I know I'm being unreasonable but help me understand why.

[Nogoodatthis]

Those of you who remember previous threads of mine won't be surprised to see that this is another slightly pathetic, needy post. I am trying, I really am! And you guys are always so great. TIA for patience and understanding.

Have been seeing new man for a few months now. He has DC, I don't. He's great, treats me very well. No red flags that I've noticed so far.

My thing is that because I am at the age where I would like to start a family, I've noticed I get these irrational surges of jealousy towards his ex over the fact that she had his children. When I watch One Born Every Minute, and see how loving and supportive the partners of the women are, I can't help but feel really envious and upset that he must have been like that with her when she gave birth. I KNOW it sounds crazy, but I can't get a handle on why I'm feeling like this.

The other day we were talking about the physiology of childbirth and child rearing (in the context of talking about a good friend of mine who's just had a baby). He was saying about how amazing a woman's body is to be able to cope with it all, and then I couldn't help thinking that he must have thought (still does think?) that about his ex - (which says good things about him right? I mean he bloody well should have been worshipping her after she'd borne him DC!) - and had to go to the loo and have a little cry in secret because I felt inadequate by comparison. Like, my body's not as amazing because it's never given birth. That's not how he meant it AT ALL, but because I'm broody (he doesn't know I am BTW - way too soon for those kind of conversations!), I got upset anyway.

Is this just a symptom of me being broody and really liking him? Or am I straying into Glenn Close territory?? I don't want to feel like this and am really surprised that I do, and to the extent that I do. I never used to be particularly maternal at all.

It's normal I think, you needn't worry.

Phew! Thank you.

You are REALLY broody lol!!

I know the feeling. I HATED weddings and baby showers and having to coo over other people's babies.

I really think it is just broodiness. YANBU but I don't really know what else to say.....

Oh definitely normal... women have great imaginations.

It sounds like you'd like to 'fast foward' your relationship with this guy. He sounds nice but take your time and make sure he wants the same things that you do. It's stil really early days.

You're not inferior because you've not given birth, you know. You will, if it's right for you, when the time is right.

PHEW too!!

men and their flipping histories!

(not a lesbian (YET!) so cannot moan about woe=men and their ex's)

Hmmm.

I think you really need to be OK with the fact that he had children with his ex before getting serious.

Jealousy can be corrosive.

Until you can genuinely be pleased that he had these children and that he is impressed by what women's bodies do during pregnancy and childbirth you shouldn't be thinking of a future with him and his children.

In particular you must not seek to have a child of your own in order to counter these feelings and put yourself on an equal footing with his ex.

It won't work. She'll always have got there first and it will put ugly pressures on your pregnancy and your relationship with his children (and ex).

These are the feelings that lead to evil stepmother syndrome - women who are jealous of their husband's children and use their own children to assert the primacy of their relationship.

If you can't figure out how to be the bigger person about this, then have the decency to step away.

Thanks for your perspectives. Spidookly I understand what you're saying. I reeeeeeealllly don't want to be that kind of person.

Maybe jealousy is the wrong word to use, because I certainly don't feel any spite or malice towards his ex; more like envy I suppose. Like 'I would really like it to happen to me one day and please, please let it be my turn soon', IYSWIM.

LyingWitch - thank you, you are right about the fast forwarding thing. I know that I am BU to do that and am really trying to just take things slowly and let the relationship follow its own rhythm and pace. I'm just really surprised by the strength of my feelings on this. I have never had any particularly maternal feelings and always thought I might be one of those women who ends up not having children by choice. But this has really knocked me sideways.

Thanks to all those who've reassured me these are normal feelings of broodiness, I've been feeling like I'm crazy.

It's not very nice though, especially when you're not in a position to do anything about it. I think I preferred it when I didn't want kids!

Yes you're definitely broody. And I suppose there's an element of feeling like you've missed out (already) on the experience of having your first child truly together, I know my bf has this a bit, he's always wanted children and I already have DS and one day we were wandering around mothercare buying a new baby present for a friend and he turned to me and said "If we ever end up having kids, can I choose the pram etc?" and I was like why, I already know about prams!" and he said "Yes exactly, I want a turn :("

TBH I think the only reason why I'm not broody with him is because I already have DS

I think you just have to take it as a good thing that you already know he will be a good father if you ever do have children together, and maybe bring it up a bit later on, just ask him if he can try to downplay his previous experience and focus on you, as though it is the first time. Not constantly saying "Oh when x was pregnant she had this" or "When my DD was born we had a pushchair which did this" etc etc.

He's said he definitely wants more. And he is a fantastic father already.

I guess he's still weighing me up to see if I'm a long term prospect. I'm pretty sure he is for me, but the stakes are a bit higher for him as he doesn't only have himself to think about.

Feel a bit silly thinking about all this stuff so early into the relationship, but having a family is definitely a factor for me. There's a fine line between coming across as a baby-craving mentalist and having an honest conversation about where the relationship is headed. I don't want to be too previous but at the same time I don't want to waste loads of time 'just relaxing and enjoying it' if it's not going to go anywhere. Do you know what I mean?

When's a good time to bring that stuff up? Should I have a time limit in my head? Is 6 months too soon to start talking about the heavy stuff?

I hope it's your turn soon too :)

If things work out with this guy, at least you know he isn't going to be one of those cruel weirdos who won't shag their pregnant wife or gets turned off sex by childbirth. And that he's a good Dad.

I think it important not to get hung up on "firsts" - just because you've done something before doesn't mean it will be less special doing it subsequent times. His experience could be a real bonus, if you let it be.

I don't think 6 months is too soon to have that conversation. I think I had it with DH at around that stage and I was 25 and turned him down 2 years later the first time he proposed :o I was in no rush but not interested in messing about with someone who wasn't on the same page about where we were headed eventually.