Help! disabled and feel threatened

[assis104s]

wondering if anyone would have any advice.
I'm disabled, and have been unwell since the birth of my DS about 1.5 yrs ago.

We have had such little help from social services / drs etc. that we have decided to move nearer my mum.

Despite being disabled, and exhausted from illness all the time, dh decided that it was ok for me to manage the whole house purchase/ packing/ dealing with banks etc by myself. After 2 weeks of refusing to help go to the bank - i was too sick to do so at the time that we had a row that escalated.

He called NHS helpline and threatened to get them to take me away as I was mentally ill. (I'm not I have a physical illness brought on by a difficult labour). Social services got called in by him as ds was present when we had an argument.

Things got smoothed over with social services - they can clearly see that we're not getting enough support, and that i pose no threat to my son etc.

But because I nagged him on the phone today - as I was so tired and have to deal with drs etc coming round, he called social services again. Obviously I talked to them so that they understand the situation but the problem is that he is refusing to listen to me anymore.

I do feel that he is using them to bully me when I am down. Everything I need to discuss anything / get some support from him to help deal with things, he escalates it trying to make out that I am a bad mother, i have mental health issues etc.

From mmy point of view, he is completely unprepared / refusing to help me with planning for the future, like what to do when nanny leaves next week, what to plan if I never get well like what we are going to do about ds, nurseries, schooling etc.

he has also refused to discuss any emotional impact that my illness has on me or him. In fact he sees any emotional reaction whether it be sadness, anger etc as 'mental illness'.

i'm really at my wits end. I have tried so many times to talk to him reasonably about even practical things but he just refuses.

Even worse is that this amount of stress is significantly increasing my illness.

I really don't know how to manage anymore. I do love him, but right now I need to improve my health and I can only do so without such an amount of stress.

I just can't be in a relationship without support or care. What to do? I can only think of leaving right now (which is what I would have done about a month ago if I could walk). Any advice would be a great help.
Many thanks

OMG, he is bullying you. he is using help and support systems set up to help AGAINST you.

Honey, you need help, serious help.

Call Women's Aid, Call your Health visitor. Your Doctor, anyone that will listen.

I really don't know what to suggest, but wanted you to know that this is NOT right and he must be stopped.

A man who loved his wife and child would not treat them so abysmally.

surely he cannot make a diagnosis on your mental health and no one can take his words for it either

dont make the illness stoping you, you can get a cab if you cant walk, if that is what you want.

take it as a metaphor :-)

You sound so isolated

Are you getting any support from SS (you mentioned they can see you need it)?

The way you describe it, it is like he's threatening you with services rather than working with you (with the assistance of others, if that's necessary)

When you say the row escalated - how so?

Is he mentally unwell? He sounds it. Or is he trying to make your life so unbearable that you leave him?

What was he like before? Do you think he can't deal with what has happened to you and wants out?

Thias is totally, totally unacceptable behaviour. I don't understnsd why you love him - he doesn't sounds like he even likes you, never mind love you.

Would you not be better off without him?

While not condoning his behaviour in any way, I can't help wondering whether he's in a panic about it all, and this is the way it comes out. Was he like this before you decided to move? Was he like this before you had the baby? Were you OK then, or did you have issues? How does he feel about living near his ILs and depending on them? Was he traumatised by your injury?

Like I said, I don't condone his behaviour, but if there are legitimate causes they need to be addressed.

Get away as soon as possible.Don't even consider moving to new house with him.Take your baby and go to your mums,untill you can sort out finances,childcare and your own health issues.Above all be safe,you sound very vulnerabe.

Msboogie, I meant to ask how long this had been going on too?

Since the child? since the pregnancy?

OP you need help, serious help!

My goodness!

He is abusing you, and using ss as a stick to beat you with.

Can they not help you with this man, have you told them what he is doing?

Contact wa, your gp, healthworker and tell them. You can't live like this anymore, he is disgraceful.

Thanks for the quick responses. you've had me in tears... I thought I was the one going mad! I'm quite isolated since my illness so it's so good to get all of your support.

He was never very good at handling emotions -either his or mine, but now it seems to have got worse. He did try and get my occupational therapist to get involved but she told him her duty of care is to me and not him.

Yes - you;re right it does feel as though he doesn't really like me as a person. when I was sick he wouldn't even make a cup of tea unless I asked him.

I guess it would be best for me to look into options for separation. I am scared though since he called social services that he will be able to use it against me? He already said that if we separate he will try to get ds.

He sounds as though he's in complete denial about your physical illness, and is somehow blaming you for not just getting on with it. This is not the response of a loving partner. You're in a vulnerable position, which makes his bullying all the more vile. SS won't take your son away on his say so. If he rings them every five minutes when he doesn't get his own way they will very quickly work out who has the mental health issues What parent does that as a way of 'punishing' the other?

