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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just told DP its over... hand holding please

29 replies

TitsalinaBumSquash · 08/01/2011 17:22

Its not been working for a while. Nothing in common, different views, ambitions, life goals.
He has not taken it well, launced into 'attack mode' (not physical dont worry) he has gone out now, god knows where.
I think he knows as well as I do that it can't work.
Its hard 7 years we have been together but I honestly believe we can be happyier and parent together better apart. Sad

OP posts:
QueenStromba · 08/01/2011 18:09

That's very brave of you - too many people stay in unhappy relationships. Pour yourself a glass of wine.

Original poster
TitsalinaBumSquash · 08/01/2011 18:13

I would but i have a banging headache and im ment to be dieting!

I dont know where he has gone or when he will be back, I just dodn't want to wake up in 7 more years time and feel like this.
He is a good guy, i like him and love him as a friend and father of my kids but nothing more.

OP posts:
elephantsaregreen · 08/01/2011 18:26

You brave thing!

I don't know it this advice will work for you, but you can kinda 'love' him through this too.

Be the bigger person. He is entitled to some anger and this is probably how he is expressing his grief/fear/disappointment.

Just like a child (or an adult), he is having a normal emotional reaction. He may settle down after a couple of days and be embarrassed about his behaviour.

If he feels surprised/ambushed by your decision to split, then it's a totally understandable reaction.

Of course I would expect the 'attack' behaviour to subside quickly. (and you haven't elaborated on what this behaviour looks like so I am making some assumptions here).

Having said all that some men will stay mean throughout a break-up. but try to keep it at an arms length.

QueenStromba · 08/01/2011 18:28

Ah, a couple of squares of chocolate probably wouldn't hurt too much.

It's awful when you just stop thinking of someone that way but still care about them - it's way easier when you don't like the other person anymore. Try not to let him emotionally blackmail you into staying with him - keep the "if you loved me then you'd want me to be happy" line in reserve.

Might he have gone to the pub with a mate?

Original poster
TitsalinaBumSquash · 08/01/2011 18:30

The attack didn't last long, he just jumped feet first into saying I was screwing him over = and just wanted what I could get (flat, kids, possesions ect) I think he realises that, that isn't true.
I think we could be great friends and parent well together if we are apart but when were together we wind each other up and hold each other back.

He has zero confidence as it is so this isn't going to help but it did need to be done. He wont be moving out anytime soon purely becuase he has nowhere to go and no family to turn to, we have no money to rent him somehwere else.

OP posts:
Original poster
TitsalinaBumSquash · 08/01/2011 18:31

He doesn't have any mates really, they all dropped him when we had kids. He is probably at my sisters, he works with BI and they are mates. He has no family. Im sure he is fine.

OP posts:
QueenStromba · 08/01/2011 18:36

Have you got a spare room for him to sleep in? If he's going to still be there for a while then it's important to get the sleeping arrangements sorted out straight away. If it's a case of someone sleeping on the sofa then the best thing would be to alternate nights so that both of you get a decent night's sleep every other night at least.

Original poster
TitsalinaBumSquash · 08/01/2011 18:37

I don't sleep anyway so im happy on the sofa it reclines so its pretty comfortable.

OP posts:
orienteerer · 08/01/2011 18:40

TitsalinBS - this is no time for worrying about dieting, get the wine out nowGrin.

QueenStromba · 08/01/2011 18:51

I second that orienteerer. Take some painkillers, wait an hour or two and then have a glass or two of wine.

Original poster
TitsalinaBumSquash · 08/01/2011 18:52

Good plan.

Painkillers here I come. Smile

OP posts:
MyBrilliantCareer · 08/01/2011 19:10

Congratulations Smile

Original poster
TitsalinaBumSquash · 08/01/2011 19:15

Im not sure a Congrats are in order... what if i have just made a huge mistake? What if i can't cope on my own... everytime i have done this before he has turned up promised how wonderful he will be and i have taken him back becuase its easy and i don't want to upset him.

God why is life so hard?!

OP posts:
geekgirl2000 · 08/01/2011 19:20

Well done Titsalina. I could have written your post myself. Am just about to do the same with DH of 7.5 years for pretty much the same reasons.

Echo orienteerer totally- stuff the diet, if you ever needed to hit the wine, then now is the time!

Good luck and keep us posted.

MyBrilliantCareer · 08/01/2011 19:29

It takes a lot of guts to do what you've done. You wouldn't have done it if you didn't think it was the right thing to do, after a long period of thinking about it.

Remember all the reasons why you did this in the first place when you are wobbling about it.

Your fears are normal. Jump to 6 months, 5 years etc ahead. What do you want? What are the consequences of your decision, or your (possible) decision to take him back?

I'm still impressed that you haven't taken the easy option.

Tillyscoutsmum · 08/01/2011 19:34

Well done for being so brave. Life is too short to be in an unsatisfactory relationship. It is so easy to stay and much harder to make the break but if things are like this after 7 years, what are the chances of you being happy together for 50+ years ?? Might as well do it now rather than drag it out.

As my wise old Grandma would say, never regret the things you do, only the things you don't do.

Good luck Smile

AnyFucker · 08/01/2011 20:05

hi tits

Sorry it has come to this. I do think it was inevitable though Sad

You are a very strong woman and you will be ok

Good luck x

atswimtwolengths · 08/01/2011 20:06

Why don't you sleep?

QueenStromba · 08/01/2011 20:17

Tillyscoutsmum:

That's my personal motto too - your granny is a wise woman.

TitsalinaBumSquash:

As I said earlier, before I even knew you had a history of taking him back - don't let him emotionally blackmail you. It's not good for either of you. If you do still love him as a friend then the best thing for him is to make it final so he can get on with his life - the longer you let it drag out the longer you'll both be miserable and the longer it will take for you both to get over it. Is there anyway your sister and BIL can put him up even for a few days? It will be much easier to hold your resolve if he's not in the house.

LmO · 08/01/2011 20:17

You are an inspiration to those of us seriously considering this as the only option left.

Give him some space, try not to worry about where he is. Defo soothe your head and have some wine.

It takes bags of courage to do what you have done, if its the best thing for your future stick to your decision no matter what he says this time.

Good luck

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 08/01/2011 20:30

Well done and be kind to yourself.

I am now 4 months down the line and still have days of wobbling and thinking I have messed everything up. But on the good days I know it is the right thing to do and all will be well.

Keep posting and the power of MN will be with you! Smile

Original poster
TitsalinaBumSquash · 08/01/2011 21:11

Thanks everyone, it was always going to happen. I must stay strong for myself, the children and for him. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Original poster
TitsalinaBumSquash · 09/01/2011 19:30

Gosh I am wobbling tonight, DP has agreed that its for the best and we have spoken about finances and things, not sure how he will afford to live anywhere else. I feel strange, feels like its gonna be a long road ahead.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 09/01/2011 19:41

it is a long road, but in 3 months time you'll be so much further on and so much happier, i imagine... seen a few of your threads despairing of things, i think taking a decision, however hard, when it's the right one, is a great brave step to make.

nothing really practical to add, i'm afraid, except stay strong x

AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 20:22

thinking of you, tits x