Not sure at all.

[ModreB]

Might be a bit long, sorry.

My DH and I were very good friends with another couple, until the DW was killed very tragically in a road accident. She and I were very close, our DC's were the same age etc. This was nearly 5 years ago.

We are still good friends with the DH, who is godfather to our youngest DS. We supported him through the horrible time after the accident, he and his DC's came on holiday with us for 3 years after the accident, he was included in our family gatherings as his DP's had died when he was a teenager, and he had no close family of his own.

BUT - the DH is now in a relationship, to a very nice woman, who has taken on the DC's, all the baggage that came with him etc etc. They announced their engagement last summer.

Since then, she has made it very clear that my DH and I are no longer welcome to be close to him and his DC's, she does not consider us to be his family, she does not want to attend family events and other stuff. This is to the extent that we have not been invited to their wedding, in August this year. We have been told that we are not being invited.

On the one hand, I can see that in many ways we are a reminder of his previous relationship, which she can never compete with (in her head) as his previous DW is dead, and that this must be a very difficult situation for her, with us as a constant reminder of the dead DW.

But, we have been nothing but positive towards her, we have welcomed her, and have been very genuinely happy for them and their relationship. They are happy, and we are happy for them.

I do feel very upset that we will not be at the wedding, but then feel guilty that I can also see it from her point of view.

Do I approach her, and if I did, what could I say?

if this is really her attitude and her wish not to invite you to the wedding then i think she is a selfish short sighted cow quite frankly. surely she should be expected to value and be grateful that your family was able to provide such support to her soon to be dh and his children.... and why would he be agreeing / allowing her to behave like this. you sound lovely btw and much more generous minded towards her than i would feel in your shoes. how sad for all concerned.think i might say something / drop a note to your friend and her together, not her alone.... all best wishes and all that, hope you'll all still be part of our lives in the future etc...?

Good lord what do his children think?I am sure you and your family were fundamental in their moving on and learning to live without their lovely mum.very short sighted of her Is she v young?

Very sad situation.

I would perhaps says something to her, you have stated quite clearly on here she is a very nice person.

Explain the childrens very close relationship etc.

Would be a bit worried, that she is controlling the family, without the ring on her finger

Perphaps even, have a chat to your friend, and see what he thinks

What a horrible situation, im so sorry. Have you spoken to your friend about all this? What has he said?

This sounds so hard. My initial gut feeling (and I hope I am wrong) is that if you have understood all of this correctly then perhaps your friend is making an unwise decision.

As someone else has said, you are very close to his children, and indeed your friend.

She sounds insecure/jealous and quite possibly controlling and manipulative.

Obviously you cannot say all of this outright to your friend.

Who has told you you are not invited to the wedding? Have you/will you have any opportunity to discuss this with your friend (in a low key way).?

What an odd woman. Whether she considers you to be his family is neither here nor there. It is what you friend thinks. And quite obviously he does/did. He is godfather to your son fgs, does she want to take that away too?

Is your friend aware of her trying to distance your family? Who told you that you weren't invited to the wedding?

this is so, so sad

what the hell is he (your friend) thinking ?

to effectively discard such brilliant friends as you have been ?

he is making a very, very big mistake, but I suppose you have to just let him get on with it

Well, the pair of them came out to a meal with my DH and I. They told us that they had set the date, and that due to space issues, it was family only.

She made it very clear that she does not consider us to be family.

She is not young, the same age as me (early 40's)

If I am honest, he does still see us regularly, just not with her or in situations where she will be around IYSWIM.

If I am brutally honest, I think that he is thinking of providing a family life for his DC's, and is not thinking about what he wants, which is a big mistake. BUT I do not have the right to interfere, we will make sure that we keep in contact for the inevitable fall out .

in this situation, I would have considered you as "family"

she is a fool, and so is he for going along with it (for a quiet life ?)

DH and I have been in a similar situation wrt supporting a friend beyond the call of duty after a traumatic bereavement

we don't do it for the "thanks" or for any payback whatsoever

however, it is made very clear to us by our friend that we are "family" for life and nothing will ever change that

some circumstances have come along since (this is 10 years now) that may have threatened that status quo but no we are just as close as ever

not so "full on" obviously, but we would be invited as guests of honour to any wedding (much to our embarassment and secret pride)