Ex P's side of family and wedding.

[SilenceIsChocolate]

Curious to know peoples thoughts on this one. I split from my Ex 6 months ago.

However, exP's sister is getting married. I was told to save the date on Facebook in a group email. Not sure if save the date was just regarding DD or whether invite extends to me! (not sure I would want to go, but would do to be support for DD)

DD went to ExP for night on Friday and saw the sister. Who asked her/told her she was going to be a flower girl.

naturally dd who is 4.and a half is excited about it. (the wedding is 8 months away btw!) concerned at the reception she will be overlooked.

The whole family is fairly selfish and they have a habit of letting children run a bit wild. The venue has a massive lake/pond without a fence around....

DD is fairly sensible but I am just concerned for how she will be treated - it is a bit event she will know some of the family but not all and my experience of DD at weddings is I ended up playing with her or keeping an eye whilst ExP got increasingly pissed and incapable.

The rest of the family have good intentions but totally different parenting style and have not had much to do with dd - Also what is a reasonable time to want dd home.

I have been through the hoop with ExP one way or another and this is just seemingly another drama. Any advice you can offer which doesn't make me look like a control freak or bitter ex i'd be truly greatful. :)

Offer to pick her up in the evening. If things are difficult with xp then make the offer to the bride. Phrase it along the lines on 'I know dd can get fractious when tired. Do you want me to pick her up at x?'

oh dear, for the bride to have no respect for you, to not ask you before asking your dd that she would like her to be a flower girl, there is going to be trouble/issues, there always is when people are disrespectful and poor communicators.

I would go around to her's and say it is lovely she wants dd to be a flower girl, that you would have liked it if going forward she has some respect for you as the parent to her niece and that in future you be asked before dd. This time that you will agree to dd being flower girl, the next time you will not stand for this sort of underhand behaviour which is very dysfuctional. Please find a nicer way of saying that, so she does not feel bad and that you are not having a go at her, for the sake of peace in all of your lives. She needs to have it made clear though. Ask that she communicate directly with you. Ask her who will be caring for dd etc will an adult bridesmaid take responsibility until the meal, so that your mind is at rest regarding the pond etc. I would ask that dd at that age go to bed at 9pm and offer to come and collect her at that time and babysit, that way she avoids the worst of the drunks/evening guests and a neglectful father/hangover the next day poor childcare, overtired child etc.

Great advice - thank you. The wedding is local to me. I will give her a call - She is quite young (early 20's) although she has never been all that great at communicating.

I haven't gone out of my way to be in touch with her but I have made sure DD had gift to give her at Christmas etc.

I have no axe to grind with her and will definitely speak to her about it. I think they think they can just do it via ExP. But he can be even worse at communicating! and he really had no idea of the day to day with DD at all. (eg spent last night with ExP an she offered to tell me he hadn't washed her properly, given her food at snack time etc) Although he gives the impression he is the perfect father to the rest of the world. (drives me nuts!)

By 9pm DD would definitely have had enough if not before - she runs on nervous energy especially if on show.

shame I haven't already booked a summer holiday!

I would be very, very nervous about letting a 4-year old go under those circumstances - unless you have very strong faith in one designated person looking after her in the same way you would yourself - which, from your post, it doesn't sounds as if you do.
People may well say things like "oh, there'll be loads of us here, she will be well looked after" but a few hours into the wedding and several drinks, it may well not be clear who, if anyone, is looking after her. In your shoes, I would say, very politely, to the bride, that you need to be there to look after your DD and are you invited? If the answer to that one is no, then say you are very sorry but DD won't be able to come - and send a nice gift of some sort. 9 IMO is much to late to pick up a 4 yr old but I would not leave her there by herself to begin with. You DD may be momentarily disappointed but she will soon forget about and you could plan something nice for the day.

If your relationship with the bride is not actively hostile, best thing is to ring her and say, congratulations on the wedding, would you like me to come and keep an eye on DD or pick her up after the ceremony? If you can word it as though you are doing her a favour (rather than as though you are outraged) she might be pleased and totally amenable - that way your DD gets the fun of being a flower girl at her aunt's wedding and you get a free drink or two.

I sent Bride an email (was a polite one) Asking that she spoke to me regarding it. Have not heard back yet - I will probably have to actively call her.

I will definitely get the 'oh there will be plenty of family there' but I totally agree it is not the same. I am always painted the over protective one.

DD is happy in their company as long as I am about and ExP is about - He has been made an usher and even if he says he will look after her, he will forget himself - seen it happen so many times.

Bride hasn't though carefully about the logistics of it really....the getting ready in the morning, the waiting about, if she needs a pee etc etc...DD will not know any of her entourage. Dd is a good girl but it is still a lot for her to have to deal with.

There is possibly one person I can entrust - who is a relative that will understand in an unbiased way.

Will be interesting to see what Bride's response is...

Grandfather will again have all the best intentions but he is a chocolate fireplace of a man and will be so wrapped up in himself and bride - he will palm her off eventually.

My only concern is for her welfare as events she has been to in the past without me, haven't gone exactly to plan. my concern is from experience and not bitterness.

I spoke to ExP regarding it today and am a little more at ease. At the same time found out DD was earwigging a conversation whilst playing in earshot and she had overheard the conversation about her being a bridesmaid (Exp's explanation) - He had not realised she would pick up on it and announce it to me. Even so.

I come from a very large extended family and am aware of the feelings when having to miss out on events or not as each individual case arrives.

My ExP will not want her to stay overnight on that night. my ExP will not forgo drinking if he is looking after DD either....part of the reason he is ExP and not DH/DP.

When she is older then I would be much happier but she is still only 4.