aftermath of the affair 1 month on

[Yogabuff]

Firstly thank you all for helping me thus far and for recomending "Not just friends" it's really helping me make sense of a really difficult situation.

ok we've had a month of crying and fighting but with some good days too. He is trying.... he's cleaning the house, taking care of DD, giving me time to myself and telling me his whereabouts BUT he's gets so moody about it all and last night when I asked him when he'd be home he said tomorrow and hung up! he came straight back but with an attitude. He gives out about the housework and feels like he's "living in my shadow"

He's opened up a twice but I still feel I don't know the whole story. He was chasing after the OW for 2 months and they were having sex for almost 3 weeks. The phone bill and the OW confirmed this. He reckons it was just sex but he went to her after I threw him out the first time AND again on Christmas day when I told him he wasn't welcome. He said it was to ask her what she'd told me but she wasn't home so I guess I'll never know. The more I probe the more he runs for the hills..

I've been using the book but he only speaks spanish so hasn't read it, he can't understand why I want to know all the details. I'm not asking about sexual information I'm more concerned about how she made him feel, how the affair made him feel, what they talked about. What did he tell himself to allow himself to cross the line. He said he was angry with me for changing and for being on his back all the time. This all started when I had a 3 month old baby, PND and possible MS? I don't have MS but I do have a disorder with my central nervous system that causes a lot of pain and can't be cured! I've had a crap year and must of been a nightmare to live with, I did change. I went from being his beautiful, energetic, outgoing wife to a whimpering mess with no confidence. Even I don't recognise myself, I look old and tired. He just couldn't handle it. Before the baby and for her first 2 months he was a model husband (most of the time) romantic, caring, attentive and very affectionate. He just changed into a person I didn't recognise.

He now says he's not answering anymore questions about the affair, he doesn't want to talk about it and can't understand why I need to go over it again. I confessed to having sex with a guy when we first started going out. We'd been living in different countries for 4 months, my dad died I got nervous about us moving in together and I had sex. He hasn't asked me anything about it. He hasn't even mentioned it??

I feel like we are going around in circles I can't see past the affair he wants to sweep it under the carpet and forget about it and all? I can't just forget it. Should I just pull the plug now and stop the torture or can things get better?

I'm no expert but to me it doesn't sound like the lines of communication are really open enough to progress. I don't think you're asking too much of him at all. If he's truly repentent and wants to regain your trust then the onus is on him to do what you need him to do. If he's already digging his heels in I don't think it bodes well, I'm afraid.

Thanks whatanmpty

you're right the communication is hard work. TThis evening I told him if he can't / won't talk then I can't be in this marriage. I can't forgive if I don't know what I am forgiving? I need a H who I can communicate with. But I feel I owe it to my marriage and my dd to give it another go I feel like a failure we've only been married 2 years..

Oh and sorry for the very very long post....

"romantic, caring, attentive and very affectionate"

are not the characteristics of a model husband. they describe a pretty good boyfriend.

A good husband is decent, honest, hard-working and kind, as well as loving you deeply for who you are and not what you look like and how much energy you have.

I think you made a mistake marrying this guy. You didn't know him well enough, you took a chance, but it hasn't worked out.

Now you are tying yourself in knots trying to "work this out" rather than admit your error and deal with it.

thanks for the straight talking spidooky

I think I married him because how he made me feel not for who he was/is? I know it was an error we didn't know each other well enough, we married to fast we had a baby to soon. (But I don't regret DD I love her to bits) But if I'm honest I knew it might not work out I even had reoccurring dreams of being on my own with a baby before we even decided to get married! But i was in love and they do say it's blind.

But now I just want to give things a chance, I feel we have fallen at the first hurdle, shouldn't we at least try? I made a promise should I not try to keep it? Should I not look for the good in H and in our relationship? We were under a lot of stress (not an excuse for H) but at least you can begin to understand why he did what he did considering what was happening at home.

I know he broke his promises but does that mean I should break mine? I didn't have much of a dad I really want my daughter to have hers.

Or am I just shit scared of being on my own with a baby. Pathetic

I'm not saying you were stupid to marry him, just that it was a risky undertaking.

Marriage isn't about making promises and then sticking to them because they were made. It is about making public an existing commitment.

In your case that commitment was based on hope rather than experience, but that can work out if you both turn out to have similar values and to get on well when life is hum-drum.

However, that had not turned out for either of you. Your hope was misplaced.

Of course you should see the good in him, he is your daughter's father. She was conceived as a result of a passionate, important love affair. That's lovely, but it won't always lead to a happy nuclear family.

But just because you are both good people who fell in love and had a baby doesn't mean you can make a marriage work. You can still make co-parenting work, and tbh that's what I think would be best for your dd at this point.

Trying to force him to accept the Shirley Glass gospel is not going to work.

It sounds like your love affair had ended and that there is not much of a relationship left in it's wake. Carrying on isn't giving something a chance, it's trying to force something that isn't there.

Better to fall gracefully at the first hurdle than break your neck on the 5th. If you keep going you will damage the good will between you as parents. And at this point that is the most valuable thing you have.

I am sitting here crying because I know you're right.

We have managed to have another fight between posts. He is upset becasue I won't go to a mates BBQ tomorrow and play happy families...

I have told him that he nees to find a new place soon. You're right if he says we will hurt eachother more. Thank you for helping me take of my rose tinted glasses.

I am so scared...But I'll be ok..

your teenage daughter hero worships her Dad. He adores her and they have fun together.

He comes around for dinner a lot and you still have lots of laughs. Sometimes he brings his lady if the moment. They rarely last long, but are nice and you always hope maybe this one will be a keeper.

You have remarried and have two more children. Your new husband is a good dad and stepdad and likes your dd's Dad. You and he are happily and comfortably in love.

obviously there are lots of ways this could play out.

But you don't have to face it with fear - you are young and smart and kind, and life is long.

Be as sad as you need to be, but not afraid.