Thankyou for your good wishes

[gravity]

to Maturer,Mrsmiggins,granerybeck and all of you guys who messgaed me the other week when my dad had a massive heart attack. that was on monday, he passed away on wed night. it was hard, but he was coherant when i flew in and i got to say to him everyting i needed and wanted to. on wed night i was there when it happened. the hardest thing though was to tell him on tues afternoon it was ok to go - that he didnt need to keep fighting (his poor old body was exhausted and his kidneys started shutting down on mon night)

but, i am stronger for this. i think i have regained some the strength of what dh's affair took from me. the funeral was only on monday. returned home last night. dh was an amazing support. feel exhausted but i think i can get life back on track.

but i really want to thank you guys for your messages on the day i was flying out. i had isolated myself in my home office when i found out, all your messages were great. thanks x

Sorry to hear about your dad gravity.

gravity- good to hear from you again but I'm so sorry about your Dad. There is no easy way to move on from the death of a loved one. I am pleased you managed to say all you had to and wish him goodbye.
I suspect your Dad knew nothing of what has happened in your life recently with your dh- however, you said your dh was a huge support, perhaps then some good can come out of the timing of your fathers death. please use this time of grieving to open the channels and communicate with your dh. let him support you and help you grieve for your Dad and for what happened in your relationship.
I know form my own experiences and from what you said a few days ago just how much pain your dh has caused you but perhaps the death of your dad can help you get some perspective on your life.
You still have your dh and he still has you- please make the most of each other.

I've learnt, I love my dh with all my heart and always will. But if its not meant to be, I am strong enough to do this on my own. It would be had initially but i could DO IT. Mind you dh has done something i never have seen him do, and it makes me over the moon happy! he sent my close friend a text message seeking her advice on how he can take my pain away. for him to admit what he had done and what i was going through is such a big step. i am proud of him for that.

oh gravity
so sorry to hear your news
Im going away today for a week so take care and speak when I get back
xxxx

mrs miggins - take care for the week. hope you have nice time x

gravity- it's good you sound so strong now and have been able to see things more clearly. There are no guarantees in life about anything or anyone s0 yes in the end you do have to do it alone. Howevere if you look around you'll see not many people find a special person for them whom they can love with all their mind and soul- warts and all- mistakes and all. You do not have to make major decisions now and given the daeth of your dad i suggest you do not at the moment.I just feel from what you've told us that you and your dh have something very special. I know he's thrown a part of that away and to you feel(as I) it is beyond belief and understanding that he could have done that. I remember reading an article at the time I was trying to decide to walk away or keep going. It was written by a man who'd had an affair, got divorced, remarried etc he was a bit older and reflecting and he basically was saying - you think the grass is greener with someone else but it's not just different. he was saying he wished he'd been kinder and more understanding to his first wife and realised too laye what afool he'd been for throwing away a special relationship fpr a thrill an ego boost. He alos made much of regretting the pain he'd caused to his wife and family. The article touched me and helped me decide to keep at it because by then my dh had woken up to the fool he'd been and constantly now regrets the pain he caused and is still causing me for what he did. I suppose what i'm saying is if you feel it was strong and special before the affair and he is acknowledging the extent of what he's done you do not have to make the decision (yet) to end it all.Marriage (i think we forget these days- society, media etc) takes working at! Only you truely know if it is worth that work so i'm glad you feel strong enough to think about that. take care. speak soon.

Thankyou Maturer. You are a wise wise woman. I love my dh and yes i do need him. I must admit I did not feel so strong today. I sat down on the lounge and sobbed and sobbed. I found a video of my daughter and my dad from 2004 when she first started to walk. She was hanging onto my dad's leg. He was so happy. It hit home how awful it was when I sat with him for three days in hospital. I'll never forget it - it was so bloody awful. he kept begging me to help him. he asked me what did he do to deserve this. it was like i was the parent - our roles reversed. i'll never forget the anguish i felt in being so helpless to be able to help my dad.even though i have lost very loved ones, he was also the first (please excuse the way I describe this) dead person I have actually seen.

i just wanted to hang onto my dh today - he wasn't home but i do need him and i realise that.

i read another thread earlier and meant to respond. are things alright with you? you always have an amazing strength and aura. but were you ok?

gravity
Thanks for your concern I'm fine- just had a bad week (PMT and dh working away)get the odd "blip" day now where it all hits me again and when he's not around to reassure me I can let it get out of proportion ( kind of an anger thing that he's getting on with life as if it never happened and i'm still picking up the pieces). Fortunatley now they are not so frequent and we've had a chance to talk about my feelings and he listens and comforts me as he knows he caused those feelings in the first place. At least when it happens we can talk about it and after i've finished being all upset I feel much better because I think we've worked on it together and taken another tiny step forward together.
As for you- please allow yourself room to grieve> For your dad and for what happened in your marriage because I think it is like a grieving process. Use this chance to lean on your dh and talk - let your emotions out it really does help. You may want to think about some counselling for just you- you've a lot of strong emotions hitting you now and they will open up other things inside you. Don't be afraid to seek help to deal safely with those emotions- that's a strenght not a weakness!
If you have got something so special with your dh please think hard before you give up on that.

the night of dad's funeral my cousins and i were in their backyard. we saw a shooting star.when asked if i made a wish, i wasn't - i was so slow i hadnt. but if i could have it would have been to be happy and hold my family together for the rest of our lives together.

its all we all want, happiness. everyone on these threads. its a funny old world we live in. how strange, i have reached an age where i am still young yet i can reflect on life as if i am much older.

