This is my first post here. I came across the site while googling for any advice on the crap that is my life.
A couple of years ago I met a man who I fell for very quickly. Everything seemed perfect. We'd both been married before and had uncomplicated divorces - or so I thought.
He had been separated since 04 and divorced a few years later. She worked in the same place as him now (although this happened post divorce) but its a big place and he told me he bumped in to her from time to time. One day he told me he'd told her he had met someone and she was really happy for him. She (allegedly) had been with someone else since fairly quickly post separation. He was happy for her.
Roll forward to a couple of months ago and we are in the midst of preparing for our Christmas wedding. And one day my world came crashing down when I discovered he'd been having an affair with her for longer than we had even been together.
To make matters worse (as if they could) three days previous to that day I had started to miscarry. The mc was only confirmed by the early pregnancy unit the day before I found out about the affair. He went back to work the following day and after work took his slut out in his car after work for sex in the car behind a derelict house up the road! Classy!!!!! Apparently they did this about once a week and another day or two he went to her house for sex after work. It really can't have been more than sex because he was always home within an hour an a half of the time he was due to finish work. It takes 45 mins to drive to her house and a further 15 mins to drive from there to our house. That leaves half an hour and in that time he also had a shower before he left her house to make sure I couldn't smell anything off him!!! On the car days it was five minutes to the place they went, max ten minutes in the car for sex and five mins back to the office. I have been through months and months and months of phone bills and reread every single text message he sent me so I do know the times check out. Apparently it was once every few weeks before we moved in together and then she asked him to go to her house more and to start going out in the car. The day I found out was one of the car days. Something just didn't add up that day, don't ask me what. I had never ever ever been suspicious but that day I just felt there was something wrong and asked to see his phone bills on line which very clearly showed her number repeatedly coming up.
He ended it immediately. The following day he went to a solicitor and had a letter sent to her requesting all contact stop immediately.
I sat distraught for almost a week. I couldn't quite take in what had been happening for the entire time I was with him. I was aware there was a problem with sex between us from we started living together last summer but he convinced me he was just tired etc. Of course now I know that he had already had sex by the time he came home and was physically unable to. But even though i was upset about the sexual problems we were having and told him - sometimes in tears - he never stopped screwing his tart.
4 days after that day she phoned his parents very late at night complaining I was sending her abusive messages. She has had no contact with his parents since before they separated so this was very out of the blue. His mother phoned him and he told her everything was ok and just to ignore her. He subsequently told her the problem was his ex wife was jealous we were about to get married and was trying to cause problems.
2 days later I made a decision to go out that evening to do something I needed to do. It would be the first time i had gone out since i found out 6 days before as i hadn't even been able to go to work. As I was getting ready to go out he came in to the bedroom and told me the police were in the kitchen and wanted to speak to me. The stupid slut had gone to the police and made a complaint I was harassing her. Of course this was complete nonsense as I have never ever had any contact with her, directly or indirectly, not before i found out or since. The police told me that because an allegation had been made they had to caution me and tell me i would be arrested if i made any further contact with her. i cried and told them the truth about what had been going on. He stood sheepishly by and admitted everything, the text messages she alleged i had sent her where from his phone and were the messages where he told he i knew everything and that it was over and she was never ever to contact him again. He sent her one further message telling her to stop contacting his parents and if she did or contacted anyone else known to him about it he would go to the police. the police woman was v understanding and said the harassment legislation is often abused like this but she still had to record the warning she had given to me.
I have never had any contact with the police in my life and still cannot believe that happened to me.
anyway roll forward and i was stupid enough to go through with the wedding. more fool me. i don't think he is still in contact with her but i know i should never have married him. but i was afraid if i didn't i would lose him for good. but would that really have been a loss?
he has shown no remorse. he says he is sorry but that is just a word. he thinks things are ok when we act normally towards each other. i want remorse, i want the sack cloth and ashes...........but i get complacency.
i have no idea what to do and am literally wishing i wasn't alive. i don't trust him, don't believe him, don't even like him most of the time. i wish i had the guts to walk away and get on with my life but something is keeping me here - and it sure isn't his determination to make me feel he's sorry.
i have never felt pain like i do right now and have been in for so many weeks now.
how does anyone cope with this situation?
i appreciate your patience if you have managed to read to the end of this. i just needed to get it all out.
M