DH and I are abroad looking at flats - he has a job offer here (in the US office of his company). It (living abroad), is something we have wanted and worked towards for years and years. We've spent time as a family doing so previously but now the DCs are older and at school it would need to be a more permanent move (we lived abroad for periods of months previously, in various countries).
But the process, being here, has made it clear that I feel our relationship as a couple is over. The first night here H went AWOL - left me at the hotel at 4pm saying I should have a shower and wait as he'd be back by 6pm, then turned up at 10pm, blind drunk, having ignored my repeated emails (smartphone), and texts. I was horrified, especially as he'd been meeting for the first time his potential new work colleagues and boss. He was angry at me for 'not being pleased to see me' and 'ruining the evening' (he wanted to go to a restaurant someone had recommended).
He's been working all day every day and that's been wonderful; I've had lovely days of exploring, imagining taking the DCs to places (they would love it here), catching up with friends I have in the area. I can really see a future for us as a family here.
But I haven't been missing H when he's been at work. When he's gone out after work (happens ever day, new clients), I've 'written off' the evening and been right to do so. Last night there was a social event and H invited me along - at 4pm, they'd been in the bar 30 minutes when I got there and he was already slurring his words and stumbling around. I was embarrassed.
When we parted company from his colleagues I ended up getting angry-drunk myself and embarrassing myself in front of my friends (we went over to theirs), so it's not like I am much better. And would that be what life was life if we moved here?
Things are shit between us as I've been voicing my disappointment at his behaviour and my concerns that he's going to lose this potential job by making a horrendous impression.
Back in the UK I am not involved with his work persona much anymore (since the DCs), so this has been a shock.
But I want to move, I want to live abroad, I don't want to be a single parent to the DCs in the UK while H lives the life I want out here. I could have a nice life here - I have a nice life in the UK - but H wouldn't be a nice part of it, it seems.
At home he's a brilliant dad (evenings and weekends), our relationship as a couple is strained - I am resentful, he had a vasectomy against my wishes, he drinks too much, he wastes money, he shows no initiative. I don't respect him much I suppose which is really sad and horrible but it's easy not to realise when I see so little of him.
He's agreed to counselling in the past but was obstructive when it came time to actually go and left the arrangements to me to the point where I just thought fuck it, he has no interest in going, who can be bothered.
Oh I don't know. But it's the weekend now and it's just the two of us and I am nervous. He wants to come see some of the things I have liked and I am just angry.