Problem parents

[Cadenza]

I'm writing because I'm at my wits end about my parents. I have always known that they were very controlling but I'm very upset because I just can't see it ever ending and I don't know what to do. I have posted a bit here under another name but have changed for this.

The situation is a bit odd: I'm in my late twenties, doing a PhD in a foreign country, so if I come back to Britain to see family and friends I have to stay with them. So I have a home in the country I study in but I?m very aware that it's only temporary as I don't have right of residence there. So my only permanent address is theirs. I don't have a partner or children (hope I'm allowed to ask advice here!) I am in theory financially independent as the university I am at pays my fees and a living stipend. It's not a lot of money though - not enough to save anything. I have about 18 months of the PhD left.

I cannot have a discussion with them about anything we disagree on without it descending into in emotional blackmail and a complete scene. I sometimes feel as if they are not satisfied until they have reduced me to tears. My father often shuts down discussion or tries to coerce me to do something he wants me to do by crying hysterically (examples: when I was at school he used to get absolutely hysterical and cry and cry and shout at me if I came home with the top button of my uniform shirt undone, because that was against school regulations; we also had a massive row when I was at university because he disapproved of one of my friends that I was planning to share a flat with - he kept phoning me up and telling me about how he offered up his life to God in place of me when I was seriously ill as a child and how could I do this to him?). None of these disagreements can ever end in any other way than me giving in. If my mum and I are having an argument (even in a trivial jokey kind of way) he tries to shut it down. It's as if it's not OK to express any kind of negative emotion, even if you're just letting off steam.

One other thing that worries me is that they have basically taken over all of my financial stuff in the UK. I have about 100,000 quid in various places and I have no idea where any of it is because they have all of the account information in their house and they manage my investments. If they died in a car crash tomorrow I would have no idea where any of it was. (I know they haven't run off with it - because they gave most of it to me. It is the lack of knowledge and lack of consultation from them which annoys me.) It also means I don?t have any financial privacy because they get all my statements, because they have to go to a UK address.

I am just wondering how they will behave when I have a job. I suspect they are going to want to control all of my financial stuff then too. For various reasons I haven't had a long term relationship as an adult. My heart even sinks a bit at the thought of meeting a bloke I really like because I know they will hate the thought of someone else having influence over me and there will probably be a scene.

I am also a Christian, which they are not. Last Christmas (which was my first Xmas since I converted) my mother pulled out every form of persuasion to get me not to go to worship on Christmas Day and eventually basically prevented me from leaving the house. I didn't even bother to try this year because I knew what the reaction would be. I never go to church when I am staying at their house because there is obvious disapproval.

I am so upset because I can never see this ending. I feel like they are going to try to run my whole life for me, for ever. I know that I am probably partially complicit in this in some way but I just don't know what to do. I am - sort of - an only child (only child of this marriage) so I have never had anyone to back me up. This evening I am expected to sit down with them, open up all of my foreign money affairs to them so they can see what I do with my money, and then they are going to write a timetable of my life for the next 12 months.

Sorry this is so long but I don't want to drip feed. I feel awful for posting this because we have a very good relationship most of the time and I know this is not the worst it can get with parents. But I want this to stop before I am mid thirties with a partner and children!

This needs addressing. They do not see you as an adult, clearly. You are entitled to your privacy. Establish where your money is, put your stuff into storage and get the hell out of there. They are showing a totaql lack of respect for the fact that you are an adult. The fact that you've never had a long term relationship for fear of their disapproval is just so sad. They are toxic. Leave them to it.

Thanks for the response. The reason I haven't had a long term relationship has been more to do with the fact I had depression at uni and then haven't lived anywhere long enough to establish relationships. Not really anything to do with them per se.

But I am really looking for ways of dealing with this without cutting off contact. I think I may stick it out until I get the PhD and then just

sorry posted by accident. Was going to say that I just want to get them to back off until I graduate and then use that as a way, to say, OK I'm reclaiming control now. And hopefully stay in foreign country permanently!

