Is this an emotional affair?

[ErpsKwerps]

I'd never heard this term since MN (I have name changed for this thread but am a regular). I have a male friend that I worked with 9 years ago. After work we would go out for drinks, sometimes dinner, and back to his for more drinks. There is definitely a spark between us, and we decided very early on that we would have a "no touching" rule, which we have absolutely stuck to.

After a year of working together, he moved on to the far east. We met up when he was back in Europe for lunch (mainly) in Paris, Brussels, Lille, London - easy destinations for me. This went on for several years, then we both ended up in London working in the same street (bizarrely). We met up every day for lunch, coffee or both. I have now moved on. We email constantly every day (as we always have) and have gone back to meeting up for lunch/dinner in Europe. DH knows about this friendship, and while not entirely happy about it, accepts it, but I don't think he realises the extent of the contact. My male friend was in a long distance relationship for some time- he moved to the far east to join her but it didn't work out (he didn't think it would before he left).

We speak on the phone most weeks (for 1-2 hours at a stretch) and are meeting up for dinner in London in a few weeks when we are both there. Had we shagged early on and got it out of our systems, I'm not entirely sure we would be at this stage 9 years on. So has our "self control" led to this relationship carrying on for as long as it has?

If you hadnt of said it was a male I would of thought you were talking about your best friend.

I dont think there is anything wrong - your friendship hasnt been going on for years without anything happening, your DH knows about it so you are not hiding anything.

I work with and get on far better with males, like their company and in the past have many male friends

If anything was going to happen it would of by now...keep it platonic and enjoy each others special friendship

sorry meant to say - sounds like a "female" best friend

I think that the problem is that the spark is still very much there, but neither of us have acted upon it. It would have to be me who made the first move - he has made this clear, and has also made it clear that he would not say no.

ummm...its a hard one, but I suppose it all boils down to - youre married not sure if happily? Are you wanting out? Do you want to be with this other person.

If not and this is just a genuine spark you need to put it down to "wrong place, wrong time"

If it was my husband doing this with another woman I would be distinctly unhappy about it. Your DH doesn't know the extent of the contact and he's not entirely happy with what he does know about, so presumably he'd be even less happy if he knew it all.

Is it an emotional affair? I don't know, but it doesn't feel entirely right to me.

I thinks it's an EA if you're telling him about any shortcomings of your husband or your marriage - you haven't told us that yet.

Otherwise it's a friendship with a slightly inappropriate edge to it but you're both well in control so no problem.

I have male friends I spend time with or chat to for an hour - but not the same one every week.

If you feel comfortable then it's probably not an EA.

My dh has one friend of mine that he's not entirely happy with - but that's just him being a bit paranoid for no reason and I wouldn't give up my friendship because of it.

We don't discuss my marriage or any of his relationships. DH knows there is a spark but not the extent, always, of the contact.

You are spot on, Realrabbit. It does seem to be a romantic relationship with the suppression of sex.

Do I have the same intimacy with DH? Yes, probably. He knows the "EA" and has been out to dinner with us, and has met up with him for a drink once or twice. They get on well, although DH has said he is nervous that I will have an affair with "EA" or leave him for him. I have said there is no chance of either of those things happening.

I think you've posted about this before, under another name. An emotional affair is when:

1. There is secrecy, either about the existence of a friendship, or the interactions within it.

About this, you say that your DH doesn't know:

the extent, always, of the contact. So there is secrecy.

2. There is physical chemistry.

About this, you say that there is "a spark" and that your friend has even said that
"It would have to be me who made the first move - he has made this clear, and has also made it clear that he would not say no."

So there is physical chemistry and you have admitted this to eachother throughout.

3. Your friend knows more about your marriage than your H knows about your relationship with this friend.

About this, you have admitted that your H doesn't know the extent of your contact with the friend, or that you have declared your attraction for eachother. The friend therefore knows more than your H.

You say your husband is "nervous" and it seems you are putting this friendship before his feelings of unease. I'm sure he'd be even more nervous if he knew the extent of it, so the question is, why do you feel entitled to do that?

