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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Life after redundancy - advice pls

4 replies

lifeinthemidlands · 13/01/2011 09:58

DH was in a profession he had grown to hate for many years. Two years ago he was made redundant and we agreed that I would increase my working hours in order to financially support the family and he would look at other alternatives as he really didn't want another job doing what he had been doing. He would also take on more childcare. Since then he's looked at one option, which has proved not to be possible (for good reasons). Since then he's made no effort to consider paid or unpaid work, and says he has no ideas of what he'd like to do. He certainly doesn't relish the SAHD role and does the bare minimum. Our youngest DC is now PT at nursery but will start school soon.

He's not by nature lazy, and I don't think he's depressed (he's actually probably happier than when he was working). However, I do think he lacks confidence about getting another job, and has a real problem stepping out of his (very narrow) comfort zone. However, I really am not sure how sustainable this is. My job is not particularly secure which worries me - I'm worried the longer he is out of the job market (either paid or unpaid) the more difficult it will be to find anything and the whole onus on earning is now mine. However more to the point I just don't see it as healthy. He doesn't do anything in the community or have friends he meets up with (as many SAHM would) and another 20 years of this just seems soul destroying (for him and me). Any suggestions for potential areas of training / work or voluntary activities are met with a negative response.
I've tried talking to him and he really doesn't want to talk about it. Any suggestions of how to approach him?

OP posts:
pippop1 · 13/01/2011 16:59

Is there anyone else he would listen to? Parents? Family friend? Wise older relation? They might be able to get through to him.

If you can think of someone (and of course you shouldn't really go behind his back but needs must) that he respects that might help, you could ask them to approach him (maybe take him out for a drink/meal).

biryani · 13/01/2011 18:48

I was made redundant myself years ago, when I was DC-free, and I thought my world had come to an end. Perhaps his sense of identity is so bound up with work that he simply cannot see his way out of his situation? Or could he be just enjoying the rest from paid work? Two years is a long time to be out of the workplace and he really should be doing something proactive to enhance his prospects, particularly given your worries about your own job. Could he do a course perhaps, something viaOpen University or online that he could combine with his SAHD duties?

lifeinthemidlands · 13/01/2011 20:08

Thanks for your replies. I could consider talking to his Dad, but don't want to be seen to be "getting at him" and not sure how he would approach it. I agree Biryani, it's all tied up with his indetity, an that's another worry. Have suggested training (we could arrange childcare if necessary) and he's said there's nothing he is interested in enough to "start again".

OP posts:
biryani · 13/01/2011 20:23

Has he tried the Careers Service? I've found them very helpful-worth a try? Seems to me that there's very little help available for those who are out of work but not claming benefit. Good luck anyway.

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