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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

right to go

18 replies

deburca · 10/01/2011 15:38

right, as I have said in a previous post I tend to be the one that people gravitate to in our group for advice. I now want ur opinion on this advice I gave. At present I have 2 friends, both separated both in new relationships. The first is grand, lovely guy and treats my friend very very well. The second however is with a guy that I just dont think is any good for her.

The basics are, he is still living at home with his ex, separate rooms etc, he lost his job so financially it is very very difficult (although he could live with his parents, I know they have offered.

Although his immediate family, siblings etc are aware of his marriage ending im not sure anyone outside of the immediate family does. In fact im sure they dont as I know one of his cousins quite well and when I mentioned to her last week that my friend and her cousin were dating she looked very startled indeed.

His ex is aware that he is dating my friend (this I am very sure of - text messages etc)however the guy still has difficultly talking to my friend in the evenings, ie doesnt want to start any arguments as the ex objects to him dating my friend and living still in their home etc etc. The ex still attends various family related occassions, ie attended a party at christmas, christening, funeral etc etc.

I told my friend that I did not think things were finished sufficiently between her guy and his ex. That the fact that he is waiting to find a job/get the council to sort him with a flat before he moves out suggests to me that he is happy enough where he is. She in turn has dumped him. She is miserable, she loves him but I dont think he loves her or he wouldnt be putting her constantly second.

What you think?

OP posts:
CheerfulV · 10/01/2011 18:31

I'm in exactly the same situation as your friend. I think your advice is good, but it might be hard for her to hear it right now. However reassure her that with time, things will smooth over and the man will either realise what he has lost and make steps to fully end his last relationship before pursuing a new one, or she will meet someone much nicer and realise she is well shot of him.
In the meantime, all you can do is be there for her, and encourage her to listen to her intuition on this one. It's a hellish situation to find yourself in (hers) and I sympathise massively. Especially if you didn't fully realise what you were walking into.

Original poster
deburca · 10/01/2011 19:04

Oh Cheerful, im sorry to here that you are in that situation. For what its worth I dont know that its so much that this man is trying to hurt my friend, more that he is trying not to hurt himself. Is it that with your guy?

She is so upset about it though. I think she feels that she has always been less important that his ex, hence his unwillingness to be out in the open with my friend. I can totally see why he wouldnt want to cause any more hurt to his ex than he has do but really and truly he is still behaving like he is married.

the ex doesnt want him to be having a relationship while he is living still at home, however if they are finished whats the problem?.

I know that my ex cheated on me, we tried to sort it out etc etc but when it was really and truly over between us though he moved out. He moved out cuz it was "over". Am I being wrong to be suspicious though and not understanding his side.

At the end of the day my interest is my friend I care for and she very much cares for him

OP posts:
Diggs · 07/04/2011 10:45

the ex doesnt want him to be having a relationship while he is living still at home, however if they are finished whats the problem?.

Are you fucking serious ?

Aislingorla · 07/04/2011 11:11

Why are you letting your 'friend's' situation affect you so much deburca?

caramelwaffle · 07/04/2011 11:17

Ahhh

This is why you are on the side of the deceitful husband so much Deb; the Other Woman is your close friend.

Aislingorla · 07/04/2011 12:03

Actually cara quite a few of us believe deburca is the ow!

Aislingorla · 07/04/2011 12:03

Actually cara quite a few of us believe deburca is the ow!

SarahBumBarer · 07/04/2011 12:19

Aislingorla - if one of my friends had acted on my advice and dumped a guy but was miserable I would let it affect me too...

OP - is this the same scenario as the other thread. It seems hard to imagine you know of 2 relationships where a DH is still living with but separate from a DW and having another relationship. BUT - in the other thread you say that you do not know the OW but hear that she is lovely whereas here she is your friend that you have advised Confused

SarahBumBarer · 07/04/2011 12:20

[Aislingorla - was just saying - but I totally see where you are coming from with your posts btw]

Aislingorla · 07/04/2011 12:34

I just find deburca's story very hard to follow, if she is not the ow or in some way involved , why is she so wrapped up in it all?

TheCrackFox · 07/04/2011 13:17

Is your friend incredibly gullible?

Does she really believe that he and his wife have separate bedrooms? FFS, tell your friend to grow up. He is clearly still married because he would have left his wife if he really wanted to.

cuteboots · 07/04/2011 13:52

This all sounds very odd. The man is quite clearly still with her otherwise he would have left! Seperate bedrooms my foot...

Aislingorla · 07/04/2011 14:12

....and deburca disappears again because she has been rumbled ! Again!

PeterAndreForPM · 07/04/2011 17:40

busted

welshbyrd · 07/04/2011 17:49

This deb is the OW I think, that or she is talking utter bollocks, and starting threads for no reason, she could have posted on the other thread about this

Rumbled!!!

welshbyrd · 07/04/2011 17:56

If Im wrong and your not the OW OP.
Then your a twat, your previous threads title was "he is leaving her, and she is destroyed"
You quite clearly stated on the previous thread, you considered the "ex" as a friend, yet your obvs thoughts are with the new shag
What a friend you are
If your not the OW, stay the fuck out of people business, because I can bet my life your certainly not helping the situation
Shit Stirrer comes to mind

Anniegetyourgun · 07/04/2011 22:29

On a general point, it is perfectly possible for a couple to be separated whilst living in the same house. XH and I did so for over two years while the divorce and house sale went through. It was horrible... but I can assure you, we were ever so single. At least I was.

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