newbie,needs advice...

[tinkerbell41]

hi everyone,i,ve been lurking for a long time and have finally joined!!! i read every night trying to get some advice for my messed up life and now i,ve really messed it up i,m hoping you might be able to help me or just give me a huge kick up the butt!!!

am really really struggling today hence my first post..heres goes...

split up from exhub two years ago-my choice after a very difficult controlling marriage,things got nasty,he took me to court etc but i was still so relieved to escape that i coped pretty well i think,have two kids who were happy enough as i was always their main caregriver anyway..he got access every other weekend and twice during week...

anyway i was happy getting by,not great but coping then start of last summer i started seeing a friend i had known for years when kids not around,it was amazing and i loved every min of it-he showed me a new way of life and how made me feel fanastic but long hard story short he died in horrible circumstances...i fell apart completly but managed to keep kids lives normal by pretending i had flu....then i faked it til i made it plastering a smile on my face everyday when to be honest i just wanted to lay down and never get up again(it still hurts like hell but i just live/struggle with it)
anyway at end of summer i joined a gym and have really tried hard to make an effort and now look the best i have in years-people keep telling me i,m like a new person(not great but better!!)

so this guy starts cracking on to me and we sort of start a thing in gym,having coffee etc and after bout month i thought what the heck and agreed to go on a date with him....that went really well,had a very good silly time and he stayed over(didnt do the deed just cuddled/heavy petted etc)couple more dates and cuddles later i felt like i wanted to sleep with him-i come from a very conservative background but i just wanted a little fun????

anyway due to my biological clock wasnt possible at time-we were both very disappointed and then he went away with work for a week and got back couple of days ago...when he went away i figured i wouldnt hear from him for week(i know hes only in it for fun,hes younger,extremely fit and i was happy with that) but he texted me for hours back and forth everyday-basically telling me what he was going to do to me when he got back,lol-i loved it...that was til mon night,he wanted me to go out with him this sat-kids away,that was the last i heard from him....i sent him a silly text on wed- he didnt text back....
went to gym today and he was there(working) but he didnt come over-dont know if he saw me or not....havent had any texts since mon night..

what the bleep is going on...i knew he was only in it for a laugh and i was ok with that-had decided to sleep with him as i miss sex sooo much and really didnt expect him to be back once he got his oats but he hasnt had them yet and i just dont understand-really out of it with dating-was married 12 years...
what you think he up to and what should i do-ignore him completey,just act as if any of it had never happened or ask him what the hell hes up to!!! hes was extemely affectionate on our dates and his texts where very explicate and i responded in kind!!
i was really looking forward to this weekend and now i feel like shit..kids away so i,ll be on my own....just want to take some sleeping tablets and sleep through but that not good,,am feeling like shit and really dont like it...dont understand whats changed with him so quick,i thought i was playing the game but it hasnt worked????

ta for listening...any advice would be great.oh and whatever a troll is i,m not one of those just a messed up mum who wanted a bit of fun for me for a change..

hey op, didn't want to leave this post unanswered. firstly i dont think you're life is messed up. i think you have shown great strength and resilience to walk away from a difficult marriage, get over a death (i am so so sorry you have gone through this, doesn't seem fair) and get yourself back on your feet with the gym etc. give yourself a medal because you deserve it.

wrt the gym bloke i think you need to chalk him up to experience i really do. for whatever reason this has gone cold and he is behaving very disrespectfully toward you. dont put up with it. ime he will get in touch next time he's bored and horney and in the end make you feel more shit.

try to relax this weekend and make the most of having time to yourself. it might help to really think about what you want next - do you want another relationship? are you looking for a life partner? maybe you arn't - have a big think.

oyherwise do some things to take your mind off it. go to the library and get some trashy novels out/ring up an old friend for a catch up, have some early nights, whatever makes you feel a bit perkier.

ta i know your right its just so hard...i thought in my stupid head we would have a fling then that would be it and i would just get on with things but now i feel stupid and the gym had kinda become my haven and now hes there with this unfinished business its crap...i really would have been ok about seeing him there if we had finished(we both adults after all)but cause of the way hes been i,m just so confused???is it him or me???how should i be with him so as to limit damage???i,m quite a cheeky person who gives as good as she gets!!

