Mental block, and emotional too

[hobbgoblin]

I am in very early stages of seeing someone new some months after the end of a traumatic relationship with my partner of 3+ years and father of youngest DD.

I am well shot of all that to be honest but still heartbroken at the loss of our 'family' (this is in my head as it was crap, and lonely and the use of the word family is a joke). I know it will take me years to get over that perceived loss. It isn't realistic to wait until those feelings go. I am ready in almost every sense for a new beginning.

The thing is, I haven't had a physical relationship with anyone since and still have this weird sense of (can't think of words) 'fidelity' to my last relationship.

I have always been odd in that I keep things from past memories.. not just tickets and stuff like that, but all kinds of inanimate stuff (can't give examples as is mortifyingly sad). I have actually taken the sheets of my bed from when ex partner and me and baby were last in it altogether and kept them. This isn't new and isn't a sign of me not being over it in that it's the same with all my past relationships, and I do the same with non romantic connections with people too.

Anyway my issue is that I am absolutely terrified of the overcoming of this last hurdle. The end of my fidelity to my ex partner, even though I am very keen to move to a physical relationship with someone else . I am worried I might cry with both relief and sadness and that this will convey an inaccurate message to new man.

I am scared of how I clearly am not a person who moves on easily. This is an important part of moving on but feels like it is going to be so wanted and yet so difficult.

Can anyone sympathise or help?

From your prevuious threads, I'd say a good long stint of therapy would be massively beneficial to you. I very very much doubt you are emotionally ready for a new relationship at the moment. You need to work on being alright being on your own for a bit.

Definitely agree with therapy. I have a lot of understanding but little ability to make good changes.

I have tried to sepnd the time alone being stronger and not falling apart and have succeeded in that.

I am decorating the house and sorting out finances and career.

Maybe it is too early. It doesn't feel like it. It feels like the insignifiance factor of being cooped up indoors every night on my own with the children is boring me senseless and leaving m lonely. I've made efforts to get out with female friends and have enjoyed it, rather than going through the motions wishing I was out with a DP. That made me feel confident I was ready. Perhaps not.

But you've only just split up with him after a shitty relationship that has lasted years. It's ok to feel bored stuck indoors, welcome to single parenthood. But you're not going to find whatever's missing in the shape of another man. You need to be happy on your own first. Maybe your fear of being on your own is why you attract wankers in the firts place?

maybe...
will check back later, school run now.

The received wisdom seems to be to wait 12-18 months after the break up of a relationship, especially a traumatic one. I am now 18 months down the line and think that is actually spot on.

There is something very significant about having had Christmas, your birthday, DC's birthdays etc. after your relationship has ended.