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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Caught DH last night, feel so broken.

16 replies

bumpandfedup · 12/01/2011 12:02

When I was pregnant last time I found out DH was smoking weed. This may not be a big deal to some but I was devestated.

Theres half a dozen men in my family/friends circle who do this (and though I'm not tarring all weed smokers with the same brush) they are all dick heads. Selfish and childish - due to the smoking I believe - its never something that is just occasional.

And it was the same with DH last time, i felt like a total IDIOT because I was oblivious to it and everyone else knew he was smoking :(

When I found out I jkicked him out for about a week, I really struggled though as we already had 2 kids, i was PG with SPD and we share all household responsibilities equally so it was very difficult to have it all on my shoulders.

Anyways, because he has mental health issues i was totally pissed off he would take weed as it does NOTHING for your mental health in the long run except make you paranoid (first hand onbservation of several men)

We had a longgg talk last time and he came home and promised me, PROMISED me he wouldn't smoke again.

So lasyt night his mate (weed smoker) came round to watch a fight.

At about 11:30pm I remembered I hadn't given the dog its 2nd worming dose so i got up to do it, they were in the back garden smoking.I didn't see but i could tell by DHs voice and giddyness

he came in and didnt know i was oint he other room and put his jacket in the dryer to get rid of the smell and said 'i have to do that cause of how she reacted last time' or something liek that

he Oopened the door and i said 'you've been smoking'

to cut a massivly long story short, mate went home, he confessed, i cried alot he said it was the very first tinme hes done it since last time

then he admitted he had carried on for a while after he came home last time but then did stop for the last year or so,

but he had been stressed so asked his mate to bring some yesterday morning :(

am just so upset,

to anyone who thinks weed is not a big deal, i don't care, thats irrelevent here, because I DO. and he knows that and he knows the strain and behaviour problems it caused last time and he promised me he would not do it again
and he broke his promise

i dont want him to leave, i dont think i can go it alone
i just wish he hadnt done it :(

OP posts:

Earlybird · 12/01/2011 12:06

Poor you.

Is he getting help for his mental health issues?

What methods/strategies does he have for dealing with stress - other than smoking weed?

No idea what to advise regarding your marriage, and the breach of trust.

Original poster

bumpandfedup · 12/01/2011 12:11

He is on high dose of 2 meds (used to be 3 but the 3rd made him sleep all the time and that caused stress cause he wouldn't get up)

he sounds like a twat on this thread, but apart from this he is the most loving dad, he spends all his time with the kids and he worships me,he does all the cleaning and picks the kids up and drops them off at school,
i just wish this didn't happen,

it seems to be his one huge flaw

i can't even imagine him holding a cig or whatever you call it. its just so not him, thats what cond=fuses me
we talked about him having something to do to channel his stress last night
but his depression and anxiety makes him want to stay in all the time, we get out alot during th day but he said he would like to do a spport or something, like kickboxing but he would feel like an idiot and want to come home

OP posts:

Original poster

bumpandfedup · 12/01/2011 12:33

i really dont know what to do, how can i beleive he wont do it again?

he seemed genuine last night, but then he did last time too :(

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 12/01/2011 12:36

He is a human, he makes mistakes. And it sounds like he is otherwise a lovely Dad and good man.

I am not excusing his behaviour, I too would be devastated.

Alongside his meds, does he have any counselling?

What about this 'friend'? Is he otherwise a good friend. If he is, then he would need to be in a position where he never supplied your dh. But I suspect dh can't really be friends with anybody else using the stuff. The temptation is too much.

I'm so sorry. It sounds so very difficult.

ShowOfHands · 12/01/2011 12:37

And you can reassure yourself that weed is a big deal. Especially for somebody with mental health issues.

And the breach of trust on its own is a massive thing.

Don't apologise for your reaction.

mrsbabookaloo · 12/01/2011 12:38

If he's a good dad and a good partner, I don't think this should be a deal breaker. I know it's important to you, but you say you don't want him to leave, so I think you just have to keep talking about it and working on it.