ignore him!! or be civil and pretend it never happened? its just a bit raw now. in a couple of weeks you will be in there as usual and it will feel totally normal, well hopefully. odds are he's 'put you on the backburner' if you understand that expression?

so guess who txt to see how i was!!!!!he wondered why i wasnt at gym so i guess he didnt see me!!!!or i,m just being dumb??? should i go out with him tonight or not?????

so i went out with him last night....went to cinema on my own first-made him wait-then saw him ltr....decided i had nothing to lose and was very much in control(outwardly,inside i was a mess!!!)anyway it really got him going,we had lots of fun and then we did the deed-earth didnt exactly move but was good-been a while and i was horny!!! turns out he had spent over 50quid on his phone txting and then dropped it so thats why he had stopped txting me while he away-i saw it its held together with an elastic band til hr gets a new one...and he only got back on thursday night at midnight,went to work and then wanted to see me but i kept him waiting!!!

maybe i,m being stupid but think hes not as bad as i thought he was...hes off to work now and said i,ll be back later-i played it cool and said if you lucky....
i,m well aware that its very unlikely to go anywhere but i really just wanted a bit of fun-been a very long 11yrs,my ex emotionally abusive and no sex with him for nearly 6years-his choice not mine.

wot you think,am i mad or should i just enjoy it while it lasts???i have never slept around and my family would be horrified...

i decided not to go with the cover up trick talked about on here and just let him strip me and he said i had a firm ass-he extremely fit and i,m only working my way to fitness,was quite appreciative of my bod which was a huge ego boost....

any ideas on how i should play it or will i just enjoy the ride-no pun intended-while it lasts???

enjoy!!

I was just wondering though, that with this hot cold behaviour...could he be married??

Not saying he is, just keep alert for future odd behaviour.

for now..enjoy and don't over think. You deserve some fun!!

defo not married-made sure of that.....know hes a bit of a player but i,m not looking for someone to marry just bit of fun at min....one concern is that he likes to play rough which i love but i know that could be a trigger to something else so i,ll be careful-hes knows i have a safety buddy cause i txt her last night to let her know i was ok when we got home last night and i made sure he knew what i was doing!!!

feeling surprisingly liberated today.no guilt at all like i thought i might...any looking forward to tonight smile

meant and looking forward to tonight..:)

good post needa...sounds familiar too

Yes - enjoy it while it lasts but be realistic. If you say he's a player then keep that in mind and be cynical! If you start to feel yourself get pulled in too far, or he ever makes you feel bad, or scared, or it starts to become anything less than fun, then end it (and if the thought of ending it is anything worse than mild disappointment I'd take that as a sign you're getting too involved as well)

Good luck! :)

ta guys,you rock and all advice taken on board and listened to...have been on my own every other weekend for bout 10months now so pretty good at filling my time,either at gym or doing nice things for me so happy enough with that.i,m very independant-had a flat tyre today while out and he was txting me,he offered to come and change it for me but i said no and did it myself...

he been txting all day and was very attentive when i went to the gym earlier-he a trainer there,was quite sweet even....

one question how do i let him know i,m happy for things to continue as fun and that i am interested in him but that i dont want huge serious relationship....dont know how to find the balance???when i said he was a player i meant that i know hes lived with a couple of girls and theres no way i would be going down that route-noone gets near my kids and my family would freak-get the feeling he likes to have a girlfriend but not a huge love affair thing....how do i make it obvious that i,m happy to get on having fun with him but thats it...hes very joky and dont think he has a serious bone in his body,likes to mess and really seems to like it when i come on strong...
am waffling now so off to prepare for his arrival:) ta again for your help..

As a 'boy toy', way to go! Have well deserved fun.

But...
Please take precautions. I hope you are using protection every time.

Take him or leave him: no difference to you.
I wouldn't even elevate him to status of 'fuck buddy'.
Keep yourself emotionally disconnected so that you can literally walk away/end it at the drop of a hat-without skipping a heart beat. And that is a walk away, don't look back, don't listen/communicate with him again kind of emotional disconnection.

