Long-ish sorry, FIL behaviour, DH support?

[luciadilammermoor]

Going round & round on this one.

Bit of history needed first.
Married DH 11+ years ago, all fine with both sides of family. Had DD1 in 2004. In 2005, FIL began being difficult (he admits now there was no particular reason, he took offence over a misunderstanding & then held a grudge) whenever we saw each other.

This showed itself by belligerent, stroppy behaviour, with some ignoring & sulking thrown in, directed at me & DH, but blood being thicker than water, mostly at me. We had a couple of clashes but nothing major.

Then we come to 2008 when during a weekend visit at our house, FIL is particularly difficult & he ends up shouting at me as I pretty much told him to stop playing with our DD2 (then 18mths old) & the front door.

Big over reaction, emotional blackmail ?shall I just go home then??, shouting etc. I told him this was an over reaction but wasn?t about to go back on what I?d said. He sulked for 24 hours before leaving to go home with MIL. No communication with me or goodbyes then.

For me this is the line in the sand. Plus I lost a baby by miscarriage 2 weeks later & his stupidity & rudeness just didn?t seem important. I said to DH that unless FIL acknowledged his rudeness/unreasonableness, then as far as I was concerned, I had had enough.

And so it was left. DH took DD1 to visit them in 2009 & both DDs in 2010 (they live abroad). We have DS in 2010. I receive a letter from FIL in Dec 2010 telling me that although it was my fault that the family rift exists, I should meet with him to set up a mutually respectful & polite relationship for the sake of MIL & DH. DH knew nothing of the letter & has been supportive of me (and unimpressed with FIL?s general behaviour) throughout this time, while maintaining a relationship with his parents. Let?s say I am unreceptive to the letter!

I agree to DH taking the children about twice a year to see them. Since Christmas he is pushing for me to agree to dates in the year when PIL can come over here to see the children & DH for the day ? not at home but obviously, I am not being asked to be there. FIL has not met DS yet.

As far as I can see, FIL has what he wants, regular visits to & from DH & children without my presence or input. Am I wrong to be utterly disappointed in DH continuing to organise & push for these visits and demanding to take the children for days or weekends?

I feel completely unsupported now by DH & that FIL?s bad behaviour is being rewarded by DH?s actions. Should I expect more from my DH? Am I being selfish/vindictive in resenting this?

thanks if you got this far!

Your FIL sounds annoying, but your DH is reasonable in wanting to have a relationship with his parents and to encourage your children to have a relationship with their grandparents.

FIL has suggested a 'mutually respectful and polite relationship' and you're planning not to tell your DH and continue holding a grudge about being shouted at two years ago?

I do think you're being rather vindictive, I'm afraid.

OK, perhaps I was unclear. DH knows of the letter but didn't know it was coming IYSWIM?

He too is disgusted by his F's actions but wants to maintain a relationship with them - fair enough, his choice. Same for children really although I didn't want to make the post above any longer than it was already was so pared it down to the essentials of the situation. There is more detail but I don't want to be more open on this forum.

I'm not prepared to take the blame for the rift existing in the first place & FIL's idea of a mutually respectful relationship didn't work the first time round (he has known me for about 16 years now) so I am healthily sceptical of success in the future. Letter included a heavy dose of emotional blackmail re children, who he has been less than interested in up until now.

I'm resentful of FIL getting what he wants, i.e. me out of the picture while I have to spend regular weekend days without my family, just to maintain this relationship?

Perhaps I am being unreasonable on this, I suppose I am in relation to the connections between my DH & ths DCs (although I am not banning contact). I guess I posted here to get reactions & I accept yours. I really do feel down about this though, I feel as if I have no control over my DCs access to this unpleasant man & no support from my DH about the way I was treated over a long period of time.

I think it sounds like the current situation is the best it could be really - you don't have to deal with your FIL directly, your dh gets to maintain a relationship with his family which is important, and you get WEEKENDS TO YOURSELF?? I would love that!!! I do understand how it would annoy you seriously that FIL gets to spend time with your kids, but they'll get old enough to decide for themselves if they want to go, and if he's that bad then they won't. If he's actually ok with them, then they will, and you may have to accept that.

My mother is a PITA and my dh could quite happily do without ever seeing her and I AGREE WITH HIM but I still want to have some sort of relationship with her, and he respects that and basically is civil to her. I try to minimise the time they spend together so it's not too stressful, and it just sort of works, usually. I would be upset if he wanted me to stop taking our kids to see her.

What kind of support are you expecting from your dh? Do you want him to cut off from his father? Cos that's unreasonable. Do you want him to just say he understands? Because I'm sure he would...

Maybe if you gave it a try at seeing him and trying to get along, and it really did fail, you would have ample reason to just say to your dh, really I can now prove that this doesn't work. If you don't try then you wont' know.

He sounds like a drama queen and hence will never blame himself for the rift and will always blame you which is infuriating, but if you can show that you can forget it, maybe he will?