Thinking of cutting ties with my mother advice needed please (sorry long story)

[appleslice]

Finally at the age of 37 have come to realise that I am not going to have the sort of relationship with my mother that I would love unless its on her terms, so after this latest episode I am thinking of cutting all ties. Here goes with writing down some of the things that have happened

1.I have a younger half brother (24) who has been in prison numerous times, I have very little to do with him as he is a first class W**ker, but mum still has him at home, he doesn't work (she gives him money),she has the police round to her house even searching it with a warrant when she was at work, she constantly goes out early hours of the morning to pick him up from where ever he has been but she then constantly rings me to moan about him.She tells me that that picks him up gives him money to save any hassle from him as he is very verbal with her.

On Thursday 23rd December I get a call from my mother in tears saying come & help her as my DB had been in a fight (we live in a small town) so I go & get her & he proceeds to shout abuse at me, spit in my face & keep threatening to hit me so I got my mother in the car, & when we got back to my house she was moaning about my driving & wanted to go back up the road to make sure he was ok I ended up shouting at my mother (for the first time ever) so I took her back up street to get her car.

1. I rang her the next day to see if she was alright & we had a chat & I said we will pop round xmas day. DS1 (16) rang her said we are going to pop round with her presents & she said we can't come round as she isn't ready for us at 11am fair enough but she popped round to ours at 1pm even though she knew we would be out.. The real reason would be that DB was there.

1. She even moans about DS1(16) says that he is a scourger & even once said to me that he was a little c**t DS1 is a caring boy & often pop's round to see my mum & his other grandparents. And my mum gives him money with out him asking, she even buys him pizza's for his tea as when I ask him why you not wanting your tea, he replies nan has bought my tea etc.... & when she has moaned about him I ask him why you ask nan for money etc & he says I haven't she asks me if I would like some so then that gets me thinking that she is lying to me as I know my son isn't an angel but he does know better than to lie to me..then at xmas she bought DS1 a Ipod nano & DS2 stationary

1. On Friday night just gone she rang & asked me if I got her text message I said no I haven't, then she got really funny & then proceed to ask me for some money, & when I said no I haven't got any she started swearing, so I said got to go having my tea of which I got a sarky reply.

1. I have had a rocky childhood with my mother from her leaving me when I was 2 with the next door neighbour until my dad got home from work as she had gone of with another man, then from her fighting through the courts to gain full custody when I was 5,which she succeeded. To her telling me I was fat when I was a teenager to her chucking me out the house when I was 19 & found out I was pregnant with DS1 of which she didnt speak to me for 6 months & then played the doting grandmother..... I even now get sarky comments about my weight as a curvy size 12 to how I have to look glam even though it cold & snowing .

So after everything that has happened in the last month has made me think I will be better just cutting all ties with her...I know its my choice but I need other peoples opinion so that I can see that I am not being totally unreasonable by not having any more contact.
All advice would be most grateful.

Sounds like an awful situation but yes maybe cutting ties would be best for all. Sounds like you've tried your best and nothing will be good enough.

Yep, cut all ties. You've had a shit time. It's not going to get any better with her, is it?

And now, as well as throwing cruel words your way about how you look, she's insulting your ds. She's a real diamond, your mum, isn't she?

If you're up to cutting all contact, then I'd do it. Absolutely. Her behaviour isn't good enough.

Yes finally I am ready to cut contact, I will feel guilty as she is 63 but at the end of the day I don't think a mother should be like that & I need to move on

sweetheart - no nana calls a grandchild a cunt - im afraid that would be a total deal-breaker for me - she is revolting and quite frankly a horrible influence and i wouldnt have her within a million miles of my children!

Cut ties with this toxic selfish woman.

Like many adult children of toxic parents you are trapped in the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. These feelings on your part are all truly misplaced.

Your mother has abjectedly let you down and continues to do so by her actions. Toxic parents more often than not become toxic grandparents as well; I am not unfortunately all that surprised that she rounded on your son in the way she did.

Such toxic people never apologise, never take responsibility for their actions and are all too quick to blame others for their inherent ills.

I would suggest you also read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as this may help you also (as well as looking at the Stately Homes thread on these pages).

Just wanted to say hi and offer some support. Although the situation/reasons are completely different I have ended up cutting ties with my mum. It has been really hard, but there is a great physical distance between us (hundreds of miles) which helps - it sounds like you live quite close by which might make things trickier.

I just wanted to say that the guilt does subside - many's the time when I have tried to repair things with her and each time it reminds me why I didn't want her in my life and strengthens my resolve, and it is slowly getting easier. Good luck x

Hi Maggie

Thank you for your support, and advice. Yes do live close by but I am going to stand by how I feel this time and cut ties, it will take time but I know I will hopefully feel better for it and not as guilty.

Thank you to everyone who posted I will have a look on the stately homes thread.