Its over, now what?

[Cvbnm]

Dp told me last night after latest bad patch that he doesnt care anymore, should have left a year ago and that were over.
We have a beatiful 7 yr old dd what am i going to do i dont know how or where to start im a wreck dd can sense it but i feel like im completely and utterly failed her and its going to rip her world apart.

I'm not sure what to say to you but, am so sorry to read the sadness in your post.

Can this problem be sorted with some couples counselling? This man may regret leaving his partner and little girl in the future. Mine did. My son was 4 when husband left. That was six years ago. We are both with other people now (and as it turned out, he was doing me a big favour!!) but there was a period of about 2 yrs where he missed the whole family thing. Things didn't work out for him as neatly as he'd hoped so he was on his own unexpectedly.

If it really is over you have to accept that you are going to feel like utter shite. You have to go through it and your beautiful daughter will see much of it. You haven't failed her. He has. First step....... a friend? Mum? or anyone who can help practically? Maybe have your dd for a few hours so that if you need to have a good howl you can, without feeling guilty?

You'll be OK but I know, it really doesn't feel like it right now.

I thought about counselling but hes just angry, full of bitterness and says i ruin everything for him, he doesnt want to be around me and if it wasnt for dd we wouldnt hsve been together this long. I feel and keep being sick, havent eaten in 3 days, no one i can talk to here.
My dd is so intuitive, she adores her daddy, but she knows something is wrong. I said that we all deserve to be happy and not carry on this wsy, first and foremost dd, i dont want us messing her up, but this will do just rhat. The home and security and her whole world is about to change for the worst. Shes my life and i csnt belive it has come to this.

What can i say to her, how should i do it. I told him we needed to take today off and he could tell her but thats not the right way anyway but he said no, he wouldnt let work down for me.
I need to be clear what going on, going to happen and think we both need to be there but this is the worst thing in the world ive had to think about snd cant bare it.

Thinking ahead, custody, the home.
Dd has slept out twice in her 7 years, i put her to bed every night barring a rare night out/evening one off training course, i cant bare the thought of not having her here with me all the time. Earlier he ssid he wont walk away but then said wont live a lie. What does this mean, i just dont know anything.
Sorry i meant to say ive been here 9 yrs now but nsme changed

You both love your daughter and don't want her hurt in this. She will be hurt. She loves her daddy and is of the age where she will miss him and be upset to see her mum so sad.

Can your partner not show some support for his daughter, if not for you? He's being selfish right now and that's as it is in these situations. The two of you need to sit down together and discuss how you can make this awful time easier for your child.

When my husband left, he (and I) presumed that the house would immediately need to be sold; split the proceeds and go our separate ways. I don't know what your situation is but, you need to see a solicitor as soon as you can. Find out which in your area still offer legal aid. I was able to stay in my home for 4 years until I decided it was time to move. I relocated and remarried but, could have stayed in that house until my son left school. My husband HAD to put a roof over his son's head...... Unless you live in a big property (law would argue you don't need say, a 5 bed house for the two of you) you may not have to turn her world upside down with a house/school move. Do you work? You need to see if you qualify for any help as a single parent (that's what you are from the day he left - there's no shame in it and you may be entitled to help via Tax Credits/Council Tax exemption. Ring the Jobcentreplus and make an appointment with a "Lone Parent Advisor". I did, and at a time when I was frantic and skint and devastated and near suicidal, she put me on the right track.

It's very early days. Do you have family, anyone near by? I didn't and it was desperately hard (my son is disabled) and I am not a strong person really but, YOU HAVE TO JUST BE KIND TO YOURSELF, STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP AND ALLOW YOURSELF TIME TO GET OVER THE SHOCK.

In the meantime, take each hour as it comes. If your dp won't help with an explanation for his daughter (and men are usually cowards in this) then you (and it will be so hard) MUST sit her down and tell her that daddy has decided to live apart from you for the time being. That it's not her fault. That you understand how much she will miss daddy but that you will be there still, you are not going anywhere and that you too are very very sad.

It is heartbreaking. You will be OK. He may have his reasons for leaving but, he will regret it in time.

Try your hardest. x

Thankyou, i just feel like my heart keeps breaking everytime i realise this is real and not a nightemare.
I want to be able to give dd the most sugarcoated explanation possible and without me crumbling.
I know were in a terrible place but i always thought it would pass like before but the things he has said kill me.
I cant belive im going to have to put my baby girl through so much hurt and confusion, i would never widh her any different but i do wish wed sorted ourselves out before she came along so dhe didnt have to go through this.
Its like im talking about another family.
I work from home but i get the impression he wont walk out or do hes said, how much more confusing for her will that be?
Is there any counselling for unmarried couples?

