My dp being a tightwad!

[Carmenere]

I'm really angry with my dp. He is generally very kind and generous and he is admittedly financially stretched as he has 5 kids (youngest one with me). Recently the company I worked for (on a freelance basis) went into liquidation owing me £2600 so I am at present unemployed and have no income. Until now the financial arrangement in our house had been that he pays most of the rent and bills and I paid for the groceries, so since I lost my job the onus has been on him. It's been a big stretch but by cashing in an insurance policy and with some help from my parents we have managed.

The problem is is that I hate having to ask him for money - I hate being dependant. Last week we needed some groceries and dp was going to the bank which is next to our local Waitrose. So I said I'd come and do some shopping but not much 'cause obviously Waitrose is no place to shop when you are on a budget. Anyway he arrives into Waitrose to pay and looks at the trolley and says 'I thought you were just going to get a few things'. I had filled the trolley with groceries to last us for the next 4/5 days, it came to about £45. I was very upset because I felt that he was questioning my spending. So we had a row and got over it.

So today we went to Lidl to buy cheap groceries. He knows it's going to be a big shop - he brings dd off in her buggy (he spent £24 on a toy for her!) and comes back when I am nearly finished the shopping, he looks at the trolley and says 'I hope we are not buying things we don't need just 'cause they are cheap'. I felt awful but said nothing until we got into the car. A row ensued.

Now my problem is that I find his attitude patronising, I only buy fresh food, I'm not extravagant in the least, I rarely spend money on myself, my clothes all come from George. I know very well how to budget. He never made comments like this when I was paying for the groceries.

I'm just worried because as I said he is generally kind and generous and I can't help but feel that this attitude is a bit controlling. I know that part of the problem stems from how powerless I feel by having no money, but he can't see this and doesn't see why this is a problem for me. Any advice would be welcome thanks.

Hi Carmenere

I just wanted to send you sympathies, really- mainly coz I had the same argument with my Dh an hour ago! (Right now his bags are packed on the sofa but I suppose I'll have to give in and unpack them before they he gets in from work).

it's frustrating isn't it? You do everything you can to save money, go without, they blow money on whatever it is (toys for yours, carnival for mine) then accuse you of wasting the cash.... arrggghhhh!

TBH yes, i think that you feeling powerless is part of the problem: it is for me (I am a Student), but he needs to understand too. I would write down EXACTLY what you have coming in and going out, and then give it to him. You shouldn't have to, but men need to see it in black and white sometimes.

bump

Thanks Peachyclair, I think you are right about writing things down. It probably would help, I also don't think he has any idea how much groceries cost!

No they don't (IME) They also don't get (and you need to excuse me for this, I am still fuming ), that a) kids need clothes, even if only second hand; b) kids need school lunches; c)childminders need paying, and d) this ALL takes precedence to a hobby that costs £150 pcm when you have no cash. Deep breaths now Clair!!!!!!!

Perhaps you could offer to do a joint budget with him?

Is he just really stressed because he feel that he can't afford it either?

I assume you have all the extra WFTC / benefits you are entitled to now? The CAB can do a check for you to make sure (see , there's sensible advice amongst the bile if you look hard enough )

I don't know how you feel being single but I know what it feels like to have someone judging your spending.

I manage okay with money but every now and then someone (usually my mum) will say something like, 'you shouldn't be buying that! You can't afford it...' etc. Well if I couldn't afford it, or didn't need it I wouldn't buy it!

I don't know what to suggest about your husband except talking really. Maybe you could work out a budget with him? I am always meaning to do that!!

Ha ha Peachyclair, posts crossed there.

Do you know what, I'm not sure, I'm going to check with the CAB, thanks .
Funny how their hobbies are hallowed and untouchable isn't it - I suffer a bit from that too!
My dp just rang to let me know he is going to the pub, in case I was worried - ha - I couldn't care less!

Yes weesadie - but when your mum say's it, you can generally ignore her 'cause she's not paying . My point is is that I'm a 35 yr old grown up with no track record for being irresponsible. I've worked and paid my bills since I was 16. I can't help thinking that this attitude is a hangover from his ex wife who was disasterously bad with money

It probably is a hang over from that, they form their habits disastrously young and they're hard to break: Dh's family treated carnival as a religion

Sadie, not the first time we've given the same advice is it ? You're a ver clever person, always get it right you know.....

lol peachy.

I know carmenmere. It is difficult. My only slightly similar experience is when I went travelling with my boyfriend, on him . He would give me wads of cash and I always felt like I had to account for every penny.

Is the budget at all useful an idea? Or perhaps some kind of household allowance?? I know both are probably a horrible idea, I don't what else to suggest!

You are right though, I can just tell my mum where to go!

btw, same boyfriend dumped me when I was pregnant so feel I have paid my dues.

Lucky escape Sadie! I think the real solution to this problem is that I need to find some work asap. I will never be happy accepting money from dp (or any man!). I just really need a certain amount of independance. I think I need what's known as 'f*ck off money'

ie always have enough money hidden away to be able to say f*ck off if I need to

yes I've come to the comclusion that's a handy thing as well, tho student Access Funds are helpful with that too (didn't plan that when I was in a temper earlier then? )

I agree. Hate being dependent on people. Except the State of course .

Oooh, talking of uni, still need to apply for the childcare fund, why is it all so complicated. Grrrr.

Do you think you will be able to find work?

It's the old childcare versus wages equation. I occasionally work as a freelance journalist which was great as i had a fab regular piece for a website and I could work from home etc. I've put out lots of feelers and applied for a few jobs but have yet to hear back from anyone. We are going to be moving house in the next couple of months and then I will put dd into nursery for a couple of days a week and get a part time job.

Hopefully things will get better as your finances do! Good luck getting a job anyway. I will remember you... I am studying journalism at the moment!

Thanks Weesadie. Where are you studying and do you enjoy it?

He's just streeeeeeeeessssssssed about money, it sends you a bit wacky. We are in same situation only I am one with distorted attitude to money.

I know you are right

I am studying at Napier in Edinburgh and so far so good. Although off today after my darling child threw up all over herself!

Good luck with the course and the puke Sadie
DP let me have a lie in, brought me tea in bed and cleaned the kitchen before going to work this morning. All very out of character behaviour so I'd imagine that he is feeling a bit sorry but would hate to apologise

Awww that is sweet. I know how he feels, I hate apologising. But that is because I hate being wrong. Of course, I rarely am.