Hey gravity- are you not sleeping or were you just around at 2.30am!!!?
It is a strange world and I , like you have become much more reflective (and - despite the name i'm not that ancient)Infact when my dh affair first happened i posted under a different name. I stopped for a time- then when I went back on i changed it to maturer because after all the pain and dealing with the emotions and all the spin off things from an affair I did feel maturer and had found out alot about myself- that I was strong and capable and honest and If i chose to i could go it alone. however I chose not to and a year or so on I'm so glad I stuck with it because i can see a great future together with my dh. I do not fear it will happen again (I do , in my insecure moments fear she will come back into our lives)I feel he has learned a great deal about himself from the experience and about our relationship. he certainly appreciates more the simple- day to day things of family life and knows how close he came to throwing it all away- just because at that moment in his life he needed to be needed and she- who was very needy was there willing and able so to speak!
He told me about going to watch one of our sons play football and seeing a friends mum and dad (who recently split) standing on opposite sides off the pitch, one with their new partner- he said he nearly cried because he knew how close he'd come to making that him and I!
I feel it's like going on a journey of discovery about yourself- my dh certainly felt that-he discovered what he was looking for was actually what he already had. Now that we've been through that together we both feel stronger to face any problems in the future- together. It is a slow process but gravity do appreciate what you have found with your dh and help him to see the same- I'm sure he will.

Even though my sleep has been broken, no, my time difference is why it says 230am. I am in Australia.
Your dh has really realised. He is lucky before it was too late. I am sure he would never find someone as wonderful as you. I bet he knows that though. I am so glad for you that he see's things the way he does. men seem to look at things so different to us. but what he saw at that football game is how us as women would of. It makes you even more amazing for somehow helping him get to that point. Hugs to you maturer!
I wish I were where you were at. sure of things again. i wish for your strength.
you came back to this site maturer hence the nick name? i'm gravity as i have been knocked off my gravity. funny how we do this.
i feel really lost today. its not even about my dh's affair. i'm lost within myself. he can't fix it, only me. i cant focus or concentrate on anything. i feel returning home to where i just came back from is what i need. but i am scared i will not want to come back to this city. if i had of had the kids with me last week i know i would have stayed longer.
i think i have developed a deep down loathsome feeling toward this city. if it can go wrong it can go wrong here.
i think i need a pair of ruby slippers that i can tap the heels together three times and wish my way into happier times!
PS - is football rugby, soccer or football?

PPS - I never thought you were ancient, just wise

gravity- i see the time thing now where in Aus are you? have friends in melbourne.
The football thing is soccer- I get alot of it in my life even my dd has joined the 2 ds and started playing When they are not playing they are watching and when they are not watching my dh is refereeing! but it keeps them all out of trouble.
Time will heal things gravity provided you keep talking and no secrets. It took my dh quite some time to get to where he is now you know. In fact after he told me he behaved appaulingly really- just i didn't know at the time- he was still seeing her and lying to me when I thought we were putting it right. it kind of took him time to get it out of his system. I suppose it's just as well i didn't know I think i would have snapped. By the time i found out all the facts he was by then back on track and had been for several months. It was about this time last year. you see her dh kindly sent me loads of emails he'd found on her pc which kind of catalogued the relationship. I was so angry amd upset - not so much at the content - I expected all the lovey dovey stuff (after all it was an affair) but the dates - months after he'd told me they were still planning a future together- well if i'm honest she certainly was and he was not discouraging her. I spent a week this time last year deciding wether to ask him to leave. The only reason I didn't was his actions since the email dates the few months after he'd written them he'd got his act together, sought counselling for himself and was truely trying to put it all right with me. had i found the emails at the time they were written we probably wouldn't be here today together!
So gravity the point is- it's still raw for you time will bring more ups and downs and you can come through it. This only happened for us when he started telling the whole truth and no more secrets!
I'm not surprised you are not at peace with yourself . you whole world has been taken from under your feet from 2 angles now (dh and your dad)that's why I urge you to have some counselling just for you honey. I found the affair raised so many questions in me about what sort of a person I was and what I wanted out of life- it shook my self confidence and my belief in- well everything! If you can find your way though that you can come out with a clearer view of your future. Despite my days of doubt- I have certainly learned to view aspects of my life in a totally different way.I don't think i would have managed it without some help. Speak soon- take care- are you eating properly? (i sound ancient now !)