WWIFN - I have never posted about this before.

I don't think there is secrecy, as such. Much of our emailing is mundane, so nothing particular to share with DH. I did share with him some juicy gossip from "EA" today, and he emailed him about it too, this evening.

There is physical chemistry - yup, don't deny it. DH aware of this (he is not blind or stupid).

Friend knows nothing about my marriage. "Declared attraction for each other" - FFS! DH knows, yes. I always get particularly hot sex from him after I have been out with "EA". Maybe he is exercising "droit de seigneur", maybe he is checking for "sloppy seconds"? Who knows? Either way, I haven't been unfaithful, and am not complaining about the hot sex.

I think - after 9 years - that DH knows I am not going to leave him. But this "relationship" does keep him on his toes. And I don't think that's a bad thing, necessarily.

Does your DH also think it's (possibly) a good thing? Because that's the rub, isn't it, if you respect him and your relationship.

sounds like an episode of Buttlerflies :)

aghh enjoy yourself xxx

"DH has said he is nervous that I will have an affair with "EA" or leave him for him. I have said there is no chance of either of those things happening."

Yep, that's an emotional affair alright.

Your poor DH.

GFDM - I saw it more as Brief Encounter with trams.

DH and "EA" are friends (now -for at least the last 7 years) and meet up and email each other separately from me.

I don't think DH is nervous now that I will leave him. After all, wouldn't it be more likely, if I were going to do so, that I would have left him at the beginning of the "relationship", not almost 10 years later? I think DH understands now that my leaving him is not on the cards - not that it ever was.

You said only this evening that your H "is" nervous and now you're saying he isn't. You're re-framing it as "keeping him on his toes". You also said downthread that your H doesn't know the extent of the contact, but now you're saying that there is no secrecy as such and what there is, relates to the mundane contents of E mails.

Does your H know you talk for 2 hours on the phone fairly regularly, that the friend has said if you make a move, he will accept and that you have both admitted a physical attraction to one another? The latter point is very different incidentally, from your H noticing the physical attraction.

If your H knows all this and feels perfectly happy and at ease with it all, possibly for his own reasons, then I can't quite see why you're posting.

gut feeling
this man is impotent or has other issues
it does sound rather odd all his relationship are far away

Brief Encounter is a film about an affair.

One in which the protaganists know this and terminate their relationship.

So it has nothing whatsoever in common with your situation.

But how unattractively self-indulgent of you to think so.

Yes it's an emotional affair.

I think you are being manipulative, towards this man and most importantly towards your husband.

It's extremely disrespectful to your husband who is either a saint, a doormat or, despite what you say, hopelessly in the dark about what's gone on, not just slightly unaware!

My view is that any talk with another man about feelings towards each other romantic or sexual is seriously crossing a line. I'm not saying that people do not have lusty feelings towards people that aren't their spouses, but if you don't keep them to yourself you are playing with fire and you know it. If I got to that point I hope to God I'd cut off contact before I hurt my husband or, after one of these boozy lunches/dinners, succumbed to the temptation.

And as for the way you use this man as a fluffer - vom

do you really think this tawdry, predictable, formulaic, drawn-out decades-long mutual onanistic bullshit is romantic, or in any way like a famous on screen affair notable for its brevity, self-denial and chastity?

If your husband ever meets a woman who thinks he's the greatest man in the world you will be in trouble. Presuming of course that your commitment-phobe "friend" doesn't ride to your rescue.

Woah harsh Spidookly, why the vitriol?

However I agree in essence with everything you're saying and it's a very, very good point about OP's husband...OP how would you feel if your dh had a non-fuck buddy in the wings stroking his ego every single day of his life, filling his head with ego-boosting Mills & Boons star-crossed lovers nonsense? He might not have the incredible control () you've had!

I think whatever you call it, it's not nice what you are doing to your DH or this OM.

Agree with proud, if the shoe was on the other foot (your DH having that same sort of relationship with another woman), you would have been braying for his blood and not asking for 'opinions' here!