feel totally stuck (or am I overreacting???)

[HeadInTheSand10]

hiya,

try to keep this as short as poss...
I feel that DH is a bastard: he tells me that I am not good an anything, complete rubbish at anything I do. I have a job (though on mat leave at moment), 1 DD aged 3 and a newborn, I am doing EVERYTHING at home without his support. I am getting constantly belittled for everything I do. He tells me I am rubbish at work (I am not), I am a bad mum (I am not), I can't cook (I bloody well can), I can't fuck (well, maybe not with him anymore). He tells me I am the plainest person on this planet, that all my friends are idiots as well. He told my mum (who is visiting from abroad at the moment), that I am shite with everything and that it is her fault (because she is could't teach me anything). he keeps telling me that I look disgusting and horrendous (gave birth to DC2 last month). he hits the roof for every small thing and takes it as an excuse to shout and scream at me - this happens almost every fucking single day. Etc... I could keep on going and going and going...

I used to be quite strong, self confident and independent but I somehow seem to be unable to get out of this relationship. I feel trapped. we have a big mortgage (I now wish we would only rent - so much easier to get out of), we have 2 children - though the baby is only very little, DC1 loves her daddy dearly. also, I met DH while studying in the UK in the 90s and stayed because of him - i.e. I have no family etc whatsoever. leaving him would leave me pretty much alone here... oh, it 21.30 I he just sends me to bed (I am not allowed to be in the kitchen/lounge after a certain time anymore... can't believe I am typing this actually....

I haven't talked to friends about it really. any advise as to what to do? I sometimes think I should stay put and accept that I made a huge mistake of getting married to him/having kids but I feel I should stay for the kids sake and forsake my own happyness IYSWIM?

any advise

My love, you need to speak to the people at Women's Aid.

Throwing you out of your own kitchen is utterly disgusting.

Verbally abusing you is beyond unacceptable.

There are options and ways to leave and rebuild your life...

As for the children... well, what is staying teaching them?

DD is going to grow up into a woman and throughout her life she'll have heard "you can't cook, you can't clean, you're no good in a relationship, you're beneath me, you can't work, you can't contribute equally, you are worthles...."

is that the message you want her to get?

Try to confide in your friends. Break the silence and break the secrecy. It is usually the silence and secrecy that supports the fear and perception that he's right.

He isn't.

You can leave - you just have to explore your options.

it sounds like an untenable situation. really at this stage i'd be looking for ways out of there.

I usually read these posts and think, no it can't be that bad, you owe it to yourself and your kids to try and make it work.

BUT NOT THIS TIME, this is beyond saving, this is no life, you need to find a way out. Don't stay there worrying about morgages, you need to leave in one piece.

OP, I wanted to post about growing up in this environment, but decided against it. However this post one of my favourite bloggers based on Bill Zeller's tragically sad suicide note made me reconsider and offer my personal experience, and maybe a few words of encouragement.

Inspite of your hideous situation, I couldn't help but smiling broadly at the comments in brackets, and especially, "(I bloody well can)" in reference to his comments on your cooking . You have a fighting spirit and despite his best efforts to break it, he is a long way from succeeding. No more of this 'I used to be'; whatever you once were, you still are (and you have my admiration for this).

In my Mother's case, she was a lovely, gentle spirit who had to endure the most horrific insults about her abilities as a mother, wife and woman (nothing like finding a stranger's dirty knickers in the glove compartment of the family car). I therefore grew up hating him and I mean real hatred; put it this way, when I was 16, I was the first one to get the phone call saying he had died from a heart attack. I had to bite on my tongue to keep from laughing knowing that he died alone and in agony.

Mine is probably an extreme case, and that I felt nothing but relief and joy at his passing should be an indication of how bad things were, but the message I am trying to convey is that your children will in one way or another be damaged by this unhealthy relationship. Whether, it is from observing how he treats you, or how you react to his treatment. Case in point, my mother's sister is married to a physically abusive man, and her children (all under the ages of 15) are prone to outbursts of rage and other behavioural problems.

You say that you are forsaking your happiness for that of theirs which if you really think about it, is very temporary.

You are not alone; you have your children, and could one day make friends who are like family. My mother escaped my father by moving to another country, and made such good friends that when she got into an accident; she used to get told off by the nurses because of the masses of well wishers who used to descend into the ward to see her.

I hope you will keep posting and seeking support and advice.

Lady Fanny

What a horrible man. You so deserve better. Where are your family, if you don't mind me asking?

WHAT????

Jesus christ love!

I too love the brackets, it shows me he hasn't broken you. (yet)

If you stay with this, it'll wear you down though, and you won't fight it.

He has NO RIGHT to do this this. NO RIGHT AT ALL.

Exactly word for word what NoGreatExpectations said (NGE - it is so unusual to hear someone agree with me on the trying to make marriage work front!) - you have to get out, this man will destroy you. He already is.