So full of sadness and guilt, not coping well

[Iamoptimusprime]

I left my husband 5 months ago and moved to another house. We have 2 dc together but I have totally fallen out of love with him and have felt like that for a while and I have been much happier since being on my own. He is totally gutted and we had a big discussion about it the other night.

He still believes there is still hope and with work I can fall in love again so he wants me to go to a counsellor over 2hrs away as he believes he is the best person to see. I don?t think it will make any difference and I just feel a huge amount of guilt and sadness.

I wrestle with the guilt of taking his children away and splitting the family up every day but I still don?t love him or miss him or can see a way of being with him again. How the hell do I get through this??

I don?t think I have ever felt this sad and
want it all to go away and feel like I can?t cope with the enormity of my decision and the huge emotional impact it has had on him. But even with all these feelings I still don?t actually want to be with him.

I need help me, I feel like I?m drowning

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I'm hope someone better qualified will come and post on your thread soon.

It is always distressing to go through a relationship break up, especially when children are involved. For everyone's sake though, stick to your guns. You can't go back and pretend to be in love. It will damage everyone involved more in the long run. Perhaps going to see this counsellor and saying how you feel will help him to realise the difficult truth and then he can start rebuilding his life.

Try to holld onto the fact that this is the right decision and that the alternative is much worse..that will help you through the enormity.

Don't do the councelling out of guilt...only do it if you want to. You will just prolong the pain with false hope.

Are there friends and family in RL who can help you? You need a good big shoulder to cry on. This may be the right decision but that doesn't mean it comes easily.

Finally..well done for your bravery and guts! You will reach ahppier times, I promise

Don't feel guilty, there's no point in staying together if you are unhappy - bad for you and ultimately bad for DCs.
Presumably you haven't taken his DC away? He still sees them?
It might be harder for him to get as much time with them but they are surely worth his effort?
If he wants to go to a counsellor he can go on his own and it might help him to come to terms with the split. If you don't want to go then don't. It won't work when you've got very different objectives anyway.
(I know loads of posters on here advocate Relate but my experience of it was truly dreadful so I don't think counselling for couples is always a good thing).
Try to accept you are feeling sad (you'd be robotic not to) and be kind to yourself and give yourself time and peace to heal. It can be overwhelming at first I think but try to focus on just little things and take it a day at a time for a bit.

Thanks for your replies and reassuring words.

I do have a few people in rl I have spoken to but it is funny how they think I should be happy as I have done the leaving.

I know there is no easy way through this and am the sort of person who feels very responsible for others and tend to appease (part of how I became so unhappy in marriage)so I will keep plodding along.

pickgo posted before I read your message.

He sees them every other weekend plus he has them 2 nights a week so it is only ever 2 days that he doesn't see them and I have said he can come and see them whenever he likes. We have also tried to spend family time together but I think this is more confusing for the dc.

We tried relate when I first dropped the bombshell and he thought the woman was useless hence wanting to see someone of his choice.

on the other hand the counselling might help him come to terms with the end of your marriage. TBH, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be very very upset if my spouse refused to go to counselling. I think it might help.

I agree with ASLM. Even though you know ther is no hope, it might help clarify things for him, and the counsellor will see your postion very quickly and be able to help DH move on. It will be a bit crap for you, obviously, but it would be a good thing to out of respect for him.

I am in a very similar situation, it is bloody hard.

I know there is no easy way through this and am the sort of person who feels very responsible for others and tend to appease (part of how I became so unhappy in marriage)so I will keep plodding along.
Given that you recognise this about yourself I would think it is definitely the wrong choice to go to counselling it you don't want to, as the 2 other posters are suggesting.
I suspect that if you've already been and he thought the counsellor was no good it's probably because you are not 'fixed' ie you still don't want to resurrect the relationship - which is why I don't think you should go.
If you go he may see it as a signal that you are prepared to try to get together again; or even worse, the counsellor might - in which case it will be a nightmare for you and you will be forced to either go along with it then disappoint him again Or spell - it - out and hurt him a great deal more.
I think the kindest thing for both of you is to leave him to go to counselling to work on accepting the split alone.

