How do I help dd with feelings about dh after he had an affair?

[kath4kids]

DD 13 has been upset tonight says that she doesn't like her Dad, because of what he has done, that she wants to go and smash her windows and tell her h. Apparantly she has told her son that her h doesn't love her and neither does he love the son, how can you say that to a 14 yr old lad.

But enough of her. My dd says when Dad asks me to do things and I say 'no' and he says 'don't bother then i'll do it myself' and she then goes off in a mood that why should she bother when he did this to us.

Have tried to say it could be worse, we are still together as a family and we need to work toward forgiving him and that we can't hold it against him forever, that we all make mistakes and do things that we are sorry for.

But she still says I don't like him.

So what am i going to say to build her relationship back with her dad

Has he talked it through with her?

Kath I think Dad has to build his relationship back with her. He has to sit her down and try to explain where he went wrong (without the gorey details)- let her see that adults get it wrong too and that he is human and makes mistakes. He also has to reassure her about how he's going to try and make it right with you and with her.
You have shown by your actions and words that you are prepared to "forgive" his huge mistake and that does not change the way you view him as a parent. i think your dd somehow has to try and seperate the two - Dad who has always done his best as a parent and dad the husband who got it all wrong for a while.
Not easy with a teenager though!

what is he doing to build his relationship back with her?

I feel that ´learning´to forgive a person when they hurt you not the central aspect. It is about trust, respect and boundaries being built up again and he must show this in his love for you and the kids and give you all time so that the hurt can let go little by little.

So what seems like forgiveness is really more about commitment through actions of love.

I agree with maturer that it is for him to take the responsibility. I believe it is only right for him to deal with this himself and prove to her that he can act like an adult. He is the one who has lost her trust and respect and has to earn it back.
As the mother and the peacemaker of course you want to patch things up between them, but if it's a question of right and wrong, she is old enough to know the difference and if in her eyes what he did was wrong, then all your years of instill values in your precious daughter will have been for nothing if you criticise her reaction to him now.

She needs time and he needs to give her time. She has been very hurt and you can't ignore that fact or sweep it under the carpet.

I like your name RainbowWalker

And I like yours too Pap.... I was torn between rainbows and butterfly themes when choosing my nickname, but eventually settled on RainbowWalker as I have a dog called Rainbow!

he has never talked to her about any of this. She knows hes sorry because i have told her that he is.

Oh the joys of living with a man carrying around feelings of guilt - been there, done that, got the decree absolute.

My ds1 (13) is fine when he goes to stay with his dad nowadays (several years on) and never says anything confrontional to him, but he keeps his opinions of his dad's past misdemeanors to himself. Not sure which is worse.

The difference between Mars and Venus I guess....
Fight or flight...

Hi there

Are you the one who has had to give up jobs, kids move schools etc? Apologies if I have got the wrong story.

Even if this is not you, your daughter has every right to be completely peed off and upset at her father, just like you have been and probably still are sometimes. I'm sure she does still love him but has been betrayed and usettled by everything that has happened, just like you.

Did you not feel like confronting the other woman/telling her husband etc? There is no difference in your daughter's feelings/actions. She is hurting and lashing out probably unable to control herself like an adult does as she is not one.

Your husband is the one who needs to deal with your daughter and her emotions. Saying sorry personally would be a good start but it is not that simple and her pain will not go away that easily, just like yours.

HE is the one who has to rebuild her love and trust in him. YOU cannot do that for him.

Just like he has to with you, can you see the similarities?

I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh but you husband needs to step up and take the flack from her as well.

yes he lost his job i am currently on how shall we put it paid compassionate leave for 6 months, we are not allowed to go to our church anymore, so life has changed drastically, and in six months time it could change even more - if i resign then we loose house and car. So yes she does have right to be angry and upset and tomorrow when i see him when he gets home from work then i will tell him and he will have to sort it with her.

Oh if only parenting came with a manual

Excuse me for being nosey... but what church are you "not allowed" to go to and why?? Shocked.

She will quite rightly probably never trust men. Happened to me. My Dad forgiven. But, I suspect all men will stray.

RW problem is if we go to church then they will still see us as the leaders, even if i not working so they say we can't go. Can go to other churches of same denomination just not ours.

We are all paying the price for his mistake