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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

can't move on

15 replies

rubycon · 14/01/2011 08:44

I've been divorced from xh for a while now. We were together for almost 30 years, he left me for someone 25 years younger than me.

Most of the time I'm fine and then it hits me like a hammer and I can feel all the old emotions flood in. My sensible head says its because I'm lonely.

I know I need to get away, I'm trying to sell my house to make a fresh start.

How do I move on with my life and stop hoping he'll come back?

OP posts:

ILovedYou · 14/01/2011 09:18

They say it often takes someone new. I have been single for quite some years and i haven't found anyone that will take me seriously so my wierd behaviour that i display on purpose is to push new men away!

I guess i am just not ready for a man yet. I need to like and accept myself and build my own life.

Lonliness is a terrible, soul changing thing. I am trying to change too. I would love to move but cannot afford to and wouldn't be practical for my disabled child, in terms of schools etc.

I am scared of men and find them difficult, I am shy too as i kow i will just end up badly hurt.

Just try and build up some self esteem, meet new people, work voluntarily, improve physical fitness/health, new hairdo.

Take one small step - ie visit voluntary work agency for interview etc,

Then you will feel better and this yearning and longing for him to come back and a time that is impossible to get back will start to fade.

His loss. He has moved on and is enjoying life. He is a almost totally different person to the one you knew. Now you change and stop living through the past that won't ever come back like he won't. If he did (which he will not and you have to believe that), by that time, you won't want him HA!!!

Original poster

rubycon · 14/01/2011 09:26

thanks for the reply, I too am shy, I live in a place that isn't blessed with many things to do.

I don't think I'll ever trust again all that happened came out of the blue.

Not posting and running, but I have to go out.

Thank you again.

OP posts:

wendihouse22 · 14/01/2011 09:28

How long is a while? Having been with a person for almost 30 years, it's going to take a long long time to put the past behind you, rubycon. Good God, it's a lifetime! You had a successful marriage for almost 3 decades.....you haven't failed. You don't need to feel badly about that. He must have been happy within your marriage for it to have lasted so long. The fact that he left you for someone so much younger begs the question.......mid life crisis for him?

Have you had/considered some counselling to help you with your feelings? Making a fresh start is a good idea.....running away is not. You may feel somewhat displaced if you move away to avoid those feelings hitting you like a hammer. Or, have you friends/family in the area you're hoping to move to?

I feel for you. My husband left when my son was 4 and now, 6 yrs later I have met a lovely man, remarried and I'm happy. Truly. We were not together as long as you but, he was seeing someone else and it hurts terribly. Or it did.

It must be so hard but you simply HAVE to work through your feelings and try to move on. It frees you for other friendships and maybe, in the, a relationship.

You deserve to free yourself from this now.

wendihouse22 · 14/01/2011 09:29

Meant to say "maybe, in the future, a relationship".

ILovedYou · 14/01/2011 09:40

I am on therapy session number 3 also. it helps. I do not have any family other than my son and not many friends i see often enough to enable me to talk. I have online or text friends. I gues i am scarred.
Hopefully you are in a better position than i. I think moving house a fter a short period of therapy if that was still an option for you could be marvellous. it is not running away. You just have to build a life of your own, that you have created and is special as you tailor made it for you!

ILovedYou · 14/01/2011 09:42

It gives you back a sense of control and the husband that is a devil on yoiur shoulder will be slowly worn away until you will flick him off into the sewer he deserves and from your good mind so he cant control your mind any longer.

tammybear · 14/01/2011 09:50

After one relationship I had, I felt extremely low and lonely. I had brought a book (and if I can remember the name of it, I will tell you) that helped deal with being lonely. It was to change it from a negative to a positive. It had little steps that you could do to help change the perspective as well as boost your confidence. Things like smiling at a stranger, striking up a conversation with the supermarket cashier, eating lunch in a restaurant on your own, stuff like that.

I also saw a counsellor for two years, who did me wonders. Helped me change my perspective a lot. You can ask your GP if there is a waiting list that you could go on. You don't have to do many. Once I only went to the first session, talked out all my feelings and emotions, and felt better for it and didn't go back.

Just take each day as it comes. Time is a healer, and though it may not seem it now, soon you will be a much better place.

ILovedYou · 14/01/2011 10:28

Also there is NO such thing as can't in this situation. New activities, keeping busy, new people, therapy (interview the and 1st should be free if not do not bother), new ohysicaol image means new mental image of yourself for you. You are intelligent, clever enoguht o post her and you go out too!

Want to chat online with me just say and we can swap email addresses.

ILovedYou · 14/01/2011 10:30

chat to therap[ists on phone, the best therapaists offer their service free for the first sesion. If the they do not then move to the next one.

ILovedYou · 14/01/2011 10:31

sorry about this - son keeps grabbing at computer for the next youtube video to be played!

chat to therapists on phone and the first session in person should be free, this means he/she is a goody!

Original poster

rubycon · 14/01/2011 13:01

thank you for the replies, it means a lot.

I want to move to be closer to my DC, I have no relations and no friends. We moved here a few years ago and I hate it. Miles from anywhere and no transport.

I don't want to keep feeling like this, it seems one step forward and three back. It's almost 18 months now and I had counselling and therapy as I was so low I tried to end it all.

I just need to stop thinking about the past - it wasn't all good, but I forget about those times.

OP posts:

HappyDaysAreHereAgain · 14/01/2011 13:34

rubycon it just takes time sweetheart. You were in your relationship a very long time, that takes some getting over. Also, even though you think you aren't moving on in some way you will be. One day you will climb into bed a realise that you haven't thought about him all day, your heart will feel lighter and happier. I promise you, this day will come.

I left my ex last February after an 11 year relationship and only a couple of months ago I thought I would never be happy again, I truly felt that I was stuck with the misery and overwhelming sadness but I am delighted to say something clicked and I have turned a corner. I still have my moments but generally life is great. You will get there too, just hang on in there.

Can I just say what a lovely thread this is, such good advice given in such a caring way. I almost asked for your email address myself ILovedYou

WherecanIhide · 14/01/2011 15:29

HappyDaysAreHereAgain If you don't mind me saying [writing] chosing to leave your H is totally different to being dumped. Yes I understand it was not easy but you still had a choice - even if it may not have seemed like it.

kepler10b · 14/01/2011 15:29

18 months is no time at all to properly get over a long marriage. it's a big loss and you need to grieve properly and not be hard on yourself. try to enjoy the times when you can feel better and know that the times when you feel bad will pass.

instead of feeling a failure for still hurting (you are so not btw) try to think of things that might help. even if they don't doing something / trying something is better than not.

you say you have no friends but try being a friend to yourself first. could you realistically move to an area where it might be easier to make friends and do more social activities? it must be hard living in the middle of nowhere. too quiet and too much time to think.

HappyDaysAreHereAgain · 14/01/2011 16:48

WherecanIhide I don't mind you saying at all however, I left an abusive relationship and so feel I didn't have a choice. As silly as it makes me sound I loved the man, I didn't leave because I didn't love him I left to escape the abuse. To this day I still love him and it is a constant battle to overcome the feelings of sadness at having to leave him. I feel very embarrassed at admitting this though.

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