Before you do anything major in changing your relationship with them (which you know you need to) you need to get yourself into a stronger position.

If you are going to start making changes, it is not helpful to give in frequently, so until you are really ready, just watch and learn.

Not knowing where you live its hard to suggest where to get help, but the university might well have support networks or councilors who would talk it through with you. Or you could try your Pastor/Church leader

The best end result is one where they let you be an adult and you still have good communication.

They do sound toxic, but you need to find out why and how it has made you behave towards them

Good Luck

You say that you want it to stop before you have a partner and children. Should that not be if you have a partner and child, because if you allow them to dictate your life to you, it's a very big if.

Have you ever had control over your investments? Is this all money that they have promised you or have they actually given it to you. There is a world of difference. Do your parents help support you now?

Have you ever lived away from home apart from university?

I don't think your parents are toxic they obviously love you and feel that they have invested a great deal of their dreams and aspirations on you. Unfortunately that's a huge weight of responsibility. I am an only child and it can be overwhelming.

I probably wouldn't rock the boat too much if you are relying on them at the moment. I would however talk to them and make sure the "investments" were in my name only and look forward to the end of the PHD. You could then take a job that is a good distance away!

Focus on the money - he who pays the piper calls the tune.
If you could rent somewhere for yourself when in UK you could choose the amount of contact you have.
Sort out your finances so that bank statements do not go to them. You can rent a post box from Royal Mail if need be.
Confront emotional blackmail by frankly telling your DF that that is what it is.
Do not compromise your faith for them - I could understand if was some weird cult but wanting to go to Church sounds so reasonable. Just go and put up with consequent sulks they won't last forever.
May be consider giving them another version of your post and using it as a starting point for a serious chat with them?

Just a thought triggered pickgo comment. If you don't know which banks have your money because your parents open your bank and investment post, you could try having a redirection service in your name from their address.

You will need to be staying with them when you apply for it as Royal mail send a letter to the address it is being redirected from to check its not fraud.

if the post about your money is not in your name it won't work.

All investments should send out summaries once a year or more

You do need to find out exactly where your money is and regain control of that. It does depend on how and where they invested that money and how that works regarding UK tax laws, but you need to be sure that you won't be held legally responsible for any mismanagement they might have done.

They are clearly not treating you as an adult - in fact, I think it's a bit creepy that you're still expected to reveal all your finances to them. They're controlling you by controlling your finances, and that probably won't stop just because you get your PhD.

You don't necessarily have to cut contact with them; but you need to cut their control of your life.

Maybe you should talk to someone at CAB, or perhaps a solicitor, to regain control of your money. That would be a good start to the rest of your life as an independent person.

Not toxic? They sound deeply, stunningly toxic.
The job of a parent is to help their children to grow up to be healthy, happy and independent.
The OP's parents are not helping her on any of those fronts. They sound highly controlling, manipulative and emotionally and financially abusive. They are using the money they have "given" her to keep her tied to them. They're buying her with it.
Cadenza, do you have friends or family in this country that you can stay with when you are here?
Or people in RL that you can talk to about all this?
One of the reasons that dysfunctional families can keep their members stay caught in the web of obligation and guilt is that the victims dare not talk to other people about what's going on at home and they don't know what's normal. Cadenza, it sounds as though your eyes have been opened, but you need some RL help and support in breaking free.
You can also try reading and posting on the Stately Homes thread here in Relationships for survivors or dysfunctional families.You'll be welcome there and you'll get lots of expert advice and insight.

OP can decide for herself if she thinks they are toxic.

There is an obsession developing in our society that is deeply worrying whereby Some people seem to hold the view that every male is a potential abuser, parents are toxic and the family is dysfunctional. It makes a victim of everyone who questions their relationships. It's unhealthy.

I worked in social work for years and I can assure you, almost all families are dysfunctional. It's on a sliding scale, like autism or intelligence. Most fit into the scale in the shaded area somewhere between normal and dysfunctional. There are no bad people, just people and their motivations.

