No need for advice on the issue causing this. I already know what I need to do on that regard but I just wanted to vent this somewhere because I haven't told anyone. So just need an ear.
I am feeling really depressed and have been having anxiety attacks going to bed every night this week leading to insomnia and then I have to take a sleeping tablet just to get me to nod off into a deep sleep. The thoughts of doing anything during the day at all I dread. Interacting with him I dread because I never know when he's next going to say something that will be a)over dramatic, b)rant about something or c)do the whole you don't love me you only love yourself business.
It sounds silly but I dread going to my GP for help because I know they will only throw more pills at me. I'm not on any bar some pills I take for an underlying illness and the sleeping pills had been prescribed for stress last year. I dread going to the GP because its admitting I can't keep coping like this I guess. I really don't want to have to tell the GP that I am having relationship issues either (as the cause of my mental state) as I know it will go on file.
Since Christmas OH has wormed his way back into my bed and while the relationship is not sexual it feels like its already back to square one just because I took pity on him and allowed him back in. The spare room had no heating and only a mattress and there was a lot of snow up here. I know its ridiculous and I will be lectured on it but I really don't have another coping mechanism at the moment except to turn a blind eye to how he acts and just ignore it.
Its coming out now in anxiety though. Last night he got into bed and sighed at me because I had the lamp on and was reading my book. I explained I would only be a few minutes and 5 minutes later he sort of rolled over and glanced at me hinting without saying it. So I turned off the lamp, rolled over on my side and lay there. Just the thought of him beside me was irritating me. That made me start thinking of the relationship and the situation feeling so hopeless and suddenly my heart started to race. I started thinking of all the friends I'd lost over him and how I really had no one except my parents to go to and I don't get on with them at the best of times. I started thinking of what a f* up I've made of my life in the decisions I've made in the past. The feeling of failure just made me feel so distraught. I have to say this is the third anxiety attack in a week and this one had me wondering if I just died.......
The isolated feeling took hold last night and I that horrible powerless feeling and I started to get a sick crawling feeling in my stomach. My heart kept fluttering I sat bolt upright and he asked me what was wrong.
I said shakily,nothings wrong, and got my bathrobe on and left the room. Came downstairs and just sat with my head in my hands for about two minutes then had a ciggy.
He didn't even follow me to see was I ok.
Yesterday his moans at me included
"you never are romantic or affectionate to me"
Wrong. I used to be when I realised quickly I got little from it and just more crap.
Referring to a scene in shameless where the couple were at it like rabbits.I joked "you need one of those women" and he replied "no I need a woman that actually likes to have sex with me."
Yesterday morning I asked him would he mind getting out of bed to allow me to sleep for a bit after the insomnia bout I'd had. He said
"God where's my tea I always bring you up tea in the morning"
He does sometimes, and I do for him too which I pointed out I had done the morning before
He replied "the tea is too milky I'd say you do that on purpose"
Nothing is ever good enough for him.
I have no desire to do anything nice for him even though it pains me that the soft side of me still does even though he doesnt appreciate it. Every attempt I make to get him to take a break up seriously just fails all the time and I end up caving.
I feel exhausted mentally and emotionally. Its my birthday soon and I don't even have any way to celebrate it nor do I really want to even though its a big one.
I'm so exhausted right now my eyes are closing. I need to really cry and I need to sleep and just curl up and ignore the whole situation because I just can't cope with my feelings anymore
Sorry for the whinge.I've nowhere else to do it.