Maturer, I'm in Perth. But originally from a little coastal town down south.
Your advice is so amazing. You have really been on a self learning journey to get where you are. You are amazing.
I tried the counselling when i first found out about dh's fling but it made me sadder
Talking to people, like you, has done me 100 times more than talking to that counsellor. I think I feel its more an experience thing. Knowing that people, like you, have gone through what I am. And there is light at this dark little tunnel. It may be a long way away but I will get there. Fingers crossed.
As for my eating, my weight is up and down like my moods! Was losing my post pregnancy bulge but it has been replaced with the binge I had after having a Mirena Coil done. All i did was eat eat eat. Mind you, my weight isn't something for me to whinge about. I could be lighter but then I remember i've just had two kids. But eating is no problem here!I was eating hospital food for days while i sat with dad. I have never wanted a dose of green vegetables more than when i returned home.
Is all well on your front this week? I hope so. I hate it that all I do is whine whine whine and you give such good advice and I can offer none. x

Hi gravity, how old are the children? Did they know anything of what went on?
I've 3 who are now 9,11,13 and they are great. The good thing is my dh has come through this a much better dad(he was always a good dad anyway I have to say) but I think he sees so much what he nearly lost through his own "selfishness and stupidity" (his words- eventually)
Good if you tried some counselling- it's not for everyone but don't riel it out ib the future if you feel you are stuck and not moving on. It can help you get your head sorted about your emotions. I know exactly what you mean by the sadness. I felt for months after that I had a huge cloud over me - i went throught the swings from angry to overwhelming love for my dh but all through there was this deep deep sadness about what had happened to us and how on earth we got there?
I didn't find MN at first. Infact it was my dh who saw an article in the times and said why don't you go on there as I was desperate to speak to people who'd been in the same situation. You kind of start dounbting your own sanity because you think you should "snap out of it" but it won't go away and then when you find others who say "yes I feel like that etc" you feel so reassured in your own emotions- they are normal and you can get through them. I stopped on MN for a while- one of the things I also discovered was that he'd reccommended the site to HER (not thinking she'd be very interested as she had no kids) turns out she was reading every word- I was furrious at first I felt he'd denied me my only avenue of true expression. the I read back over my threads and realised I didn't care if SHE read them because it was true and honest and sincere- emotions she'd certainly lost sight of! By then i'd also met her and knew I was stronger and knew my dh much more than she could ever- that's why I knew it would come to an end as he'd turned into someome else for a time and just needed me to show him the way back. I can tell you it was a tough route to take at times, especially when I found out more about what had been going on but I was so sure of US. I could not believe in such a short time he'd changed so much as to want to put us behind him. I also felt our 20 years together had never been tested- he wasn't a womaniser or a lier - he'd always been my best friend and i could see he was lost. Infact the most miserable time of his life was the months this was going on- he was tamented.
Trouble is now he's back on track- I'm the taumeneted one! Still sometimes can't believe it happened. So honey don't think your whinging one little bit- it's self help you know . Being able to chat to you and hopefully help you through the dark times helps me too- i get things off my chest too.
Take care.

my babies are ds 4 months (oops closer to 5 months) and dd 2&5 months. they were due on the same day two years apart. wow!
they dont know what has been going on. my ds is too much of a daddy's girl to even realise her daddy had been a shit head!
as for my beautiful dad dying, i think she was a little confused. my dad's brother and his wife stopped over on their way back to melbourne from the funeral. he looks very much like my dad. my dd kept calling him grandad. no matter how much we corrected her. i think she knew it wasnt grandad though.
i am a little slow on abbreviations MN?

gravity - they sound beautiful! I'm glad they are too young to know what's happening. let's hope your dh can put things right before they are old enough to realise.
How is he behaving now? Is he trying to put things right? Are you able to talk to him?

by the wat sorry MN = mumsnet

he is behaving alot better.

he actually opened up to one of our close friends, admitted what a horrible thing he did by breaking my heart, he also told her he didn't know how much more hurt this year i could take.

we both flew to when we went to my hometown. but then we brought dad's car back to the city when we returned. it was 10 1/2 hours confined in a vehicle together. i must admit i talked most. i gave him the option out during that time. he says he really wants to be here.

he sees a change in me. like i've said before though, its beause i feel a little lost at the moment. i get angry at him easily, at the moment, which isnt fair.

at the moment it is only when i look at my ds that i feel true happiness.

sometimes there is just too much going on in my life - too many openings for things to go wrong. our business is in that line of things. so you know. i would like a simple happy life. do they exist?

must change subject, makes me sad

have you ever been to aus?

duh! stupid me. of course MN is mumsnet. he recommended it to HER! what goes through there little brains at times. GRRRRRR!

No never been gravity but been trying to get there in the last few years- dh losiing job finances stopped us when we were palnning!
i have a really good friend there who used to live down the road. She emmegrated 4 years ago- has actually just been back for a visit- so one day we'll make it.
Take pleasure in your children- they kepy me going . i look at them and think howfantastic it is we made them together and we've always seen eye to eye on parenting them. they are lovely kids- don't give us much trouble (although teen years starting!!?)just give us both pleasure and remind us why we keep going.

the teenage years! poor you! reflect! just think what we got up to when we were teenagers!
your right. together, even if they are dumb at times, we created beautiful little people. there is no greater gift.
my two are why i havent left, plus my big stupid heart!