Standing up to controlling behaviour

[notwithme]

I have been lurking on these threads for a while.

I'm posting because I would like a bit of support with my husband. Well, not really, just to rant on here a bit.

I realised, mainly through these threads, that DH is quite controlling and I have allowed him to be for an easier life. He can also be quite passive aggressive. However, my New Year's resolution was that I was going to stop letting him control things and be more assertive, without causing arguments.

What I'm hoping, is that by me being more assertive, DH will just get used to it and adapt, rather than life getting worse. Am I deluding myself?

He has had a couple of strops which I have just calmly ignored. This is mainly around not immediately finding something he is looking for. (normal procedure is DH 'Have we got a pen?' I look for pen)

It started with his dressing gown on New Year's Day
DH: Have you seen my dressing gown
me: I don't know, have you looked in the washing basket?

this went on for 5 days until eventually the same thing happened with a shirt he desperately needed and he looked in the washing basket. Lo and behold.

He quite often asks me to do something and expects me to stop whatever I'm doing at the time. He also always wants to choose what we eat and criticises the shopping if I buy something he doesn't agree with.

Last night I was busy with something and he asked 'I need a shirt for tomorrow. What's happening with the ironing these days? Are you still doing it?'

I replied that the shirts were cleaned but not ironed. He said that he would rather have an ironing service than do them himself and I said that it was actually more hassle to coordinate washing, collecting, returning, paying than it was to do the ironing.

He then very noisily got the ironing board and ironed his shirts, whilst demanding to watch Falling Down (the michael douglas film) on the TV. I laughed and carried on with my work.

These things sounds so trivial and petty but I realise that they have been building up over the past few years and getting more and more encroaching. He's a loving husband and we get along very well most of the time. I feel I've allowed things to get this way and want to regain a bit of control.

Are you Asian? Just wondering OK

No I'm not.

and neither is he.

From what you say, he sounds more spoilt than controlling. I think he needs retraining.

Wow, are you married to my ex? He used to do everything you just described. The helping him look for things especially.

Weird.

yes, spoilt would be a good word.

He probably always has been - typical mummy's boy. However, as my children get older I have realised how this is impacting on them and that actually they don't have as much respect for me as I would like.

Which is why I've decided to stand up for myself more.

Does 'retraining' work? It doesn't sound like it should for an adult!

I too used to 'help him look for things' which really meant me looking for what he wanted. Mine used to do the man look, stick his head into a room an if what he was looking for didnt jump out at him then I must have moved it somewhere! An why must I have moved it? Because its only me who ever tidies up an if he had put it where it was meant to go i would have had to move it!

I decided not to do it anymore, i dont know why but one day he emanded to know where his shoes or pants or something was an I just looked at him I didnt know as I didnt wear them. In answer to paying for someone to do the ironing, i think i'd say thats fine He can pay for someone to do HIS ironing and the HE can bundle it together, drop it off and pick it up. One less thing for you to do :)

vixy, did it work? Did he just stop asking you to run around?

yes, DH ALWAYS says that he knew exactly where he had put it and I must have moved it. I pointed out to him that it is NEVER where he put it and always somewhere entirely different (usually a pocket somewhere).

It worked with mine, he does sometimes still try it but unless i think hes really looked for it then i dont help, i suggest places ( I know its childish but sometimes i actually already know where so an so is) I dont want to sound patronising to any men reading this but i found i had to treat him like i would a child, but without him knowning it. I had to do things like, if he asked where his phone was i would say well you had it when you got in from work.... he would check pocket an so on after a while he stopped askin before he had looked. When i cooked he would usually moan about it not cooked to his liking or come into the kitchen an start messing about with the oven because the heat was on to high in his opinion, i laughed at first an took it as a joke but after a while i thought it was nasty an rude, so the next time he commented i used the 'if you dont like it, dont eat it' thing or 'cook it yourself next time' Now he cooks twice a week lol He used to state what we were having for dinner, i got fed up of that aswell an would just say I didnt feel like that tonight, tbh i think it depends on the type of man you are dealing with, if he is more spoilt than controling i think it might work, wouldnt hurt to try?

Repeat the mantra "The uterus is not a homing device"

yes it deos sound like training a child but then he already acts like a child in expecting you to run round after him, find things for him and accept his dictation about what's for dinner. You have also treated him like a child in acceding to his demands for a quiet life. So, like vixy says it's time to retrain him like the naughty spoilt mummy's boy he is! As you rightly say, your children (especially boys) will take their lead from him.

slug, is that available on a fridge magnet

Oh golly, I recognise many traits here.

Not sure it is controlling as such, though my DH does many similar things and it can verge on control freak thing.

Spoilt is a good word.

Despite the fact that we have been together 13 years and are in fact very happy, I have recently (now I am freer from the shackles of very young children and operating like a zombie most of the time) just been a bit firmer about the types of things you talk about - the washing, the food and meals we eat, where things are. These are all sooooo familiar.

I'm not being stroppy with him, he'd flip the other way, but am definitely pushing things back a bit more in as calm and considered way as I can.

So I would suggest that gradually, and calmly, you just push back a bit on some of these things. Don't go in all guns blazing - it sounds like you know that won't work, but DO just edge things back slowly onto a more even keel.

