Is my husband depressed?

[balroymum]

Our daughter is one month old and doing well apart from this week when colic has resulted in 3 hours of crying each night. I'm hsnging on in there but am very worried about my husband. Tonight he told me that he much preferred things the way they were before she was born and that he hated the way things are now. We have been together a long time and i love him so much. I don't feel that he loves me anymore and he has said he is angry with me as I wanted a baby more than he did and now he feels trapped. very upset and can't talk to friends or family. Please help x

No, I think he is just very tired..as are you. I feel for you as I can remember those early days very easily!!

It will get easier and you will both get more used to being parents. For the husband, this is especially true as babies become more aware of their world and can interact more.

Cut yourselves some slack, its really tough in those early days.

Try to give each other a break to rest, get out...what ever you need to recharge a bit.

Thanks - I really hope he'll come round, very lonely x

are there mother's coffee groups you are going to? Can the heealth visitor give any local info on groups? I found these were really useful in helping me get out and about and realise that my experiences were very common.
Sorry you are feeling so lonely it is all worth it, and it does get better, honest.

It's such a massive adjustment to make all round. It's really easy for DHs to feel pushed out and rejected as all your attention will inevitably be focussed on the baby. The lack of sleep can really get to you and make you grumpy and irritable.

I would try and get him involved with the baby - bathing, doing the nappies, taking him/her for a walk so that he starts to build a bond. It also helps when they start smiling at you

My DH suffers from depression. When he is down, he is really irritable, grumpy, unreasonable and it can be really hard going sometimes. He now takes a low dose AD which has improved things considerably all round.

Thinkk your H is just having adjustment problems, especially as you have been together a long time and this is your first child, and babies do make an enormous amount of upheaval in a household. The 3 hours colic crying is probably difficult for him, and it sounds as though you are already bonded with the baby. This make take more time for your H and he will feel trapped as having a baby takes all the spontaneity out of your life, everything has to be planned etc.

As Lydwatt says, you are both probably tired and totally unused to broken nights, and all the other things that comes with a baby. Try to talk to your H about his feelings - he probably blurted it out in a moment of frustration. Is he usually even tempered, if so I am sure he will feel differently as the baby grows into a little person and he starts getting rewards etc. Mind if he is a diffiicult personality anyway, the way ahead may not be so smooth.

Try not to worry and do try to talk to RL friends who you can trust. You don't know, others may have gone through a similar thing.

Thanks for being so nice to me. Will get out and about next week- good idea, surely it's not just my hubby who's finding it all too much.

When Ds was really little and cried a lot my DP said things like "I can't stand it any longer" and "I hate babies". Although he did a lot of work with DS and was nice to him generally, I was very shocked and worried and tentatively asked my freinds what they thought about it. They all said that that's just what men say. Their DPs have all done this, even one who is a nurse! Now he is older, DP and DS are really close and have loads of fun.

Hope this is just a phase, good luck, it gets a lot better!

I'd suggest what he's saying is perfectly normal (or well within the normal spectrum anyway). It would also be normal for him to come around and realise he loves his daughter and is really glad he had her - especially when the colic is gone.

An (initially) reluctant dad.

My dh could not cope with the colic as he couldn't fix it - he would hold my tiny screaming ds in front of him and plead with him to tell daddy what is wrong. He would hold him fr short times to give me a break but found it really hard.

3 year on and you have yet to see a pair that is thicker-than-thieves than my dh and ds.

It will pass

I remember my brother telling me he only really found his (4) boys interesting once they started toddlering around and could do stuff. He was very matter of fact, as if that was totally normal for men and he loves them to bits. It helped me a lot to see a male perspective when I had mine. Men don't all those early bonding moments we do in the first months.

I like the phrase 'the normal spectrum', I think thats a good way of saying it.

I can remember those first weeks making me more tired than I had ever been and I would literally sob and say I couldn't cope. What I learned was that even a quick 20 min nap can make the world look better

good luck, hope the colic passes soon

Thank you so much for all of these reassuring messages; have just had lovely long weekend with husband and baby and we seem to have turned a corner. Hubby visited GP who was not particularly helpful but I think that perhaps being proactive has improved things. Hubby has read all of the messages too and is no longer convinced that he is the worst dad in the world! Great to see that dads use this site too. We tried 'dadtalk' but only got one response - I wonder if many new dads know about this? Thanks again everyone x