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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

need advice on a really delicate situation

25 replies

bedoom · 14/01/2011 23:03

Have namechanged for this as it involves other people

Me and DP went out for a meal and then onto a bar for a drink. We bought some drinks and then sat down, DP noticed my brothers girlfriend at the otherside of the bar. I was about to go over and say hi until another guy sat down on her table and they started kissing.

I don't know what to do, I know I've got to tell him but he'll be heartbroken they've been going out for 2 years,live together and he's told me he's been thinking about asking her to marry him. Theres no way I've got it wrong as they were full on snogging,I got my phone out and took a couple of pictures but I don't know whether I'll show him them. I know I've got to tell him but I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:

NimpyWindowmash · 14/01/2011 23:05

Ouch. That is tricky.
Yes, I think you're right, you should tell him. No other way but to just come straight out with it. But he might not welcome the information straight away, so be prepared for the fall out.

Myleetlepony · 14/01/2011 23:09

I'd tell her and suggest she comes clean.

CarGirl · 14/01/2011 23:10

Yes you text/phone/visit her and tell her to do the decent thing and tell him before you do

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/01/2011 23:11

Tell him, but say that apart from your own partner who was there too after all, you will be telling no-one else and do stick to that promise. Tell him that you'll support him what ever he decides to do. I wouldn't show him the photos.

bibbitybobbityhat · 14/01/2011 23:11

You took a couple of pictures?

Wtf?

I find that more shocking than your sil being unfaithful, tbh.

CarGirl · 14/01/2011 23:11

My poor MIL had to do this with her sister, she saw her BIL walking around a garden centre hand in hand with his OW

Original poster

bedoom · 14/01/2011 23:13

I had wondered about telling her to come clean or I'll tell him but DP didn't think that was a good idea.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 14/01/2011 23:13

Go and see him in person - simply tell him that you are sorry that you have to tell him what you are about to, but that he's your brother and you love him and so have no choice.... then just tell him what you have told us :(

oldraver · 14/01/2011 23:13

Give her the option to come clean first but make it clear you will have to say something if she doesn't

kepler10b · 15/01/2011 13:08

i'd tell him and show him the photos. what happens if she denies it and says you must have got her mixed up with someone else? if it was me who had a partner doing this it would be devastating but the photos would help make it real. when someone cheats it's all too easy to believe you are going mad - they will often try to make out you've got it wrong and part of you wants to believe them.

he's going to be hurt but better that than her making a fool of him. make sure you are there to help pick up the pieces.

LisaD1 · 15/01/2011 14:07

I think you should tell him, in person, and asap.

Please don't ignore it.

My parents didn't tell me they had seen an ex bf with ow until we split up, nearly a year later when he left for her.

My relationship with them has never fully recovered and that was 20 years ago.

ENormaSnob · 15/01/2011 14:13

Tell him

ruddynorah · 15/01/2011 14:21

You should have gone over and said hi.

MigratingCoconuts · 15/01/2011 14:23

think about what you would want if this was in reverse...

I'd tell him

CeliaFate · 15/01/2011 14:32

I wouldn't tell her first. That gives her time to get in first and lie/manipulate the situation if she's inclined to deceive your db she'll have no qualms about making you out to be a liar. Ask him round to your house and tell him.

iskra · 15/01/2011 14:42

Don't get too into criticising her & getting the boot in though, in case he ends up staying with her!

reratio · 15/01/2011 17:26

Any update OP?

Eglu · 15/01/2011 17:34

Agree with others. Tell your DB yourself and as soon as possible.

Gay40 · 15/01/2011 18:17

Taking pictures? Niiiiiice (not).
I would have gone over to say hello to her, then waited to be introduced to the other person. Thus telling her you knew all about it without you having to do anything else.
The taking pictures thing seems a bit teenage.

lazarusb · 15/01/2011 19:07

My loyalty would lie with my brother.

BurnAfterReading · 15/01/2011 19:11

Get the photos printed off and post them anonomously to your brother.

That way you will never be the bad person in this.

IME the person telling the bad news is always the person in the wrong....after brother and his -tart- girlfriend reconcile then you are remembered as the bitch who tried to break them up...believe me it happens.

Anonymous photos...go go go!!!

uyter · 15/01/2011 20:37

Please ignore Burnafterreadings advice, I think thats probably the worst thing you could do other than not tell him at all.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/01/2011 20:40

I second the warning NOT to do anything anonymously. It causes terrible pain and is utterly cowardly.

BurnAfterReading · 15/01/2011 20:45

sorry, I thought the would show that I was kidding

Obviously it's crap advice!

MigratingCoconuts · 15/01/2011 21:09

gosh burn, how dare you crack a joke

Flip