My DH has responded quite well to this approach, it has to be said, and it means there much fewer "tense" moments of the nature you describe between us now.

We nearly had one last night. He opened the dishwasher which had literally just finished running about two minutes before. Of course, he was expecting it to be empty - it is 99% of the time for him, as I always empty it. He uttered a rather blunt expletive, I glanced across and just said, was that really necessary - it's just finished running! He stood back and kind of said, oh yes, sorry, just so used to it being empty!

So I kind of went "Hmm" and said no more. He knew he was being rather childish and petulant! Him recognising this of his own accord is half my battle!

Good luck, it can be resolved without too much conflict.

How boring that you have to 'retrain' grown men.

Not a criticism of anyone on this thread, more of a sigh.

My dh behaves like this when he can't find things - quite rudely and aggressively. We have a lot of problems generally and I now feel very emotionally generally from him. Would leave if I could but we have three children of 4, 6 and 9 so it's not a matter to be taken lightly! Anyway, I'm glad you love your husband op - if he is nice in so many other ways then maybe he will actually have a conversation about what he is doing that you don't like and might actually stop doing it.
Vixy0007, totally relate to thing about your dh looking briefly round a door to find something and then starting the whole "do you know where such and such is"... routine. Mine will sigh dramatically and say WHERE's blahblahblah and it the blahblahblah has been known to be within his line of vision at the time.
P.S. My dh is Asian / I am not. I do think this has had some impact in that I am viewed as functional rather than a person in my own right - sorry, this is me being angry talking because I am sure not all Asian men are like this - especially younger generations. Added to which there must be lots of older loving Asian couples as well as well as lots of non-Asian controlling men so forgive me. I do think however that I am important to him only in the way that I am here to get certain things done - look after kids and house (don't do the latter very well so this is a constant bone of contention). Don't think he is really interested in what I think about anything!!! It could be that we have just run our course!
Hope I haven't offended anyone - I spent years thinking that the fact that dh and I are culturally different did not impact on us, but have now come to the conclusion that it does, and quite a lot.

emotionally DISTANT I meant to say

the thing is anonymous bird, just as a point of discussion, why could your dh just not empty the dishwasher without saying anything? This is what I really don't like about my dh, that he feels it necessary to say so much a lot of the time. This means that I become tense when he is around and let things go that I might not otherwise as what is the point anyway, he is always going to find SOMETHING to complain about.

I sympathise, but agree with others that he sounds more spoiled, and possibly entitled, than controlling, from what you've posted.

Pretty much the only thing DP has in common with XH is the inability to look for something for more than a few seconds without asking for help. My dad does it, as does my BIL. Infuriating.

This is so familiar - it's the 'harrumph' and big drama when my DH does an ordinary thing that needs doing. He won't just do it quietly.

The other weekend he made a lot of noise getting the hoover out of the cupboard under the stairs while I was in the kitchen. 'I'm just going to hoover behind the sofa,' he sighed in a effortful voice. It seemed as if he wanted to convey that 'My God no-one else cleans round the back of the sofa it has to be ME!' - which manages both an implied criticism of me and a self-awarded medal for himself.

Ditto when changing my son's nappy - the whole house can hear when DS has done a poo from the exclamations of 'Oh my God' and 'Jesus!' coming from whichever room he's in. And then he insists on heaving DS into the bath and showering him down in a big display. Not for him a few wipes and a bag. And DH often leaves soiled nappies around the place as if he's done enough. I feel like saying 'Yes, it's amazing DS only shits before breakfast and at weekends when you're here - I never have to change dirty nappies at all.' Grrrr.

ostracised, quite. why he even had to comment I don't know.

he then did just empty it, I was busy doing something else and I quite firmly carried on with what I was doing. I think it was his silly gut reaction, but very quickly, he checked himself. He realised how stupid it sounded, and no way was I going to jump up and run over to assist!! Whereas, in the past, on automatic pilot? I might just have done. (sorry, sad I know)

Ditto re the need to say something, and the resulting tension. We do have this, though this is one of the things I am really pushing back on. I don't go mad, either I simply ignore it, walk out of the room or say what I said last night, ie. grow up, did you really need to utter such an overreaction to nothing whatsoever? Not in quite those words, but there or thereabouts.

Irritating though to have to deal with it at all.

Man looking will however, be with us until the end of time.

Poppy - hilarious (sorry) re the pooey nappies. Oh god.

And re the vacuuming??? Ha ha ha. DH tidied the playroom the other day and wanted a full trumpet and chorus, with family lined up cheering and bowing, as he announced VERY LOUDLY "Oh that is so much better". I just said, yes, well, I've already tidied it twice today, so sorry, you aren't getting a medal, but thanks anyway!

We just had a ten day break with the DC. DC were very well behaved, we all had a super time, but DH did his classic mid holiday comment as he does every time of "God, it never stops this does it?" (referring to the general clobber, feeding, tidying, sorting, chasing, separating fighting children etc etc). LIKE YOU NEED TO TELL ME DARLING!!!!!!!! He says it like he is the first person ever to realise what a day's general parenting actually involves!

tee hee.