Sick of the way DP speaks to me

[Saz1973]

I'm actually starting to wonder if there is something wrong with him because the way he acts is not normal. I'm not the only one to notice it. It ranges from patronising to downright rude. Like you can be in the middle of a conversation and he'll just suddenly say "yeah, ok. bye" and put the phone down. Or he'll just change the subject like I could be saying "I have this presentation to ..... " and he'll suddenly say "yeah, did you remember to put the chicken on?". But he speaks to me like I'm a child too for instance he'll say "I'll do the washing up if you do the vacuuming". I'll say "ok" but he'll expect me to drop everything and do it there and then, even if I'm doing something and then he goes on and on about it, "what's happening with the vacuuming then? are you doing it? do you want me to get the vacuum out for you? you said you'd do it ... "I'll like ffs I'll do it when I'm ready, not when you say. Or he'll say "what's happening with the ironing these days? do I have any shirts ready for work?". Lately he's got into the habit of delibrately not understanding me when I speak. Like a conversation last night I said "I'll wait until Sunday to put those things on ebay." and he replied with "as in ...? " (he says this all the time, I'll say "what do you fancy for dinner and he'll say "as in ... ? " so anyway I said " as in ... I'll put that stuff on ebay on sunday". He questioned me on it. I pulled a face and ignored him (if he doesn't understand a simple sentance like that, he needs help imo) so he said "you're not explaining yourself properly ... " FFS I don't need to! I'm putting the stuff on ebay on sunday, what's not to understand??
He also has this wierd thing about sex where he'll try and get me to agree on "Planning" sex for that evening. If I'm stupid enough to agree to shut him up he'll go on about it all night and then try to force me to bed early incase I get tired and "pull out of the deal" so to speak. I end up feeling oblidged to sex even if I'm not in the mood because somewhere along the line, we've "agreed" on it. The whole thing is just getting me down. I don't know if it's passive aggressive or what. I just need to vent I suppose.

Have you actually talked to him about this unacceptable behaviour? What does he say?

that sounds very irritating and rude. of him. sorry dont know what to advice apart from confront him about it

About putting the phone down or changing topic of conversation he says he doesn't realise he's doing it but how can you not? When he seems to delibrately misunderstand what I say I pick him up on that and he says i'm nit-picking and looking for an argument and its not his fault that I don't make myself clear when I speak (everyone else seems to understand me though). The planning sex thing we have discussed many times, he stops it for a while but it always starts again.

I think you need to sit him down for a proper chat about it. You need a list of things that make you feel negative, and explain how they make you feel. Tell him if he loves you, he'll care about how you feel about things, and want to change how he speaks to you.

How committed are you to oneanother? Is it a relationship you could easily walk away from, or are you at a point where you really need to make a big effort to make it work before that point?

Because, unless I was married or had children with someone like this, I'd be out the door. There's no way I'd stay with someone who showed so little respect or care for me.

That's a really worrying lack of respect for you. Frankly, if he said "as in" when I talked about dinner, I'd answer "as in, oh, make your own".

It would be a deal-breaker for me, but if you do want to keep going, I'd read Patricia Evans book about verbal abuse (it doesn't matter if he's not actually calling you names). She recommends pointing out to him every time he talks disrespectfully to you. Use the same words every time, act like a broken record, and refuse to engage with him if he won't use basic manners. So every time he says this kind of thing, say "That is not a respectful way to talk". Said it in a detached rather than angry way. If he still won't change after you've said this three times, just leave the room.

Whatever you do, don't let this become routine.

And by the way, feeling obliged to have sex when you don't want it is actually rape. (and yes, I know that sounds shocking, and I'll admit I've had sex to keep the peace, but it's no way to build intimacy).

This is an abusive relationship.

He sounds charming. Why are you with him? Does he have any redeeming features?

Does he do this to other people?

Do you have children with him? Are you married? If answer to both questions is no, then breathe a sigh of relief because what I am going to suggest will make life a heck of a lot easier for you to do what you must and that is to leave him.
I'm not sure that I would class his behaviour as abusive, but, by god, it WILL drag you down to the point where you feel infantilised and unable to think straight. His behaviour will have a 'drip drip' affect at chipping away at your confidence.
Maybe he doesn't mean any harm, nevertheless, this constant belittling/nagging will drive you to a state of gibbering wreckness.
I am serious when I say to leave him.

He sounds as if he has got autistic tendencies. If so, the guy can't help it and it is possible that he genuinely only means well and DOES love you dearly, but I fear the cost to you of staying with him may be to all but destroy your mental health and I think you should go all the same.

It sounds as if he has Asperger's. You might want to read up on it and see what you think.

Has he always been like this?

I have considered aspergers but would that cause him to nag and act so controlling etc? He doesn't have much of a sense of humour, I'll tell him something funny and he'll just make a "Hmm" noise indicating that he's heard me. I'll tell him something obvious e.g "I was so scared when that dog attacked me" and he'll either reply with "hmm" or "were you?" in a way that indicates he's suprised by the obvious. Some of the things he says are innapropriate too like I'll say something really stupid e.g "Just heard the rabbit calling me names for forgetting the carrots" and he'll reply with "really?" wtf?? I genuinly believe this to be down to the fact that he simply doesn't listen though so when I speak, he notices I am awaiting a response and so he blurts out whatever he thinks may suitably follow a statement i.e. "really?". I don't know, Im just sick of it all really, he's such hard work. I crave sitting down with a NORMAL bloke, having a laugh, feeling that I'm cared for, not been nagged at for stupid things, not been snapped at constantly.
Like this morning I told him I'd transfer the money from my paypal to his bank account. He "reminded" me it was £48. All I said was "I'm sure it was £44?" and he started kicking off "WE WORKED IT OUT! You know we did. I'm not lying, I'm not trying to rip you off, it was £48. I remember it clearly, I'll even show you ... We sat down and we worked out .... " ok ok ffs .... see what I mean? I feel like I'm walking on egg shells constantly.

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells constantly.

Classic red flag. Why are you with him again?

I was going to say (like Nick) the "walking on eggshells" feeling is a classic red flag.

Other red flags are when you say:

"act so controlling"

"snapped at constantly"

"deliberately not understanding when I speak"

"...he'll just change the subject" (when you are speaking)

Do read the Patricia Evans book.

This is not domestic violence but it is, or very nearly is, Verbal Abuse. Many people think that only black eyes equal abuse.

Either he's doing it deliberately to be annoying, or he can't help it - I also recognised possible mild autistic/aspergers tendencies.

I also do the whole 'changing the subject' thing at times. Someone will be saying something and suddenly something else pops into my mind and I find it very hard not to blurt it out instantly, however inappropriate it might be.

Sometimes I do do it, but sometimes I manage to control it - but I find it very frustrating that if I wait for a 'suitable' point in the conversation, to say my thing invariably I have forgotten what it was I wanted to say.

And I do score high on the autistic spectrum, higher than 'normal', but not quite high enough to be classed as autistic.

The obsession with you doing immediately what you had said you would do and in his mind, had agreed upon, and freaking out if you renege on it, sounds aspergers-like also.

Doesn't sound like normal 'arse' behaviour to me.