Confused and worried

[Ewoc]

Advice please from the learned crowd!Sorry rambles abit.

My Ex has been having an affair with a friend for the past eighteen months. Looking back, I think they have had the odd snog on and off for the past ten years.

I find out about 9 months ago and have done my best to move on with my life and make things secure for the DCs. (3)Got a job, found schools for the twinnies, been to see a counsellor, looked at houses to move into - God I hate the housing market at the moment!

Initially,nasty from EXH and I attempted sensible conversations about common ground for the raising of our DCs. He would not engage and whilst he moved out of the house for a week, he then returned one weekend Whilst I was at my parents and sleeps in the spare room. I have asked him to move out, packed his bags left them by the door etc etc. but each time he just moves back in. Legally can not change the locks as we jointly own the house and have been advised not to do it by solicitor.

DCs coping and occasionally go and see OW and her kids but this is getting less and less. Used to be weekly now less than once per month.She has not left her other half and according to him, they are working hard on sorting things out for themselves, with holidays planned, moving house etc etc.

In the mean time EXH thinks they are going to get together, she will leave her DP and live with him and the kids. He goes to see her about once every ten days at the moment. she spent Xmas and NY with her DP, leaving EXH lying around like a wet blanket. Kids had a great Xmas - which is all that counts in my book.

I quite frankly am sick of the whole situation.Him effectively having his cake and eating it, her dictating the whole situation and playing the hard done by injured party. ( some of her evil little mind fucking texts beggar belief, as to how she feels the injured party!) He has said some quite unbelievably horrible things, accused me of having an affair ( have not) getting pregnant deliberately ( we had IVF for the first one!)

Initially, wanted EXH to stay, now just want to move on with my life but seem to be stuck in a quagmire only solution, being me to buy/rent house and move out - he refuses to sell this house leaving me with little deposit, so saving hard from new job.do not really want to rent as can not save money for deposit and I hate the thought of wasting money - but realise this might be the only way out of this mess.

I hate the DCS being exposed to this actually quite pathetic situation and a woman who has the morals of an alley cat. She think s nothing of telling them that once she and EXH are together they will all be living together, as Mummy is not a good Mummy because she works and they will be better off with her and EX. My feeling is she is not going to leave her DP anytime soon and poor DCS are exposed to her and her mind screwing techniques. Which I end up having to deal with. 3 DCs in bed for days after a visit to her, because they love me and want to live with me not her.

Sorry for the ramble - just want the two most selfish people in the world to either get it together and stop pissing around with everyones lives - her kids and mine do not deserve this.Just get the feeling that she is enjoying the whole situaton , she is a drama queen and this is not her first affair.

I incidentally went on a date for the first time on Friday - so nervous and scared but realised I really am over EXH and his games and just want to move on.Hence the post now -

I know what you are all going to say - find somewhere to rent and move out!!Just annoyed that it is me who has to do all the work in this mess and they sit their doing nothing.

Forgot to say I realise, EXH is no better than her but he is the DCs father and I can not change that fact. So have to deal with him whether I like it or not.

My thoughts about his behaviour are unrepeatable and I realised a few months ago thinking like that made me unhappy, so have given up this year on thinking about the whys and wherefores and just engage with him about the DCs.

Despite the madness going on around you, you sound like you know what to do, you say it yourself, unfortunately its likely to be you who has to do all the hard work to get this moved on to the next stage but remember you have got this far! Well done you.

I'm sorry you're going through this hideous situation.

Keep your focus on your kids and keep neutralising the poison the ow tells them. You sound like you've been doing exactly that anyway. They're so very lucky to have a mother like you who puts them first.

Do not say anything bad about ow to the children. That'll confuse them even more. Keep being the positive, constant source of love and comfort for them.

If you feel that the ow is genuinely upsetting your dcs with talk of them moving in with her, then you might have to take action like saying they cannot see her because she talks rubbish to them.

But you might find your steady, calm reassurances that they will always live with you to be enough for them. You can always equip them with some phrases to respond to her or tell them to ignore her when she comes out with stuff like this.

The fact that you have to take action about your accommodation is a positive thing. By having to do this, you are actively moving forward. Your ex and the ow are simply treading water. You will leave them far far behind soon and they, or at least he, will be staring after you, still in their own mess because it sounds like a real mess the pair of them are in.

I think you sound amazingly resourceful and the power is all yours because you've moved on and don't need to get drawn into any more rubbish. Keep aloof and distant from your ex and ow and positive for your children.

All power to you - I think you're doing so bloody well.

Get to a solicitor pronto to investigate all of your options.
If you divorce your ExH can't stop the selling of the house. And you don't want him back, do you?

why aren't you geting a divorce ?

it will take a while, but your ex will be forced to do things like sell the house or most likely buy you out so you can stay on there with the dc

divorce him on the grounds of adultery

if he won't play ball, that is your choice to make