Get onto Women's Aid, they will help you with strategies to get this nasty bully out of your lives. Also, as others have said, tell your GP, health visitor etc that your partner is abusing you and you need help. They will help you. Being disabled doesn't mean you have to put up with an abusive man in the house rather than be single: if you don't have him in the house not only will you get better more quickly (not being frightened in your own home will speed up your recovery) but you will get extra help from SS/health service.
Best of luck, you do NOT have to put up with this mistreatment.

Yes, you need to get RL help on your side. You sound completely rational - his behaviour sounds completely irrational.

So he's threatened you with losing your son?

Its emotional abuse, you need to get from people in real life or a charity that helps women dealing with domestic abuse/controlling partners.

I do think that you need time away from him, regardless of what you decide to do long term (Personally, I'd find it hard to come back from such vile behaviour, btw). Do you have family/friends who you could tell about what's going on? You need some support and a bit of tlc by the sounds of it. Is your illness something which can get better? Do you think having some calm and support might help your recovery? Because I really think that has to be your priority.

I am so sorry that you are having to put up with this OP. I think he cannot cope with what has happened to you, resents you terribly for it but feels he cannot walk away for fear of looking bad and doesn't want to "lose" his child. I wouldn't mind betting (no need to say of course) that he feels he isn't getting his proper entitlement of sex and attention either. The end result us that he is treating you horribly and dragging the authorities into it in the hope that someone else will resolve it all for him. Could you have some time away from him? Stay with someone for a while to gather your thoughts? In the nicest possible way I think you need to stop being the passive recipient of this abuse and get angry. You sound like you have coped very well with what has happened to you - I would not have your fortitude. You must be a strong woman - I think you need to re-find your strength away from him.

Another avenue you could explore is disability services in your area. You might be able to find an advocate who will see if you can get assessed for DLA, or direct payments for a bit of day-to-day help. At the very least it would be someone fighting your corner. Information will be on your local council website.

You could also contact your local carers' association...not that your (D)H sounds very caring

hi all,
Many thanks for your support. Felt a lot better after reading all of your replies.

Got a message asking how I was so just wanted to let you know that I decided to talk to him to find out what was going on.

I don't think he can really cope with everything at the moment. As I said he's terrible with emotional stuff and I'm sure that he's not particularly wanting to envisage a future where I am permanently disabled - prob why he wont talk about it.

Tried to get some support from doctor and ask her for counselling for us both. However, she had obviously been told that I was a danger to myself and my son by the health visitor and she insisted on trying to get me to take prozac, and was incredibly patronising to boot.

Luckily had letters from specialists supporting me, and as one was from a psychiatrist so they couldn't get their white coats on and cart me off.

Will try again with Relate, and also the local carers association - they're a great idea to give him more support.

I really do care about him still and I think that our situation is really bad for the both of us. I think I'll try and also get some more help from family etc to get the pressure off us both.

Many thanks again ladies. I was in a really bad place, but just having some moral support was brilliant.

call SS again for support for you from adult services (this is nothing to do with child protection). look at the forum for "parents with disabilities" on here and seek advice from them.

but please take a step back - yes definitely do go to relate/counselling yourself yes, ask him to go too (maybe alone so he can spill his issues)

but i think you letting him off the hook - poor dear cannot cope with emotional stuff... you need someone who can step up to the plate and do the calling round carers org etc himself. if he needs help as a carer to you - he needs to be calling them.

if he cannot cope - he needs to be the one eseeking help and advice.

but good luck whatever happens

Yes - you've got a point Cestlavielife he should be trying to get help for himself, and not just me always running round him. Actually that's exactly what my occupational therapist told him to do but he hasn't done so yet.

Will see if SS can help out at all for me.

Thanks for your advice again.

good advice here.

It is common for abusers to allege their partners have mental health problems - it is abusive and controlling. Think seriously about your future with this person.

ok, spoke to WA and you guys are right. All of what she said is happening, and it has happened so insidiously that I've hardly noticed it.

TBH I think I'm in denial. I was in a physically abusive relationship years ago and promised myself it wouldn't happen again.

Guess things don't change much!

I don't feel strong enough to leave though, or really want to, but the last few months have just been getting worse. I keep thinking that things will get better. Of course,I guess that's what he's banking on.

I feel scared to leave in a way, esp as I gave up my career 3 yrs ago, am now disabled and with a baby. God what have I got myself into?!!!

I definitely need to think this through so thanks again all.

For your partner to be calling social services to report you, more than once, whilst he still continues to live with you - presumably on the pretext that he thinks your child is at risk from you, is very very odd indeed. He is trying to undermine you and fuck with your head in a most peculiar way. You need help immediately. TBH it sounds like a cry for help from him too. You say you are only physically ill, but is it more than that? Go to your GP or health visitor immediately- they will soon work out that your child is not at risk from you. Once that is established you can concentrate on working where you want to go with your relationship. (I would suggest FAR AWAY, but that's your decision.)