Calling people you have no knowledge of toxic isn't very helpful.

"OP can decide for herself if she thinks they are toxic"
Absolutely. But she's asking for other people's opinions, and mine is that on the evidence she's given us, they sound toxic.

"Some people seem to hold the view that every male is a potential abuser, parents are toxic and the family is dysfunctional"
I doubt whether anyone holds that view. I certainly don't.

"Calling people you have no knowledge of toxic isn't very helpful"
Pointing out that, on the basis of what the OP has said, they sound toxic can be extremely helpful, as many newcomers to the Stately Homes thread have discovered.

what Faith are your parents Cadenza?

It may be worth getting an appointment with a solicitor with regard to your investments.

nogreatexpections: The knowledge all of us have of these parents is what the OP has described, and their behaviour is stunningly controlling. Calling them toxic is appropriate, as that's what they are. I realise that doesn't fit in with your category of "no bad people, just their motivations", but that doesn't help the OP at all. The offspring of toxic parents often feel unable to describe themselves as such, much as victims of domestic abuse aren't able to describe themselves in those terms either. Until they get the the kind of validation that the OP has got here to empower her to see what her situation truly is.

It isn't a deeply worrying obsession; it is a deeply worrying cover up that's been going on for a long time and has to stop.

You are joking, right? noexpectations - they are toxic nd controlling n the extreme. This is a grown woman who is not allowed to attend a church service on Christmas Day and whose father went hysterical if she came home with a button undone?

There is something very very wrong with them and it will destroy the OP's life if something doesn't change the situation.

OP you have the perfect opportunity if you are discussing finances with them - tell them ANYTHING, any lie you have to, to get the information out of them about where your finances are held. Say you want to make a will and need the info - anything.

Then get everything sent to you and once you have sorted that you give them a choice: the relationship is conducted on your terms or you will move abroad and never see them again.

There's no way on earth you are going to be able to get married and have kids - they will NEVER approve of any man.

OP- do you think there are cultural issues at play here? Do your parents come from a culture where it is the norm to always defer to your elders, even as an adult?

it's more than that though, no culture commonly requires keeping quite that much of a tight reign on adults, does it?

Can't understand why you can't get your bank statements sent to you - who told you that? I have accounts outside the UK and get statements sent here. Also have worked recently for a financial institution where statements are sent overseas. I think you need to start working on getting control back in your life. Why do you have to stay with them the whole time you're in the UK? While it is a good idea to protect your investments, spending a bit on alternative accomodation would help protect you.

"You are joking, right? noexpectations - they are toxic nd controlling n the extreme. This is a grown woman who is not allowed to attend a church"

Thats just it though, she is allowed to go to church, all she needs to do is stand up for herself. taking on the victim role, will in no way help OP to assert herself, but controlling parents will not listen to grown child jumping up and down and causing a scene. It will only undermine OP. Hostility will not work but calm planning and asserting herself gradually over time will.

As others have said, use what ever means you have to, to find out about these investments, finish your studies and then find a job well away from them. You don't need to fight them, threaten them or fall out. All that will do is heighten everyones emotions, set your father off and validate them in saying you are not mature enough to cope without them. I know, it took several years to break from mine, I have maintained a close and supportive relationship on my terms. Not once in the last 15 years or so has either of my parents tried to interfere. I now not only have their support but their trust and their respect.

As an only child, life can be pretty tough if you then find you have no family what so ever.

I'm not surprised you have been depressed at University . Not sure I would try and reclaim the £100K to be honest. Presumably you will soon be earning a decent salary when you have your Phd - hopefully enough to rent a small flat and to start saving from scratch. You may retain your self worth that way.

I think you might need professional help to get you all through this .

I was also going to post the same as Mdandmayhem. If your parents are tying you to them in this, frankly, deeply weird way, then you could just choose to walk away from the investments ...

Don't let them blackmail you with them.

You do not have to stay with them if you want to come to the UK. Youcan stay in a B&B or a cheap hotel or even a Youth Hostel.