I did a brave thing yesterday (long sorry)

[elephantsaregreen]

I told DP that I thought we should go separate ways. He was devastated. But I was surprised by the way he reacted. First he said 'no, no you're not taking my girls away from me.' (of which I have no intention). Then he got super angry and broke the kids watertable.

He said he is tired of not living up to people's expectations and that it makes him feel like putting a bullet in his head (!). This wasn't a threat as just sad evidence of his incredibly negative self-narrative.

He even started blaming my friend who recently split up with her DP. and he denied everything I said, like, that I think we incompatible.

Then he said he isn't giving up 'all of this' (gesturing at the house). Then he said stuff like don't 'do this to me' and he cried. Then he said he isn't going to lose me and that he'll go to counseling.

Obviously there were bits I said in between but I was calm (but upset).

it was horrible. In the end I agreed to go to counseling with him. I feel that after 5 years I owe him that. and also, he clearly needs help and this might be a good way for him to get counseling on his own.

I guess I was a bit naive thinking it wouldn't be this bad. But I do feel pretty angry with him for reacting this way. It felt very aggressive and I have been trying to make things better for years.

Spent much of yesterday in tears and we spent the afternoon apart. Then when we came back together he was acting like nothing happened. Which felt weird. He was walking around the house whistling and asked if we should go and get a new printer (which is pretty much the last thing on my mind)

Now I feel weird. and I don't know if I should get the ball rolling for counseling or tell him that he should.

Unfortunately finances being what they are, I don't know how we would manage to live apart.

It's really hard to stay strong. I am getting lot's of support from real people who are reminding me about everything I have put up with over the years, but when you are home, in your comfortable, home, with your kids, and things are even pleasant between you and 'D'P its sooo hard to believe that I've done the right thing.

Back story here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1114943-WWYD

Counselling can be rough but I hope you will keep at it. Tears are OK, even a good thing. Same with emotional upheaval, but be kind to yourself in your thoughts.

When I was going through similar, I found it very useful, and often very upsetting too, to look at a photo of myself aged about 12 and think about what grown up me and that girl would have to say to each other.. (Did a lot of crying, went through many a box of tissues).

Thanks again for your lovely messages. Math your message made me cry when I thought of myself as a 12-year old.

Well, we went to our first joint counseling session today and the counselor was very very good. He cut right to the chase pretty quickly and asked me if I was there to stay or there to leave. and I couldn't answer the question. So I have to think that one over and make a decision relatively quickly.... in a couple of weeks, I suppose.

One thing that's for sure is that my DP is well and truly paying attention. He is making such an effort to be considerate, kind and attentive. But I am still angry and that anger stems from the years of hurt.

Is it too little too late? Should I jump in boots and all to make this work for the sake of the kids, the family unit, the home, the love which could be rekindled?

Or am I too hurt? Are we too different? Have I not been listening to my inner voice for too long?

My friend said that she thinks I am at the crossroads of myself. Do I think I deserve better and thus once and for all making myself important? Then the relationship is kinda a secondary decision....

just wondering out loud now...

It's a pity that your counsellor seems to have you on a timetable. There's something wrong with that. You don't have to do anything here. If you say to your counsellor that you feel hurried and that you don't like it, he will have to deal with that reality. He shouldn't be trying to push a square peg through a round hole. He is there to listen to you, not to dictate. You do not have to make any decision in a few weeks. He has no right to make any demands here.

Above all, you need to put you at the centre of all this and not try to please other people.

Keep your ear peeled for any other hints that your counsellor has a schedule or an agenda. If you're feeling pressure, stop going to the joint counselling or find another counsellor (you can do a lengthy interview before the counselling starts)

thanks for that reminder that I can make my own schedule. I think the counselor said that because the sessions will be paid by the courts if its 'separation mediation' but we have to pay if its counseling to stay together. Which I don't mind.
it came to light that he has been harboring pain and grief since our termination a year ago. its all very hard, and we are both very tired today.
I feel a softening toward him but I need to be careful that my rescue instincts don't kick in... But I am very suspicious of his change of heart. I am not sure this is because he loves me, or is just to terrified to face life on his own

He shouldn't mind either, what way it's paid for - it has no bearing on what's the best thing for you to do and there's no way you should take the cost of counselling into account when making your decision.