were your parents unhappy?

[Spandangle]

hiya. i am trying to compare too unideal domestic situaations to work out what is best for my kids. i would be really grateful if you would share your experiences...
were your parents in an unhappy marriage when you were a child but they stayed together for the sake of the children?

how did this effect you then and how has it effected your life?

yes, my parents were in a bad relationship

I would have preferred that they split

I used to hope that they would as a child

my father was emotionally and mentally abusive to my mother, and latterly, to me and my sibs

they should have split

they did once...I was devastated when he wheedled his way back in

they are still together... and he still treats her like shit after 45 years of marriage

I have seen your other thread

you do realise don't you, that people are going to post their own experiences and have no real understanding of yours?

I am not going to detail how living with my father all through my childhood, and seeing my mother stand by helplessly has affected my life

you won't want to hear it

thanks for your replies AF - i do realise people will only post THEIR experiences...that is all they can post.

i do want to hear it, or i wouldnt have asked but not if it is uncomfortable for you.

no really, you don't

it isn't pretty

anyway, you will get lots more replies than just mine

good luck x

yes i think tehy were unhappy, but being strict catholic my mum wouldn't leave and beinga lazt man and knowing which side his bread was buttered my dad wouldn't leave. well tbh he had no reason to leave, he was on the pigs back. it was my mum that was the stresshead because she did so much for everyone.

Interesting question! My parents were (seemingly) happy until I was around 12 when my mother discovered his infidelities. Then they both seemed to be miserable for about the next 10 years. Every now and then he would leave but then feel guilty and come back again while my mother dithered about the whole situation (this was in the 70s80s so different attitudes towards divorce then). After what seemed like an endless mid-life crisis for both of them they finally got their act together (when we had mostly left home!!) and spent the next 20+ years of their lives together, mainly happily.

Pros: Never had to put up with step-parents, step-siblings, going to different houses etc etc. Theoretically had both parents around supporting us together (except my father was fairly chauvenistic). Didn't have to go through emotional/financial and other hassles of divorce. When they had grandchildren, there is still the family house for them etc.

Cons: Witnessing parents put up with a charade of a relationship for about 10 years, partly to 'keep up appearances'. Watching my mother being a doormat; seeing my father get away with being a misogynistic idiot. My mother never had the opportunity (or elected not to) have other relationships, whereas my father did (with his affairs).

I don't think it is good to stay in an unhappy marriage though, unless you can see the potential for the marriage to improve. However, I can also see that divorce and step-parents is not a great scenario for children either.

and yes it has affected me. i will never be with a man like my dad. i just wish my mum had been as strong at 19 and felt she could walk away.

My parents were not happy together when I was growing up and regularly used to sit us down for a 'family talk' when they would tell us they were splitting up. We would get upset and just as I would think I'd got my head around it, it never happened. They would then say that they would stay together untill we got a bit older. After doing this several times we never knew where we stood. They are still together even though we're all grown up and moved out! Don't think either one ever had the guts to leave the other.
They weren't abusive to us or each other but they were / are not happy.
I can't really say if it would've been better if they had split up or not. It wasn't easy but we all kind of learnt to live with it.
I think you just need to do what you feel is best for all of you. Good Luck

I realise that I can't exactly answer what you are asking, as you want to know about two-parent situations, but in the spirit of showing you that there are lots of ways of being happy . . .

I grew up without a father around at all - just my mum and I. Although the absence of a father made me sad sometimes, I concluded at a young age from talking to other kids at school that I would much rather be with just my mum and have our happy life than live with parents who didn't get on - it sounded so miserable.

I had a really happy, secure childhood and a great relationship with my mum. Just because I didn't fit into society's picture of what the ideal family is, it didn't mean I was worse off than other kids I knew. I found out that I had it harder than some people and easier than others.

I think children have great capacity for understanding and insight. Whatever you decide to do in your situation, what will make the biggest difference is how you help and support your children, and explain things to them.