Because:

The intensity and constant texting and then disappearing without warning are not good circumstances to let yourself get enmeshed. He very well could have sent you a 'final' text saying he had to 'cool it on the phone bill/see you when I get back' but he didn't. Bit of a red flag for me, just saying.

The constant texting is a red flag, too. Your relationship is what? 6 weeks old? He is texting like he is a 14 year old girl. Sorry, just saying.

It is like he wants your attention to be on him and nothing else. Red flag.

Then he he disappears knowing you will be affected, and then expects you to happily agree to every excuse offered. Yes, these were plausible excuses, but then aren't they all? Red Flag.

Yes, I am rather cynical about men, so take it with a grain of salt. But be aware of the dynamic he is playing; it does sound rather scripted. .

Enjoy! When you're single (as I am) you need a bit of fun. But keep being independent, tell him straight out if you like that you don't want a relationship (although that might only make him chase more, but he deserves to know). As soon as you start to feel anything for him (at all) - get out. He really isn't relationship material.

Just say, sorry, it's been fun, but I don't want to continue this anymore.

ta again guys for all your advice...
mbc-i know exactly wot you mean just not very good at keeping my emotions in check..aagghhh..but maybe this a good way of me learning????will keep very independant-kids are way too important to me and i dont want my family knowing bout him so while its not exactly a secret i,m not shouting bout it from rooftops in rl...

tmsb-great advice,ta...in many ways he does seem like a 14yr old boy and yep defo being very careful on the protection front-hes quite respectful that way!!!this may be tmi but i really must learn how to put condoms on guys as i had to untie him last night so he could put it on as i messed it up..lol...

SO...last night he came round and i made us tea...sat on sofa for hrs messing around then off to bed....had sex three times-thats more than i,ve had in years in one night..lol...
was much better and he was very attentive which was lovely....hes extremely fit and throws me around like a ragdoll...i decided i had nothing wotever to lose and just let him see me as i was which clearly he likes which is lovely-my ex was very critical most of the time..
this am we sortof had a chat while messing around,,i said he was hard to read and he said lifes short but he appears to be quite needy if you know what i mean...i called him a spoilt boy last night and he said it was completly the opposite??? am very confused at the whole thing and just a little worried that i,ll let my emotions get out of control but as i,m keeping him firmly in the part of my life that doesnt involve my kids i,m hoping it will be ok..

hes off to work now and i,m going to get some rest!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when he was leaving-eating brekie-he asked me if kids go away every other weekend when i said yes he asked could he come round in two weeks...i said we,ll see...he wanted me to go to gym with him today but i said nope ..hes been txting ever since and wants to come back for a couple of hrs this afternoon before kids get back....
am i being a complete fool?? i honestly thought that we would have a fun weekend then off he would go as he,d got his oats but he obviously wants more and is still very interested...tbh i havent got a clue wot i,m doing????cant believe i,ve got a hot toy boy....

am i mad???(hmm)

He wants more sex.

If you can't keep your emotions in check then please don't go there.

mbc-think your right...he was supposed to be here at two but txted to say he couldnt get here til 3.30....i txted back 'you stuck in someones bed' and he txt back yes....two options hes messing-has a seriously silly sense of humour or he really is with someone else..now if that the case i,m not that worried bout him-lets face it i just want a fling at min with no commitment but theres no way i,m going to hurt some other girl by seeing her man-thats not an option and one of my rules in life....
so what do i do...i know he was in a long term relationship that ended a few months ago and i kinda got the feeling that he was cut up about it but was too 'macho' to admit it,his dad died this time last year and he plays very cool about that-again i think hes seriously covering up his real feelings cause when my dad ill this week he was concerned...
when he left this am he was very affectionate and he asked if it would be ok to see me when kids next away-i put no pressure on him at all..within 20mins of him leaving he was txting about jokes we had been laughing bout in mid of night..
#i,m trying to be very sensible.am happy wotever happens but i think i need to ask him outright if i,m going to break some other girls heart???i have nothing to lose have i..dont even know if he would tell me the truth....i know for sure that at the gym hes considered single but thats no guarrentee(cant spell that)

hes due back in 20mins...aaagghhh,any quick advice very gratefully recieved...

If you've been satisfied, physically, then I'd say end it now.