I'm not against counselling at all as I agree that it would help us move forward and hopefully give him answers but I really don't believe it will change how I truely feel. My problem is with going to see someone 2hrs away which would mean taking dc out of school, huge expense and I don't actually have anyone to look after the kids.

I am going to look for someone close to us. I am also scared of counselling as it means I will have to say hurtful things and upset him and it is all my fault. This is obviously quite stupid too as I have already totally hurt him and how can it get worse really.

Sorry probably not making much sense

pickgo that is my fear that I will just get talked into whatever he wants. I get the impression he thinks the counseller he wants to see is the saviour of all relationships.

Yes I bet that's what he's got in the back of his mind - he's hoping counselling will make you change your mind.
If you don't want to be subjected to 'let's explore for a moment if/how/why you might change your mind' etc. then don't go.
IME people who don't want to accept a relationship is over (after 5 months, and presumably more) are not so bothered about the relationship per se but more about their own feelings iyswim. Rationally it's obvious that if one person in a relationship says it's over then it really is over. You can't have a relationship with only one person in it can you?
Don't let yourself get talked into doing something if your instinct is that it's going to just put you through more heartache (and him in the long run). Be cruel to be kind.

One other thing Iamop, it can't really be all your fault can it? Relationships take two.
Sorry another thing - if you think 'family time' is confusing your DCs, again I would say don't do it yet.
Maybe in time the DCs might enjoy it but I always think DCs have absolutely amazing radar for this sort of thing and are NEVER fooled. They will know if you are uncomfortable and that will undo any beneficial effect.
Hope this is helpful and not hectoring

Hello Iamoptimusprime

I did it too. I left in September because after 28 years I admitted I didn't love my DH and pretending and suppressing my real feelings was turning me into a bad tempered abusive person. Along the way I had become numb and hardened and stopped feeling anything except anger.

Trying to talk about how I really felt was almost impossible because firstly I was in deniala nd refusing to admit it to myself and seconsly when I did adit the truth my DH was so hurt I had to try to reassure him and ended up negating what I was saying.

It took 9 months of Relate (useless) and a private therapist before I summoned the courage and resolve to move out. My DC are late teens so I left them with DH in their own rooms with their own stuff. They come round for meals and sleep over and they seem to be coping.

DH is still hurt and sad and still wants me to try again. I am hugely relieved to be on my own. I have been to a therapist of my own for 18 months now and can feel sorrow, anxiety, guilt and shame and finally fleeting happiness and optimism and hope. Sometimes all of these in one day! It has been a roller coaster ride.

It takes two to damage a marriage and two to share the responsibility. My DH would like to blame me and I easily accept the blame but I can see that I am NOT responsible for everybody elses hurt and sadness.

If you are like me you have to hang on to that little voice of certainty that says "I cannot go back without compromising myself". "I don't want to sleep with him ever again". "I am not going to pretend to anything I don't feel".

Be kind to yourself. You are only wanting to be happy. That is not a crime. It is okay to grieve your lost marriage. But it will get better inn time and you will both be happy again one day.

Sorry for the essay but I have been there too! Sending hugs

Also my DH tries to use the DC to pressure me into trying again. He alludes to their distress and the damage I have done to them.

They sit in my kitchen laughing and chattering and deny any distress apart from the obvious sorrow at the family breaking up. And that he is needing their emotional support because I am not providing it (major reason for break up).

He is also working his way round my friends trying to enlist their support and approval. I don't think he can bear that they might be supportive of me.

Hope this helps. If your DH is needy and emotional then it would be kinder to withdraw and let him find his feet than to provide comfort which just prolongs the agony. Really!!

Thank you so much nonames and pickgo you really have helped put things in perspective a bit. It is so easy to take all responsibility and beat myself up.

