did your parents divorce?

[Spandangle]

i am trying to work out what is best for my kids..i would be really grateful if you could share your experiences with me. did your parents divorce or seperate when you was a child? what age were you? how did you feel about that then? how do you feel about that now? how has it affected your life?

My parents separated when I was 13. At the time I was devastated but the houses was lovely with no arguing parents. I bounced back very quickly and am very close to my mum (who I lived with). I have an amicable relationship with my dad but don't see him very often, never visit the house, etc.

The split was not amicable as my dad left for someone else (still with her 30 years later) and I have absolutely no relationship with her at all due to the fact that my mum would be devastated.

Mum and I struggled financially as my dad only paid maintenance for a few months but I don't have any bad memories.

I agree with Wigeon that it is really down to how things are managed and how civil you can be with each other - my parents didn't even speak at my wedding.

Wigeon - my daughters are 8 weeks old and 6 years. I feel so so so guilty for putting them in this position. i should never have married their dad and dont know why i did. I wasnt particularly young and my parents and grandparents all had happy marriages. i had no idea how bad a relationship could get.

i am so grateful for all your posts, it has been a real eye opener for me. it really seems that 'staying together for the kids' is a total delusion!

I was a teenager. Unlike in my marriage when I was with exh, my parents fought and fought and fought, and it was all HIGH NEGATIVE DRAMA. I was glad as hell when he left thinking that life would be great. Well after a year of HELL from both of them being shits and taking it out on me, and their anger and their other issues, it was easier and better when they were together. Then there was all the crap with Mother who we lived with not being interested in us, and having no time for us, it was all about her, so we were pretty much orphaned. Father then was in and out of pyschiatric hospitals after they split as well for a few years, so about 5 years after they divorced I would say it was ok, so in my case it would have been better if they had stayed together less traumatic, or at least have waited until we were adults, as they messed up my childhood with their divorce reactions.

Just to add, when my exh left, I made a point of not orphaning my children by staying at home and not running after men, I wanted them to feel secure, sadly exh had other idea's when it came to putting them through crap, that was his stuff not mine so I can hold my head up on that side of things, I was a useless Mum emotionally to my kids at times due to stress from dealings with exh and will forever guilty for failing them in that way.

i think we will handle seperation/divorce quite well. it has dawned on me that we are in fact already seperated! but living in the same house! we do very little together, and i have definitely emotionally withdrawn from him. i would never bad-mouth him to the kids.

i dont know what he would be like...we have talked about seperating in the past...he says he wants to see the kids all the time but he didnt seem to want to commit to a regular arrangement and wanted to turn up when he felt like it!!! i'm not sure if he would bad mouth me or not...

i have this little fluffy idea that after an initial period of licking our wounds and feeling angry with each other that we would be able to spend xmases together for the kids and even go on holidays together???? is this idea ridiculous? is it more confusing for the kids?

in short - i know that i can provide a stable and happy home for the kids on my own and i feel very strongly about not having another partner so there are no potential step-parent issues on my side. i have no idea how my husband will behave after he has left, but i have high hopes

lol- sorry!!! i need counselling dont I??!

Spandangle, I can't think of anyone who has thought of seperating and not had the same idea's of you, yet there are so many acromonious divorces out there, who would plan a nasty divorce especailly with kids.

He will find someone else, men do and quickly, she won't want him doing xmas with you this year, or any other, she will probably want kids with him and want him to spend xmas with her, and he will have your kids every 2nd year for xmas that is the reality.

Mine separated when I was 20 and at uni. I relate to what Wigeon was saying, that it was less the split that was upsetting than how it was handled.

Bad:

Mum told me and my older brother about six months before she left that she was seeing someone else, but didn't tell my younger brother (he was about 16). So both of the older sibs had to shoulder the dilemma of which parent we stitch up by either saying something or not saying something. And younger sib had to come to terms with having been 'excluded'. Not nice.

Better:

Mum comes clean to everyone at once.

Bad:

Mum abruptly announces she is leaving, puts some things in the car and buggers off while older sibs are both away travelling. Younger brother is left as sole caretaker of a sobbing incapacitated drunk.

Better:

Mum confonts the issue (she's unhappy and has been for years, Dad is an alcoholic, she has met someone else and is leaving with him) to everyone, we cope with the shock and pull together as a team.

Personally I wish she had left sooner. I grew up with unhappy parents, one of whom would regularly drink a bottle of Scotch a night and fall snoring onto the kitchen floor. I believed for a long time that my conditioning was irreversible and that no matter what I did I'd never be able to have a happy relationship myself.

It took me ten years and a lot of therapy to get to the point where I could have faith that I'd not just end up in the same predicament, and hence stopped avoiding relationships and allowed myself to be open to love and thinking about long-term commitments myself.

As a footnote, both my parents are now remarried. Dad no longer drinks. Stepmother can be a PITA, as she seems very threatened by Dad's children and has thrown some hardcore tantrums in the past. But on the whole everyone is now much, much happier. IMO the bottom line is that divorce with children involved is a big shit sandwich, and everyone has to take a bite. It's going to be like that whether you do it sooner or later.

Each situation is different though. You sound as though you are really trying to work out what's for the best. Good luck in making your decision.

I think you will do just fine as a post divorce Mum, it is your choice and you are not doing it suddenly, without thought and in anger, or with mental health issues by the sounds of it. Counselling would not do any harm, if you feel better doing it that way. Parent line are great also to chat to from time to time.

With regards to your exh how you treat him during this time is quite important as it is not his choice and may come as a shock. Try not to let him feel that he will loose the children.

My parents stayed civil in front of us and we had a quite a lot of family Christmases and holidays together. I have since found out that a lot of the civility was an act. While I don't like the whole "staying together for the kids" act, I think the "staying civil for the kids" act is very much to be encouraged, but the family Christmases and holidays aren't necessary. We enjoyed our Christmases and holidays with just our mum or dad too.

One thing I'd like to encourage you to do is not loose sight of your own needs and dreams. I would have been worse off if my mum had stayed with my dad "for the kids". But I think seeing her put my brother and me first all the time once they split up was bad for me too. It meant we didn't have much of a role model for adult life in many ways. And it put me off having kids of my own until it was almost too late. I know you want the best for your kids, but I don't think you can give them that if you aren't looking at getting the best for yourself as well.

Reading that it sounds like my mother just can't win. She was brilliant though and made the best she could of a bad situation. I just feel guilty about how much of her life she gave up for us.

My parents divorced when I was 21!

Good points -my education was fine (but note I recently (at the age of 40) found a note my dad had written to the head of 6th form re the issues in family - so it did really affect me (although I don't remember).

Bad points - hell growing up - to the point I'm an expert on property and money from a young age as I was aware that money and lifestyle was an issue in the potential divorce (we'd travelled load and were lucky in that aspect) so I knew about money and property prices (ie how many flats go into one big house) and worringly how my parents would feel downsising and divorce - this was from about the age of 6 I'd say.

I went through hell during my childhood (education aside) and I'd say that the negative aspects of growing up in that toxic and unhappy household far outweights my education till this day and forever.

If you think you'r doing your kids a favour by staying either because of child parental relationships or lifestyle - think again - I had an amazing childhood in many respects (amazing experiences via travel and lots of fun) but this is completely counteracted by my fears growing up.

Do what you think it right but remember that having happy parents, perhaps a bit poorer but apart, is better than having lots in a fearful environment.