I'm sorry you're so upset about it, and of course I don't know you or him or all the details, but from what you've said, that's my opinion.

Earlybird · 12/01/2011 12:41

I think dealing with the stress is the key:

What makes him feel stressed? What can he/you do to stop it/minimise it before it builds up to an unbearable level?

Develop some healthy strategies for dealing with stress - some people meditate, some exercise (run, swim, etc), some distract themselves (read, cook, even knitting/crosstitch), etc. There are millions of things he could do to occupy his mind in other ways.

Obviously don't want him to deal with stress in an unhealthy way (smoking, drinking, over eating, etc)

Come up with a plan.

Original poster

bumpandfedup · 12/01/2011 12:45

he was on waiting list for CBT and he has a psychiatrist and a psychologist i think?) but from what i could gather heis sessions didn't go well, he didn't get much positive from them.'

he hasnt seen anyone for ages thoguh.
just on the tabs.

OP posts:

Original poster

bumpandfedup · 12/01/2011 12:46

the friend is also a 'bil' as is the other heavy weed smoker so not actually possible to cut himself off from him and they are his only 2 mates really :(

that and his brother who is a complete weedhead :(

OP posts:

Original poster

bumpandfedup · 12/01/2011 15:12

bump in case anyones been through similar x

OP posts:

spidookly · 12/01/2011 19:10

You were clear in your OP that this us a really big deal to you, and that we should recognise that.

What seems clear from your post is that it is not a big deal for him, and he doesn't respect that it is for you.

He has been fobbing you off - if he came home last time still smoking, having been thrown out for smoking, he didn't take you seriously about this issue.

It's plausible that he stopped for a bit after he came home because it was too much hassle, but he never accepted your position on this.

And I suspect he still doesn't.

Neither of you want him to leave, so you're left with talking.

I think you need to talk about it such that he isn't going to lie just to stop you being angry. You have every right to be angry, but I think he'll pay more attention if you are calm and controlled about this. He's ridden out anger and being chucked out and it just convinced him to lie. It will also allow you to really LISTEN to him when he talks to you about this.

The thing to be clear about is that this isn't "again", this is "still". You thought this was sorted between you, but it wasn't. You need a new approach.

Original poster

Bumpandfedup · 12/01/2011 19:30

thankyou,

i wasn't as angry as i thought i would be, just genuinly upset.
he seems to say all the right things but it doesn't mean anything now.

i guess my options are

a) except it - which im not prepared to do.

b) ask him to leave over it, which I don't want to do.

c) explain to him what this is doing to me and accept his apology and believe him that he won't do it again.

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 12/01/2011 19:39

I'm no expert (except that my d1 was a smoker and I totally agree with you about the effect it has. Hate the stuff).

Just asking but is there an equivalent to the AA relatives support number? I would check on the internet as I do think this sort of support in RL will be helpful

MigratingCoconuts · 12/01/2011 19:40

sorry, wrong initial...H1 was a smoker...he was no 'darling'!!

Original poster

Bumpandfedup · 12/01/2011 19:44

lol, i don't think he would see it as so bad nhe would need that, he swears blind, he gave up a few months after he came back (so over a year ago) and he just cracked last night - thing is we HAVE been having an awful time, but it doesn't excuse it

and the fact he rang his mate, asked him to bring dsome at the morning, sat with me all day knowing he was going to smoke and break his promis... the fact he was ushering me to take DD to bed just makes me feel angry/ stupid / beytrayed etc...

OP posts:

spidookly · 12/01/2011 19:45

No, I think you need to go for

d) make a lot of time to talk this through with him (maybe in joint counselling?) and try to come to a joint understanding and approach to this.

You aren't prepared to accept it, but he does not seem to be prepared to stop just to lie about stopping.

So really you need to try to convince him to want to stop.

And we already know that you being angry and upset isn't enough to convince him.

So you need something else, I suspect something that gets to the heart of why you think it is such a bad idea for him and why he turns to it.

Don't give him "another chance", tell him the chances are over. Now you both have to figure out a new way forward, hopefully together.

Flip