Having a mother who is a reassuring, open and happy person will be one of the best things you can do for them.

mine were unhappy together, my dad emotionally bullied and abused my mum, had a vile temper, and physically threatened her to the extent that i lived in constant terror of his rages. I think it's that that I felt affected me most into adulthood - the disliking of each other wasn't such an issue, i just thought - you idiots, why do you spend time together if you hate each other so much? and i left home at 17. they never split up, but continued making each other miserable until they died. they were heavily reliant on us kids visiting them for fun times.

i don't wish they had split, as i would have felt too sorry for them both trying to live alone. too traditional to manage. but i wish they'd never had us, so that we weren't involved in their mess.

My parents have mostly been happy, I think. They say they have, but acknowledge that they often have very big arguments, which used to make me wish that either they'd just split up, or stop arguing. Obviously real life isn't that simple, but that was my childish perspective.

My dad is like me, only I'm a little less rough around the edges: he likes to have a rant when he's wound up, then after he's said his piece, he's okay again. Me & my dad can go toe to toe, but be hugging 5 minutes later with no hard feelings.

My mum is the opposite, & in fact more like my sister (although my sister doesn't enjoy that comparison ), in that she seethes so as to not rock the boat, & begins to harbour resentment. Often, my dad shouting will upset her & she'll be upset & distant with him for several days. This in turn enrages my dad, as he thinks that it should all be over by a certain point.

I also have had some rather uncomfortable discussions with each of them about their sex life - my dad works in a very testosterone-fuelled environment (actually hugely prone to infidelity - WWIFN would see it as a huge lifestyle vulnerability, but I truly believe that my dad has never strayed, for a number of reasons) & would happily have sex several times a day. My mum has a low sex drive anyway, I think, & combined with any annoyance with my dad, means that there's a large discrepancy. That's the main bone of contention within the marriage. (Hours of fun, those conversations )

In some ways, I think that they were stupid to marry. They were very young & had not lived together beforehand (mostly because my dad worked away), so things like the sex drive incompatibility never came to light until it was too late. They were also the first 'proper' relationship for each other (sex included) & I wonder if perhaps they settled. But then I can't imagine that they'd be happier apart, although there are aspects of their lives which would be better if they separated, I think. Despite all of that, they are still very much in love.

It affected me most by making me believe that getting married & having a family young was a risk with good odds. That did not pay off for me. I also, as I say, often wished that they'd just decide what they were going to do & stick to it. I usually thought that they'd split. & I have since had several conversations with each of them about how they're getting older & the idea of time passing is a motivating factor in wanting to leave with every big argument. I still don't know 100% if they'll last the course. My sister will move out this summer, so we'll see, I suppose.

I've not yet read your original thread & I'm not sure if my parents' relationship has any bearing on your own. I suppose my point is that it's not clear cut. & even if things are generally okay, it can still be fairly traumatic for the children. & judging by AF's responses on this thread & the fact that you're posting, your marriage is probably a lot worse than my parents'.

My parents were horribly unhappy.

What I learned from them, was that relationships weren't supposed to be happy. When I was in an unhappy relationship, it felt normal to me. Because unhappiness was normal. I didn't want to be unhappy, but I expected to be and what I now realise is that most people get what they expect, not what they want. If you're lucky, what you want and what you expect, will be the same thing. If you have unhappy parents, it may well not be.

Yes, my parents were unhappy. My Mum left my dad (and my brother and I) for his best friend when I was 11. When I split up with ds1's dad I made certain that on no account would I ever have my left my child. But I definitely wasn't going to stay in a terrible relationship for his sake either.
Have since gone on to have a very happy, stable relationship (and 2 more dcs).

My parents weren't happy and they still aren't.

They have seperated and then had a reconciliation, this was 7 years ago, they have been married almost 45 years They didn't behave any differently when apart but did seem happier though.

Unusually (well looking at the other posts here at least) I see the main fault with my mother

It has had a profound effect on me (and my siblings), I feel I cannot go to my mother for advice and support because I don't like her very much and nor to my father as I don't trust his judgement

I wish I could be more positive about them sometimes, but i see them both as rather weak and stubborn at the same time. Too weak to change but too stubborn to admit it.

Yep my parents were and are still unhappy. Dad has the patience of a saint (or maybe just a pushover to keep the peace, although even he's tired of it now) and Mum has narcisstic tendencies.

