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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What shall i do?

16 replies

DevonCraig2010 · 12/01/2011 12:49

i'm 18 weeks pregnant and 20 years old, and i've just split with my partner 3 days ago. it all started because i was worrying about money. i'm unemployed and am doing a full time course at college, whereas my boyfriend works fulltime as a chef. although the money he earns there is pretty poor because they send him home when they're not busy and doesn't seem to be interested in asking for extra hours. i've advised to look for another job but he hasn't bothered and now i seem like the one moaning alll the time. i just can't see how his monthly wages are gonna help us when the baby is born as we struggle now.
i love him very much but the stress of this isn't helping me or the baby. he doesn't seem to understand that i will feel down from time to time and that my whole life is on a stand still because of our baby. i'm suppose to start uni in september but i had to quit to care for the baby. i stay at home all the time as i have no money and can't claim income support until march. i just felt so down and when he didn't want to come round to see me cos he assumed i was annoyed with him it just hurt and i lost it. now i've ended it and i'm raw inside and i don't know what to do. should i just take him back or should i see how i go without him? my parents and family are sio supportive so i guess thats helping but i just hate being on my own.

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 12/01/2011 12:53

If you are bored, home all the time and have no money then why don't you get a job?

MummieHunnie · 12/01/2011 12:59

With the baby coming soon, could you find some young mum to be groups locally, or join an nct group to keep you busy when you are not at college. I assume that you finish college soon and that is why you are going to claim income suppor then?

I would maybe keep friends with the ex for now and see if he pulls his socks up, maybe when the baby comes along he may take his responsibility more.

What course were you going to do at uni? Can you get help with childcare at uni?

Original poster

DevonCraig2010 · 12/01/2011 21:12

BooBooGlass, i've tried getting a job and they won't accept me as i'm pregnant. i'm not one of those people who just do nothing. i've been working since i was 13 and i miss working.

Thanks for the advice MummieHunnie, sounds like a good idea. i was going to get my Qualified Teaching Status as i want to become a teacher. i have looked into the childcare side for my baby but i've been advsed to wait a year or 2 before i carry on and further my education.

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 13/01/2011 00:22

Is that what you want to do, or are you taking on what other people's stuff? Now that you are going to be a Mum do you actually still want to be a Teacher?

MummieHunnie · 13/01/2011 00:23

If you do want to be a Teacher, could you do some voluntay work in that field, at a College in the evening?

ChippingIn · 13/01/2011 00:28

Devon - who advised you to wait a year or two?

Where are you living now?

I would definitely look into childcare options so that you can carry on with your Uni. You are too young to put your life on hold - there are some lovely childminders out there, hopefully through Uni/benefits etc you will qualify for some kind of subsidised childcare.

Things with your boyfriend may improve once he gets his head around the idea of being a Dad or they may not, you are both so young I would work out how to do it alone and any help you do get from him is a bonus. I'm not saying it's how it should be - but how it mostly is.

ChippingIn · 13/01/2011 00:38

Devon - I hate to 'cross threads' here, but as this guy isn't the love of your life - then I think you need to go your own way anyway, he can still support the baby and you can still be parents together - but as he's not the love of your life, trying to build a family with him really isn't going to work is it.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 13/01/2011 00:56

You're not living together then? What do you mean "he didnt want to come round and see you"

I think it's far too early on and you are far too vulnerable to end it yet...it sounds as though he is young and immature perhaps...stay open and try to help him see how much things will cost once the baby arrives

haveagiraffe · 13/01/2011 12:26

I would very very strongly advise you to carry on with whatever course you were planning to do. What age will the baby be when you start?

Same thing happened to me when I was pregnant at 17 and tried to get a job - no joy whatsoever.

Ask your uni and find out the following things:

How many hours per week would you need to be in uni?
Can you do the course part time? (This would mean you'd be ticking over but wouldn't be missing out on your baby too much)
What childcare grants are available?

As far as your partner goes - if he isn't bothered now when you are pregnant then he is probably not mature enough to deal with his responsibility when the baby is born. Try to keep him on side and be close and involve him so that there is still a chance he can have a relationship with the child, but in terms of your feelings for him - you are better off not staying together, it will only frustrate and limit you. If you are with a man who doesn't support you financially then there is no doubt that you will struggle. If you are single then you can get much more help and it will enable you to finish your course, get back to work and be the best example to your child.

Where are you living at the moment? Alone or with parents?

Good luck!

Malificence · 13/01/2011 13:01

I can understand why you don't feel that you can do QTS, it's not like a normal degree, it's full time with a lot of placements in schools after the 1st year.
I would speak to a careers advisor who can hopefully guide you into a more baby friendly course, you could probably mangage a degree in education, as that would perhaps be about 10-15 hours a week, you would need to do PGCE after that but you would be in a better position with a 3 year old then.

Thelastnameleft · 13/01/2011 13:08

Hello OP..have you a connexions worker you can speak to? they will definitely be able to help.

Ner1993 · 13/01/2011 13:21

Normally a lurker but really felt compelled to post a note as I was in a similar position to you 17 years ago. Aged 20, just finished college, no job and it was scarey. My boyfriend (now husband) and I moved back to my hometown and we both had to start from scratch. It was really hard but we did it. I got a job at Sainsbury's on the checkout and he was a college but worked evenings. It was a real financial struggle which put pressures on us but we got there. We rented a small house and when our baby was born, I got an evening job in an office so that we didn't have to pay for childcare.

Now seventeen years on we have 2 lovely children and are both in well paid careers.

I know we were lucky but I just wanted to send you a positive note so you know that things will get better and work out - you'll see!

Congratulations on your baby!!

StuffingGoldBrass · 13/01/2011 13:52

Booboo, that was a completely ignorant post: no one is going to employ a woman who is 20 weeks PG, particularly in the current economic cliimate.

OP, seek advice from your intended Uni or a careers adviser about what's best for you and what help (grants etc) are available.
DOn't worry too much about the boyfriend: he may shape up into a good dad or he may not, but you need to rely on yourself and take care of yourself.

Original poster

DevonCraig2010 · 13/01/2011 16:11

thanks everyone for the support and advice.
i will lookinto the universitys to see what exactly i can do.
i'm currently living at home which is very helpful as my parents are being kind and supportive to me.
well i've tried contacting my boyfriend but he keeps ignoring me and now has his phone switched off. guess i'll leave it for a while and wait for him to contact me if he wants to keep in touch.

OP posts:

Malificence · 13/01/2011 16:27

Good luck, I'm glad you have parental support, I have a daughter your age and we would fully support her in a similar situation.
If your boyfriend decides to be uncaring/unsupportive, that's his loss, I'm sure you'll be a great mum.
Take care.

roses2 · 13/01/2011 16:32

Can you do temp or contract work? Then it shouldn't matter if you're pregnant.

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