I can't imagine that it makes any difference being married or not. I saw a couples counsellor through my GP but my ex never turned up (too busy with his then girlfriend!) so, eventually I gave the sessions up. There's the CAB. They might be able to help. I'd try your GP.

Your heart will continue to break. Today and the next and for the foreseeable future. It will get better and you'll be able to cope with it.

I still feel sadness every time I have to stop myself saying to my new husband...."do you remember when he (son) did this or that?" No, he doesn't remember because he wasn't there. But, I hung on the fact that my ex wasn't really missed too much at the time of leaving as he was never there anyway. Easier for me, I suppose.

Try not to confuse your dd. It just makes things harder. Your partner needs to come up with a solution to this and then arrange with you, how best to make it as painless as possible.

And remember, no one wants to do this to their kids. It's utter shite but, it's the position you are in at the moment and you need to try to be kind to yourself. Try to eat well. Rest when you can. Call a friend. Cry when you have to. Sleep if you can.

Take care.

I cant cope with knowing a choice we / hes made is going to hurt her.

Ive found a local relate but not even sure hed go, id only want to try for dd in the hope theres still something there.

Im going from hysterical to shock but have to sort myself out to pick dd up.

Thankyou for helping me through today x

Get the counselling initially for yourself if he won't go. That's his lookout.

People do say awful things to each other and the blame game...."you spoil everything for me; I've only stayed for the child/money/house/dog "whatever" is usual. He most likely doesn't mean it.

My husband told me he hadn't wanted to marry me and never loved me. I knew that wasn't true but he had to say it anyway.

You have to cope.

Hysteria is allowed in this situation. Go with it!

And you're welcome, C.

Cvbnm, how are you today?

Hi Cvbnm, I'm sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to say I was the same age as your DD when my parents split. My dad just got up and left, and I was never sat down and told what was actually happening. I was really confused and when my dad had not come home for a couple of weeks, I thought he had died! About a month after he had left, my mum finally turned to me and said he had left. I wished my mum had told me sooner, and had been more honest with me as she wouldn't tell me the reasons. It was hard to go through, but I think it would have been easier for me if I had known because I was a daddy's girl and I really missed him.

I think you both need to talk and discuss this with DD together. If he doesn't want to do, then you will need to do so. It's horrible, I know, but your DD needs to know. Tell her that you will be there for her, and if she's upset or sad, that's okay to be because things will be different and she will miss him. Tell her you're sad as well, because then she will understand you feel the same way too.

You also need to take care of yourself. It will be hard, but you will get past it. Like wendihouse22 said, sometimes things are just said to pass on blame. When me and an ex were splitting up, we said things like "I never loved you" or "I was only with you because of this reason". It's just ways to make the other hurt. If you can't do counselling for the both of you, ask your GP for counselling for yourself. They often do 6 or around that mark sessions, although sometimes there is a waiting list.

It may not seem it now, but you will become a stronger person, going through all this. You will get past the upset, and you will be able to function again properly soon, even if the hurting is still there. And (((hugs)))

Thank you tb, so sorry to hear what happend to you, thats awful.x
It was polite last night, he spoke to me asking if ok if he and dd played on xbox which i took as just them which isnt a prob so i said lighthearted for dd as i could see her face, im gunna watch some telly but im just here.. She came back in for me as soon as theyd finished bless.
At bed time ( in our bed with me- i know this cant go on) she couldnt settle, he went up and came fown to ask me if we had anything for her headache.. So all civil.
Made his own tea and put everything in dishwasher which is unusual then made his own lunch for today seeing id already done dds but not his.

I text him today to say we need to talk to sort out what were doing/ going to do. He thought i would have wanted to talk last night but a: i was a wreck and b: football was on so i thought hed say no.
So weve arranged for dd to be looked after sat afternoon and were going to "sort it out" his words, dont know which way this is going?

He asked if i minded if he and dd went out sat morn which i said is fine and ive made plans for a fun afternoon sun.

Sorry long update!
Managed to eat a little today but still feeling very sick and spaced out.

I REALLY appreciate your support wendyhouse22 and TB xxx

Shit.. wants to talk tonight so we can think then talk more sat :-( i dont know if im coming or going literally! X

He doesnt love me and hasnt for a long time.
He doesnt think anything will help.
It is over.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear this.
But now you know where you stand and you need to focus on you and your DD.
You need to discuss with him about telling DD. If he isn't a coward, it's better to come from both of you. If he is a coward, then you'll have to be brave and tell her yourself.

Try to eat little things like toast or cereal. Take each day as it comes. Maybe get some legal advice on where you stand.

Thinking of you xx

Thanks TB.
We have lots to work out.
Think we are going to try living here but not be together as i /we cant bare the thought of us not being there for dd.
I suggested seperate beds but no, we may turn other bedroom back into bedroom. He said a camp bed downstairs, that doesnt sound long term to me so dont know what his plan is, dont think he knows.

