Any advice welcome - putting the spark back!

[melonian]

Hi

I feel quite embarassed to be posting here but I'm not sure quite how to get our relationship back on track.

Have been married for 4 years, together for 10. Have DS 2.8 and DD 13m. Since DDs birth we have been in 1 long rough patch and I have kept thinking it'll be better when she's in bed at 7, when she's sleeping through, when I'm back at work etc etc but I think by now most of the problem lies with me.

DH is fab and a great father and is 1 of those who never stops, feels guilty if he just chills & watches telly. He works really hard and always tries to please me, and gets back...nothing. I feel very fond and grateful to him for all that he does but not in love with him, no sex drive, not much emotional connection. We rarely laugh together any more. He pretty much knows how I feel and is sad and scared that I'll leave him and he'll be a weekend dad. He still loves and fancies me. I get really irritated by him a lot of the time especially about the kids and I can't seem to just shut up but snap at him loads which makes a horrible atmosphere.

I can't see a future without him but wouldn't want a marriage like this in the long term. We do talk quite a lot so I'm not sure what good counselling would do, plus babysitting is a bit of a nightmare. What can I do to snap myself out of this? Feel free to flame me, maybe it's what I need.

No practical advice but I do believe that love is something you build, not something that happens. So if you decide you'll love him again, sure you will. But if you keep telling yourself you don't love or fancy him, that's what will happen. (have you ever had CBT - cognitive behavioural therapy?)

Other thing that occurred to me is that it may be self sabotage. Do you have this habit?

Sorry for the rushed comment, cranky baby on lap

Are you still breastfeeding? I only ask because when I eventually stopped I had a huge lease of life and suddenly felt very energised and it made me take an interest in everyone and everything more.

Is there any way you can spend some time together on your own? If you can't get a night away then how about putting children in a nursery for a day and going out for lunch, for a nice walk, maybe to the movies or maybe in bed. Whenever DH and I have been struggling we have gone away for an evening, had a nice meal and a night in a hotel. We really struggle for sitters but begged relations to have the children and we were only 20 minutes down the road and we were laughed and enjoyed each others company like we did before having children.

I was so relieved to realise that we still got on with each other and that all of the stressed out tension was just tiredness and baby related.

Time Out really helps you to clear your mind and have time to actually be you!