bit?

Eat even if you don't fancy it. Are you sleeping? I found Naturcalm helpful.

Hugs

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/01/2011 21:21

But the affair didn't start in August, that's what I'm saying to you. Some time before that, they both realised they were attracted to eachother. There are hundreds of steps taken before an affair starts.

If you don't know the timeline to this, think back to when you last felt truly happy, not just in your marriage but with life in general.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 15/01/2011 21:49

My god, are you me? Don't believe a fecking word he says. The truth will out eventually. One of the best pieces of advice I had was: NEVER SEEK SOLACE IN THE ARMS OF THE ONE WHO BETRAYED YOU.
It's taken me 7 months to absorb this though. You are feeling rock bottom now but it gets better, then worse, then a bit better. Then you realise you're going to be ok.

ForwardThinking · 16/01/2011 15:59

Sorry to hear this zumbazumba.

I can totally understand. My husband of 9 yrs left on Christmas day (?) to spend time with his friends and has not returned home since!

Last Saturday (the day before my birthday) he came round and admitted that he was no longer in love with me, was unhappy in our home for sometime, needed time to think... His words "there was no spark anymore" and were more like "brother and sister".

I really did not see that coming. I thought married was for life or at least until death do us apart! He now just wants to be friends!

I've gone from shock, sadness, tears, dazed to anger and silence. How can he just switch off the relationship, all that we've built together, feelings?!

Yesterday, I came home to find him in the house and we both had to act like nothing has happened. He then proclaimed that he'll be moving back and sleeping in the spare room!?
I stated that I want a husband and not house mate.

What is going through his head? I just want some peace of mind and not to be sad.
Focus on trying to keep your dignity and peace. Only god knows what he's focusing on!

ForwardThinking · 16/01/2011 16:05

And helicopterview is right - accept the generosity of your friends. Some will hug you, others will listen to you, others will try and distract you from what's happened to your marriage.

But also balance it so that you spend time being in your own company and with your children.

At 37, I feel like I am starting all over again.

The saddest thing for me is that we had planned on starting a family this year! Now, it is back to ....

Original poster

zumbazumba · 16/01/2011 20:52

Hi forwardthinking, you sound like you've been having a really rough time too. When people talk about emotional rollercoasters this is what they mean. My moods are so all over the place, I sometimes surprise myself and almost feel normal, other times I just feel so alone, scared for the future and sad. I can recommend retail therapy, I went shopping with a friend yesterday and forgot about it all for a couple of hours. Trouble is after the high there is always the comedown! I can totally empathise and don't really understand how they suddenly couldn't give a damn any more. At least in your case there does'nt appear to be anyone else, maybe you can salvage your relationship. The fact he's come back under your roof sounds hopeful. My husband has just gone and I'm sure if it wern't for the children he'd happily never see me again. Starting all over again is a scary thought but hopefully this is a beginning not the end

OP posts:

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