"...i txted back 'you stuck in someones bed' and he txt back yes...."
He said it, believe it! even if he later tries to brush it off as only 'joking'. Pardon, some people would be ok with that. But if it makes you feel confused, conflicted (what is the right word?) then listen to your feelings. Please don't sweep your feelings like that aside for the sex uphoria.

All this texting-thought he had concerns for his phone bill? Oh, is that conviently forgotten now?

Saying "no" to him is a good thing. Maybe set it up for once a month? You will still need a free weekend for yourself.

He sounds remarkably like someone I was seeing. Even if someone just wants sex they can be thoughtful so don't read anything into him being concerned about your Dad.

It's none of your business what he is getting up to when he's not with you. You want to know if you're breaking some other girl's heart because you want to know if there is another girl. Not really because you think you'd be breaking her heart. If there is someone involved, he's the one doing the heartbreaking, not you.

You're in too deep. Be honest with yourself.

Get out or get hurt.

tmsb-he was away when he was worried bout phone bill,back in country now.....your right bout saying no,i have tried to make sure i,m not sitting here waiting for him..going out to cinema etc...

mbc-i know your so right its just so good to have some fun but i know i,m going to end up getting hurt...hes knows i,ll not be free now for two weeks so will see how he treats me at gym,if he still wanting coffee etc after workout then great if not then i will defo be too busy for foreseeable furture...

he came round this afternoon and we had a bit more of a chat bout our lives etc and he opened up quite a lot which is good i guess but not if i need to stay emotionally detached..i think he wants to protray this macho guy image as hes quite raw under it all but i know i might just be fooling myself...

he brought me a present and a postcard???i just found it after he left,he had left it sitting for me????

oh fudge i know i,m being a fool....kids back really soon and i,ll be back in mummy mode....nice to have a fun weekend!!!

Oh, ok, I didn't quite have the context of the phone issue.

I still don't get much positive out of his behavior, though, tbh. Sorry.

Overall, the intensity is too ott. I feel he is grooming you, possessing you, to be a new member of his 'stable'.

Btw, gifts are tricky. Watch out. Wierd he didn't hand it to you. Payment for your favors? I mean wouldn't he want to see your expression, tell you about why he chose that just for you, and then accept your cha-cha thank you?

Sorry I'm such a negative nelly-I'll leave you alone now.

tmsb-you dont have to leave me alone,i,m very happy to listen to all you have to say and appreciate the advice very much.i dont having many gf in rl that i can go to for advice-have a few but they would be shocked and the rest i lost when ex and me split...

it was only a little gift,have no idea why he didnt actually hand it to me....

hes been texting all evening again...

tbh i think i should run a mile but its just so nice to have some attention after having none for years and years....

will be interesting to see how things go at gym tomo.......

To let him know you are happy with the way things are, just don't text him immediately, play a little hard to get as you have been doing. Just don't encourage too much. If men want you, they will come to you...

I fell into chasing a hot and cold man, mainly because I was so bloody horny all the time after a no-sex marriage!! But not a good move. Next time will be friendly but relaxed.

This guy, as everyone has said, is not good relationship material. So either see him very very casually, or not at all. I got emotionally involved ... sometimes you can't help it. In hindsight I played it all wrong...but it's tough when you are not used to being in the dating game.

My male friend gave me the best advice: diversity. Keep your options open for other dates...that is what cracked the code for me. Suddenly that one person who gives you sex, is not the only one.

Give him a cute smile at the gym, then skip off, take a shower and have lunch with a friend. Fill your days...no sitting around gazing. Buy yourself the box set of Lost or something and watch it whenever you get gooey eyed. Works eventually....I never thought it would but it does! Thank god!

ta fizzfiend,gd advice...my life is generally pretty busy so i can distract myself....though i have to admit thinking bout him a lot today but not in a gooey way more in a wow that was great sex,am i mad sort of way....i went to gym this am and did a good workout-did see him and just smiled said hello and kept on walking into shower then had coffee with friend,he smiled at me first and said hello so that was good,just didnt want it to be really awkward as i,m really enjoying getting fit properly this time....
there is another guy at gym who i get on really well with(hes even younger-aaagghhh)and we always have a good flirt in sauna...will keep on doing that....

not feeling guilty at all which i,m a little surprised at????