Hes blaming me for him not having a 'life' other than me and dd.
He said were beyond help, but i think i need it if nothing else, we both need advice on how to work through this as best possible for dd.

He said i do things just to wind him up, make him feel bad and he wont spend another year as unhappy as his last was.

He said he would rather be able to love me as dds mummy rather than a girlfriend he doesnt love.

Reading that back is so similar to other posts ive read in the past on here. Never thought id be writing it myself.

Hey Cvbnm. You know why reading it back gives you a deja vu? Because it's such an often seen scenario.

I'm terribly sad for you. Are you by any chance living with my ex? This is exactly what happened for me and my son. My ex suggested him living with me but "separately" and for a short period of time he came and went as she pleased (cause we weren't "together"); slept in the spare room; stayed out all night on occasion; had trips out with my son which didn't include me and confused the life out of my 4yr old; told me he'd go to counselling in order to "find the best way forward" for us all, though I went and he never turned up; ate with us because "it would be easier for our son to have us together, like nothing's changed"; allowed me to do his laundry because "you've got to do your own so might as well" and generally had me a nervous wreck as he swung between kindness (for our son's sake) and telling me not to sit so close to him because frankly, he was so angry with me for making his life "so small". He said he had no life beyond work and me and our son. (HELLO!! He was a 38yr old married man with a young child...... WTF was it he wanted to be doing?) I should say, my ex was a passionate fitness freak.....gym 5 nights a week.....cycling......running.....squash.... where I, with no family and friends (we'd relocated and I knew no one) and a disabled son, NEVER WENT OVER THE DOORSTEP!

Anyway, I'm rambling but my point is, Tammybear is right and I say again.....see a solicitor. Know what your options are and tell him that living on a camp bed is going to be very very weird for you daughter. He is a selfish man. He may well be angry and confused but he's behaving is such a self absorbed way, he should be ashamed of himself. If he doesn't love you anymore, as hard as it may be, you don't need that man in your life. He HAS to be in your daughters' life BUT THAT'S IT.

You need to get strong now C. You will need to haul in every ounce of "fuck this" you can get your hands on and tell him where the bloody door is. Sorry about the language but sometimes, on the f-word will do.

Good, you've had a bit of food. You have to really try to look after yourself now. You will get over this and better things await you.......... You just cannot see that now. Concentrate on you and your daughter and let this sorry excuse of a partner take his nastiness elsewhere.

You sound like a good mum. A good person and he will regret it in time but hopefully, you will be recovered from this devastation and living your life with your daughter.

Now, just get through today..........x

Cvbnm, I too am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and would just like to echo what others have said that the scenario of you and H remaining in the same home so you can parent your DD together and save her from hurt is in my opinion untenable.

All of our posts are coloured by our own experiences. It was put to me that exP and I should stay together, post our actual split, for a further 2 months to see our DD through important exams. I knew that this would be unworkable (admittedly there was a good deal of acrimony on my side as there was an OW on the scene, which does not appear to be the case with you) and looking back my decision to ask exP to move out was the start of getting a new life underway for me and DD (although at the time it did not feel like that, and I remember all too well that horrid state of permanent anxiety, unable to make simple decisions or to see the future). I dread to think what the tension would have been like to remain under the same roof, but imagine this would have been far more damaging to DD. I'm sure that some do make this set up work, but can think this could only be possible if both parties agree their relationship has simply dwindled to one of friendship and are happy that each leads their own independent life, other than as parents.

So many of us write that it does get better. It is important that you hear that it can and will, even if this seems remote right now. Separation from a P of 17 years was not of my doing, but 2 years on I can honestly say that I am happier than for years and my DD is very secure and happy, spending 5 nights a week with me and 2 with her father. This is no longer strange, just how her particular 'family' runs.

Take it all one day at a time (but do try and seek legal advice for long term financial security) and I am sure there is a happy future for you, albeit a future you never imagined.

I second the advice to see a solicitor as soon as possible and find out exactly where you stand WRT housing, finances etc. Because men who are behaving as selfishly as your H often try to mislead their partners in order to get their own way.
When you have all the information at your fingertips, tell your H what is going to happen, that he must move out as soon as possible (in almost all cases of a marriage ending like this, the wife and DC get to stay in the home unless it has to be sold: even then it's usually the case that the wife and DC stay till it's sold and the man moves out), and his contact with DC will be as follows, etc.
Don't beg, don't cry, be as calm and civil as you can.

Remember that what he probably wants is to continue having his home comforts (ie you cooking and cleaning for him) but to do exactly as he wants when he's not at work, which probably includes having sex with other people and/or pursuing his hobby with no thought for you or your DD. There is no reason why you should let him do this. It is not better for your DD to see her mother treated like a servant, than to have separated parents.