It has affected me - I remember daydreaming about relationships as a teenager, but having an argument, because that's what I thought relationships were. It's only starting to hit me since I've joined MN that actually some people really enjoy their marriages.

Needless to say, I'm not married. It hasn't looked appealing until very recently.

Do I wish they'd split up? I wish they were separated now, just don't know when I wanted it to happen.

RespectTheDoughnut, I though it was just my own parents that discussed their sex life infront of the kids.

My parents stayed together because my father loved my mother, worshipped the ground she walked on. He still does, tis terribly sweet. My mother despises my father for what she perceives as weakness and rarely misses an opportunity to voice her disdain. Money today, his hobbies yesterday, he talks too much, he eats too much, he drinks too much, he is untidy.............

My mother had an affair while my father worked abroad. I was three years old and to this day, my father asks me questions about it. My mother stayed with my father because the OM was unwilling to rock the boat and leave his marriage.

I love my parents, my mother is great to me, we are very close. She even listens sometimes when I tell her to be more reasonable and show some kindness towards father, peace settles for a while.

I am glad they stayed together for me (at least I only have one lot of shopping and h/work because they are in one place!) although I am sad that my mother has been so unhappy (mainly lack of money, having been used to finer things)In his way I think my father is happy because he is devoted to her.

Actually now I think about it, if Dad could have left Mum without guilt (and Mum without then playing the victim and blaming him for everything that has ever and will ever go wrong in her life) then I wish they'd split.

Mine were unhappy and argued a lot in front of me and my siblings. My dad left when I was 7 and my mum took her anger out on me. My dad never bothered much with us after that, other than the odd trip to the cinema about 4 times a year.

When I was with DD's father, I stayed with him because I didn't want DD growing up without her father like I did. But I was unhappy and didn't love him, and realised that DD would be unhappy if I was. And also my dad just couldn't be bothered and that was his loss. Unfortunately, my ex has turned out to be just like my dad. I had counselling which really helped me see my parents in a different light and deal with past pain.

My parents stayed together unhappily until my father started earning less and my mother found another man.

So then we had to deal with the affair, the deceit and the "don't tell daddy", and then the history-changing and false allegations about my father because her self-image as saint and martyr was more important than anything on earth. And we children were supposed to look after her and comfort her because it was so stressful for her, poor lamb, to have an affair and move house.

Oh yeh, and we should to be grateful because she did it all for us. She stayed with my father for us, she left my father for us, she had the affair for us (to get us a "proper father", doncha know). I haven't yet heard she's marrying her current boyfriend for us, but she did write telling me I was the reason for her seeking Catholic annulment of her and my father's marriage (because I've cut off from her. Riiight).

I've been crying in the night about it just this week, because the ramifications of her lies to my father's family continue to affect their relationship with him 20 yrs on: he was the honourable, don't-wash-it-in-public sort, so got completely screwed. And if I don't play along with her Official Story I get reprimanded by relatives for "undermining" her.

My parents were unhappy and divorced when I was five. Both remarried; and they've been great friends ever since. I have a fond memory of my father, step-mother and mother all sitting in my kitchen singing Christmas songs one year.

It's so, so much easier for a kid if their parents can be amicable if they have split. I really appreciate my parents' being like that.

I wish my parents had not stayed together "for the sake of the children" I'd have had two happy parents and a better idea of normal relationships if they had separated earlier.

My parents were unhappy and split and got back together over and over again. I hated it when she took him back and I was happiest when they were separated.

Two happy separated parents are better than together and arguing ones, IMO.

I'm furious that my parents didn't split until I went to University. What a waste of time. They were so unhappy it was a joke and I had no respect for them, I was embarrassed for them. They spent so much time in their pathetic wars they didn't teach me a single useful thing. Except for how not to live your life. Actually, thats been quite a useful thing really!

My parents had an awful marriage. It was horrendous. I desperately wished they would get divorced.
Whenever I asked my mum why she stayed with him I always got the same response "I love him & I don't want my kids being raised in a broken home". Then she killed herself.
20years later I still need help with it.
The damage parents can do by staying together "for the kids" has far reaching effects that even they may not realise.