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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hes hurtine me and i dont know why?

48 replies

mummyof2 · 04/10/2005 13:53

I have been with my BF for 8 years we have 2 kids together and generally have an ok lifestyle.The only problem is he hits me.Its been going on since we first got together when we were 16, I have never classed it as being domestic violence because it doesnt happen on a regular basis once or twice a month maybe,and everything is always fine the next day. But yesterday he hit me because i wouldnt tell him who was on the phone even though it was only his mum i got really anoyed and didnt talk to him he said sorry. About 3 weeks ago we had a big row after i said i didnt want to go on holiday with his friands which resulted in him pouring a can of beer all over me and dragging me across the living room by my hair.The next day i had a few marks on my face but hey ive had worst! no one in my family knows about this my mum hates him anyway, i have no one to talk too and i get fed up of making excuses for him.I always think "well it wont happen again then it does". He is a great dad and otherwise a nice loving person except for this, sometimes i cant look him in the eye then other days its like nothing ever happened. He went to prison a couple of years ago for an assault only for a couple of months i was in touch with womens aid then but nothing ever came of it. I dont know what to think anymore?

OP posts:

LadyCodofCodford · 04/10/2005 14:09

are you going to leav ehim or not?
other wise this is a waste fo time

starshaker · 04/10/2005 14:10

i dont think you are stupid just that he has knocked you down that much you prob think you deserve it and cant do better. my x used to say i have to put up with it cos no1 else would be interested and it took a year to think i really dont care id rather be on my own than have to put up with this.

is this how you want ur kids to grow up. do you want them to think this is normal and for them to go through what you are. im almost positive if a bloke ever hit ur dds you would not put up with it

Papillon · 04/10/2005 14:11

Just because it does not happen every day and just because he can be a loving person does not excuse him. Nor should you make excuses for him because it will happen again and once or twice a month is a very regular basis. There is no benchmark on violence - it just IS. So don´t compare yourself lucky to others who get beaten more.

We all stand our ground to some degree or another when someone is confronting us. Whilst you seem able to stand your own ground you do not understand your own self worth - it is not okay for him to use violence to get what he wants - this is power tripping and control.

The POWER he seeks only shows his lack of self control and cowardess. If you let him have this power over you then you must think you deserve to be diminished, this makes the repetition of violence an easy option for him and he is always ready to use it and steal your SELF-ESTEEM - - inch-by-inch-by-inch.

He obviously has violence problems if he has been in prison for assult. If you don´t know what to think anymore, then experience this as how does this make me feel? If someone dragged me across the floor by my hair then I would feel humilated and degraded, the man would not see my heels for the dust as I left never to return. I suggest you get out NOW.

MeerkatsUnite · 04/10/2005 14:12

mummyof2,

This comment of yours was interesting:-

"And I know some women have the same scenario everyday in their lives".

I have to tell you that you've been living with this scenario ever since you were unfortunate enough to hook up with this "man" at 16. He is both a bully and a coward. My guess is that at the time you met you had low self esteem/self worth and he (also having low self worth amongst other deep rooted issues) honed in on it thus dragging you down further with him.

You need to talk to Women's Aid again. If you really want to get out of this cycle of violence do it NOW for you and your children. Children who grow up in relationships that are violent often go on to be violent towards others as adults. D'you really want to see your children grow up in an atmosphere of fear or even go on to be violent themselves?. This does not just affect you - it affects the children too.

Abuse = control. He is also controlling. Controlling men often would not harm their children but would not think twice about harming the woman they are supposed to love.

Hitting you, pulling hair, throwing beer over you is domestic violence. Do not downplay it or make excuses for him. I reckon he's also told you after hitting you that he's sorry and won't ever do it again. Don't fall for it!.

doormat · 04/10/2005 14:12

btw it does affect the kids-emotionally

MeerkatsUnite · 04/10/2005 14:15

Mummyof2

You're not stupid - you're just confused beyond reason and scared. This is all down to him dragging you down with him. He has the problem but you need to be part of the solution and act accordingly for your childrens' sake as well as your own.

On average two women per week in the UK are killed at the hands of their partner or ex. I do not mean to shock you by stating this - this is fact.

Original poster

mummyof2 · 04/10/2005 14:16

I going to go onto the womens aid website now and see how i go from there, thanks for your support.

OP posts:

starshaker · 04/10/2005 14:17

how many times does he have to say he wont do it again before you realise he bloody well will

Papillon · 04/10/2005 14:17

He says "sorry it wont happen again"

But it does happen again.

think future - do you want this to happen to you the REST of your life?

Being scared of leaving him seems not so scary if you add up the next 50 years. Being hit twice a month in one year = 24

24 x 50 = 1200 times

Take a big breath, make a plan of action to leave him, be brave, know that MNetters are here for you.

Know that there are other men out there - many MN have stories of life after violence.

Original poster

mummyof2 · 04/10/2005 14:18

The children do get upset if they hear shouting but they dont see anything.

OP posts:

TurQorTreat · 04/10/2005 14:19

Children regularly witnessing domestic violence are as traumatized as children living in warzones apparently.

Papillon · 04/10/2005 14:25

The children do get upset if they hear shouting but they dont see anything.

