i am so so tired and heartsore

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

First day back at work after Christmas and I miss my baby so much I think my heart is breaking. Every second is like an eternity and I really want to go back home and hug him and never let him go.

I am shattered, absolutely bone tired, and I feel really stuck without any energy to change.

I feel like I am lost and ill equipped to get my brain and heart back on track, and find the best way forwards.

I know I need to grow some self belief and self worth and confidence, but am defeated at the first hurdle.

I think the first step is thew work out what happening in my past to make me like this, and what patterns I keep playing out. But how do I do this? I have lots of ideas, but they feel like slippery fish and they slide out of my fingers as soon as I think about them and I can't even remember them. I am waiting for counselling but have been waiting since the summer, and still no sign.

Not even sure counselling will help, as don't they just sit and listen? I need much more direct intervention than that... I need someone to really push my assumptions and show me the glaring inconstancies in my reality I can't see.

I need someone I can't fool accidentally as when I talk I often sound very coherent and then only afterwards realise what I said wasn't true (not lying in a bad way, just so out of touch and hard to think beyond the 'don't bother people' mantra resounding in my head).

I want to lie down and sleep and give up. Even typing this is so so tiring.

Oh gosh, not sure I can offer much advice but I feel for you

It sounds like there's a lot of thoughts running round in your head. Maybe keep a diary? It helps me unravel stuff because I can only record one train of thought at a time. Also, you might be able to see patterns emerging.

diary is probably a good idea, just not sure when I'd have time to do it, or rather, energy to do it... concentrating on myself is rather like staring at a wound - you know how it hurts less if you don't look at your finger when you've cut it, but as soon as you see how bad it is you freak out?

DoubleLife.... how old is your baby? Could I suggest possible baby blues? Or something more?

In the short term, I'd go see you GP. Get a sick note and some immediate help perhaps with counselling.....they do "just sit and listen" but should be able to help you find out why you feel the way you do?

You sound quite unwell and so so sad. For your sake and for that of your baby, you need some professional help. And it's not good coming over all "I'm OK really, just need to pull myself together" when you meet with that professional. Tell it like it is. ~There's NO SHAME in that.

I wish you well and hope I haven't offended.

How are you sleeping?

How is your appetite?

Do you feel happy at all? Do you laugh?

Do you look forward to anything?

Are you seeing friends?

I am asking because the way you describe your lack of energy and the trouble with thinking clearly, could mean you are suffering from depression. There's no shame in this if you are. It's incredibly common. Probably people you know have suffered or are suffering from it.

Please go to your GP and s/he can check you out physically (I'm not a doctor, but you could be anaemic. for instance) as well as talking to you about your feelings.

There is a talking therapy called CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). AFAIK, it is still the most-commonly provided therapy on the NHS, but you might have to wait. Please see your GP.

have a look at this

yeah I am depressed, and have been on anti-depressants for a few months, very low dose though as still bf.

I hadn't actually related me feeling like this with being depressed for some reason, should I go back to the doctors and ask her to re-evaluate the dose?

(btw, not postnatal depression, Its cos my life stinks, and have had very good advice off mumsnetters on what to do practically to get me out of it, but basically too scared and upset and depressed to take it, so trying to see clearly and maybe address my state of mind first a bit)

god I feel a mess, I ran away home (hope no one at work noticed), but ds (10 months) is asleep and i can;t hug him, which is making me feel very teary

Depression affects your concentration and your motivation. It's all a bit of a vicious circle from the sounds of it, but it sound like you need some RL help to tackle whatever's going on in your life circumstances, as well as your mood

Yeah I guess so, I guess I've got to the point of feeling so down its becoming the priority, or maybe am just using it as an excuse not to do anything in real life cos I just don't feel strong enough to do even the simplest thing...

Post natal depression can live on.....and on....and on. Don't rule it out on the "timescale" thing.

You are not "using it as an excuse" - you need to see your GP again.

No, I agree, you aren't using it as excuse. As I say, there may be a vicious cirlce going on , but the right place to step in to disrupt it is by addressing your mood - go back to the GP and find out what more can be done - be that altering your meds in some way and possibly through therapy