Nonames you are spot on, I have a little voice that thinks exactly as yours does and I know I cannot go back without compromising myself.

Although I am having a rough time at the mo I have been much more settled on my own, like a weight has been lifted in some respects and i used to feel nervous quite a lot when I was with him but that seems to have gone too.

I do know I have to face this head on in order to move on, it's just finding the strength to do so!

You don't have to face it all at once though, you can just deal with a little bit at a time and that is fine.

If you break down exactly what you mean by "facing this in order to move on" then what would you have to do?

Look into your legal/financial position
Get a solicitor
Look on CSA website
Sort out separate bank accounts
tell school you have split up
See you could make a list and tick them off one at a time.

Sometimes it feels like groundhog day here, I have the same conversation with DH and he gets hurt and upset all over again and goes back to the beginning.

But slowly things are clarifying and we are dealing with the difficult bits.

Be kind to yourself. It is not a crime to leave a realtionship!

Hi optimusprime (love the name )

I just wanted to say, when I decided to break up with my DD's father, my ex and his family, particularly his mother, kept pushing me to go to counselling. His mother even told me that ex's father had cheated on him once and they went through counselling together to get past it. I was a little shocked she would share something so personal with me, so knew she was desperate for us to get back together. However, I stood my ground and said no, because like you, I knew I didn't love him or want to be with him.

The guilt does go away. It helps if you have friends or family that you can talk to in RL about your feelings, or if not there's always here! I know MN has helped me through really difficult times in my past :) Just focus on how happy you are right now. Your DC still see him regularly, which is a good thing. And also if you're happier, I'm sure your DC will be happier too.

My feeling is if you have felt love for someone before then what is the harm in having counselling to see if things can be improved for the future. You have a few hours to lose, you both might gain something good (not necessarily back in love and together but a friendship and your husband's acceptance that things are over.)

We have dealt with all the practical side of things, money, school, csa etc but I think it is the emotional that has to be worked on in order to move on.

Wow optimus I am impressed how much you have achieved already. I am so squeamish about upsetting DH I am unable to have those conversations re money etc.

Actually you don't have to have the emotional conversations. You don't have to talk to him or spend time with him except as a co-parent.

Anyone else who says you should is irrelevant. It is what you want that counts.

Iamoptimusprime - I would go with him to the counsellor of his choice. If he has chosen them then hopefully it will help him come to terms with your decision, otherwise he will always wonder what would have happened if only you had gone to see this wonderful person.

See it as a way of helping him through the hurt and not as something you are doing to have your mind changed.

It's hard even when you are the one who has made the decision - it's still not what you wanted, what you wanted was to be happy in the relationship but you weren't, so you took the next best option. It's not an automatic ticket to immediate happiness and anyone telling you it is has clearly very little experience of it.

I agree with IAmReallyFabNow, and would like to add that this is another example of the double-standards of MumsNet. Every time a woman comes here complaining that her DH has left and refuses to go to counseling, most posters rush to call the DH "selfish", "a prick", and someone that "does not want to fight for his marriage".

Iamoptimusprime, unless there has been abuse or violence in the relationship (in which case I would just shut up), your DH is rightfully appalled with the possibility of losing you and his children. You vowed to stay with him in good and bad, in sickness and in health, when you married him, and I do believe he has the right to try for a last chance. If you are 100% convinced you won't be coming back with him, at least give him the chance to go counseling together and learn from his mistakes. It will help him move on.

I completely disagree. At no point has anyone badmouthed the op's dh. This isn't another example of double standards. In fact, and correct me if I am wrong op, sounds to me like you are almost thinking too much about your dh. There must be reasons why you have fallen out of love with him. Do you think counselling would be a good chance to help him to see them. I am not sure it is your responsibility to help him learn from his mistakes. Agreed I think he needs to know why you don't love him anymore, and counselling will be good for that.

You have a responsibility to be honest with him, but you also have to be honest with yourself. Don't decide to do something out of guilt. That will only make you more angry. There is no right or wrong in this.