That is an excuse mummyof2

You know last night dh and I watched a domestic violence film with Jennifer Lopez in it. I was lying on his tummy and at the end - I could feel him laughing. I sat up thinking WHAT! abit pissed at him until I realised he had tears in his eyes and the said " I am laughing from relief"

See what kinds of other men are out there. Ones that would NEVER EVER hit - and are traumatised that such violence happens to another person.

Try and think out of the life and circumstance you have... set your goals higher than what you currently have. Refuse to accept this any longer and LEAVE HIM.

Mum2girls · 04/10/2005 14:34

My parents were in the kind of relationship that you're in now.

For kids it is horrendous. I never saw what happened but I knew definitely that blows were being dealt - saw the evidence the next morning ffs.

You are kidding yourself if you think this has anything other than a hugely damaging effect on your children.

Sorry, but there it is.

MeerkatsUnite · 04/10/2005 14:35

"The children do get upset if they hear shouting but they dont see anything".

Mummyof2 - do not downplay this or try in anyway to justify such behaviours. Victims of domestic violence often say this self same thing about the children but they do sense a tension and pick up on it. They become traumatised by such behaviours even if not witnessed directly. This does not just affect you - it affects them too. Who are their primary influences re relationships - that's right it's you two.

WigWamBam · 04/10/2005 14:42

You know that his behaviour is wrong, otherwise you wouldn't be posting. The fact that it isn't every day, and that sometimes it's not as bad as others isn't a factor - you are being abused. And so are your children - you acknowledge that they don't like what they hear. Hearing it, even if they don't see it, is damaging them.

Like it or not, if you stay in this relationship as it is, your children are going to be damaged. Even if not physically, they are going to be harmed mentally. That's not love. That's abuse. And if you choose to keep them in this environment then you are as much at fault as he is. Sorry that's blunt, but it's true. You are choosing to keep your children in an abusive and violent home.

He does this because you accept it. You know in your heart of hearts that it's not acceptable - so don't accept it any more.

HappyDaddy · 04/10/2005 15:55

He's a bully and a prick, end of story. Sorry to be so blunt. I'd love to meet blokes like your dp/dh in a dark alley.

YeahBut · 04/10/2005 17:15

Get all your important documents together - passports, birth certificates, bank details etc. Make a list of important stuff you and your kids can't be without (special toys, blankets etc) and make sure you can lay your hands on it all at short notice. Call Women's Aid and get ready to leave him.

He is NOT sorry. If he was really sorry, he would get help and make an effort to end an 8 year cycle of violence.

He will not change. You can't make him change.

Even hearing the abuse will be affecting your children and before long one of them will witness it. Do you really want that for them?

MassAcresOHara · 04/10/2005 17:18

Leave him. for the sake of your children if not for yourself.

You are inflicting the abuse on your children if you do not leave.

Arabica · 04/10/2005 17:19

How old are you? My sister in law is now 45. She justified her partner's violence on the basis that 'he is loving most of the timehe only hit me when he gets stressed out...he's under so much pressure, he doesn't really mean itthe kids don't know what is going on...he only hits me occasionally' After 15 years' abuse, she ended up in intensive care, after the poor, misunderstood, stressed out little lamb, hit her so badly around the head she is now partially deaf and her ear had to be re-stitched to her face. Her kids are now completely f*cked up, and he's in jail on a GBH charge. She's very lucky she isn't dead. Don't let it happen to you--get out! You are worth it.

MassacreOHara · 04/10/2005 17:21

In fact why would you stay? loving most of the time is a far cry from loving all of the time

FGS someone get me by the arms and drag me out with my feet kick

blueteddy · 04/10/2005 17:38

You really MUST get some kind of help.
His behaviour sounds really shocking & your safety is very much at risk.
Most abusive men can turn on the nice side (every one I have ever heard about, anyway), but you know he will be abusive again & the nice side is short lived.
I agree with the others, you need to leave this man, before any more serious damage is done.

littleA · 05/10/2005 01:03

LEAVE

My best friend was going through that,i knew he was hitting her,but she never admitted it to anyone.Went on for years.She had a baby in january this year,in march she was dead,bastard went all the way that time...
Now her little girl will never get the chance to meet her mummy...she lives with her grandmother now,but it's tough for her,she just lost her daughter...WHY...

Sorry to be so blunt,but i've heard it plenty of times,from her,from other women-he's not that bad...he loves me actually...and the kids...he doesn't mean it.....and so on....

NO,he doesn't.And yes,he does mean it when he hits you,or threatens you,those men know exactly what they're doing,when they're doing it...
And the day comes when they take it too far,and when your body can't take no more,and no,my friend wasn't walking around covered in bruises or anything,she,or they,appeared completely normal and ordinary,but that day came,for her,and for so many other women before her,so please,please,please...get out,just get out

Papillon · 05/10/2005 19:38

(((((mummyof2))))) I wonder if you are sitting there looking at your dp as a potential murderer? I wonder what you are feeling? It is a heavy lot of posts you have received and I hope we have not scared you off, because the fact that you posted here means a part of you needs to talk about this. A part of you wants the hitting to stop and to face what is happening in your life.

It is very difficult to break habits and cycles that have been a part of you for a long time. But to really live a happy life, bad habits need to be removed from your life.

Please think seriously about talking to womans aid again. Especially as you don´t know what to think about what is happening to you. But remember like us here who are posting to you, womans aid can only give you advice and support if you are willing to take hold of the hand that is held out to you and leave behind the hand that is hitting you.

Thinking of you

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