Is it me being the baddie here?

[MavisJumble]

WOW, sorry this is a long long post, have tried to trim but I am a waffler!

I have had 3 significant relationships in my past and 2 of those I was "the doormat" where I would let the OH win the argument just to keep the peace, leaving me with built up frustration that let to some heavy drinking and misery on my behalf.

I left the last one 24 months ago and I have been with my DP for 19 months and living together for the past 6 or so. Now the the problem:

I am a monumentally selective tidy person. Now what I mean by this is I can cope with, say an handbag on the floor, but not paper and notepads and general bits (CD's cables, tat), lying around for days on end. I have a compulsion to put them away and 9.9 times out of 10 I don't even know I have done it until it is "too late".

The problem is, they are his things as he is a compulsive "leave things lying around" person. I have places where I put my "tat" and there is space for his, he just won't use it.

This leads to HUGE arguments where he says I am being ignorant, spiteful and uncaring about his things. This morning I was accused of deliberatly doing it to wind him up. I get defensive as all I want is for our home to be tidy but homely. I don't mind his bag being left around but not general tat.

I think I must be a freak and wonder if you guyst think so too. It is really hurtful when he accuses me of being spiteful and uncaring, I just have this compulsion and don't even know I am doing it most of the tim. If it's on the floor I just pick it up and put it away it the obvoius place but aparrently paper pads being put by the phone insted of on the floor next to the phone table is me trying to ruin his life.

This morning when he was yelling at me and I just stood there and took it until I snapped. In my head I was thinking why should i let him accuse me of such nasty things. He even hid my handbag and keys on purpose and told me to hunt for them.

Now it was at this point I was thinking, ok, so I don't do it deliberatly but I can see how he feels having to look for things.

Part of me is fighting saying sorry and part of me is saying it's my fault and I should apologise for my compulsion but I know I'll do it again and this will happen again so what good is sorry, I try not to move stuff but I don't know I am doing it.

Someone please tell me if i am falling into doormat routine again where I have to apologise for being me at every given opportunity.....

Yes, you are, I'm afraid. I think you're repeating patterns with this man. In a healthy relationship, he would probably find your compulsion quirky - possibly mildly irritating, or even endearing. I don't think it's unusual or weird to want a tidy home!

A decent man wouldn't yell at you, deliberately undermine or belittle you when your intentions are good.

It sounds like you're both being a little unreasonable here. He shouldn't yell at you and hide your things, but if you are constantly moving his things around, that's very annoying to live with.
If you think your behaviour is genuinely compulsive rather than thoughtless and selfish then you should look into getting some help. It's not really fair to expect a partner to live with unreasonable and annoying behaviour because you 'can't help it' when you are not making any effort to help it.

I think HE is spiteful and uncaring. He knows you like it tidy, yet he leaves his mess around. THEN he yells at you because he cant find his tat. The mess would get on my nerves too....

I wish someone tidied after me :)
I think he is the controlling party. If

Is this his place by any chance?

He sounds horrid :(

I am like you - certain amount of 'stuff' around I can tolerate, but piles of bits and bobs drive me insane.

DH is massively untidy, comes in from work and leaves cufflinks, pocket change, bits of cables/USB keys (he is in IT) and god knows what else floating around.
Our mornings are generally along this theme

DH - 'Alibaba have you seen my X'

Me - 'you have left it on the mantlepiece/bookcase/bathroom shelf'

You get the idea.

Anyway - he knows that he's a messy bugger, and so we sorted out various places where he could dump his stuff where it was out of sight and therefore wouldn't stress me out. Problem is that all those drawers etc are now full to bursting and things are flowing out over the house again. He has promised me that this weekend he will have a sort out and make space again - and I will hold him to that.
He would never, ever yell at me in the way you describe your DP yelling at you - not ever. And he certainly wouldn't hide my things to annoy and upset me!

I'm not sure that tidying up papers and cables and other crap left lying around on the floor/on all sorts of surfaces is unreasonable behaviour or even 'annoying'. Many people would be quite annoyed if they were forever having to clean up after their partner, and probably more so if s/he then had a go and got all petty because they'd picked a pad of paper off the floor and put it next to the phone where it belongs. The OP isn't complaining about having to pick up after her partner all the time; she seems to think her 'compulsion' (by which she means that she does it automatically) to tidy up is annoying or difficult to live with.

OP: it might be a good idea to sit your partner down and discuss housekeeping issues properly so you both know what level of untidiness is tolerable. He sounds like a teenager whinging because his mum cleared all the festering plates from his room and throwing a strop about it.

Thanks for your replies, you have made some interesting points. (We rent together BTW and I own a house elsewhere that my ex is in...long story)

I can see it must be intolerable for him to keep having to look for things but if he just put them away then he would know where they were next time he wants to access them. It's odd as at times he is looking for something and I don't even know I have tidied it up.

My problem is, its just automatic for me to clear up. I used to be a lot worse but I have never had someone react to it in this way. Most people find me funny that I wash up the second I have eaten (dirty pots in kitchen are intolerable) ,but, am able to leave pots on the drainer till the next evening or the day after.

I like the idea of a safe zone for his things . I know I am going back to a row tonigh as I walked out on it this morning and he is good at festering when he wants to so Ill offer this as a compromise.

Issues like this are exactly why me and dp no longer live in the same house.
Best decision I ever made, its not going to go away btw, you'll end up going round and round in circles with this one.

To me, it's not really about the tidying or whatever. It's about how the two of you are communicating - rows and sulking rather than any rational discussion.

He sounds really immature tbh, but I wonder if you subconsciously treat him like a child and that makes things worse. Sounds like you have a slightly odd dynamic going on.

You don't know you're doing it? What tosh! Of course you do.

My dh leaves his shit lying wherever....his shoes, his coat, his cds and cables and tools and just all his general paraphanalia. Yes it annoys me but after many many rows about it I have realised I'm fighting a losing battle. He says it's his house too...that I'm not in charge, and that I'm the one who's bothered about a jacket slung on the sofa.
This may or may not make him a lazy bastard, but all I know is that it isn't worth the fallout. That's sweating the small stuff imho.

You can't treat him like an underling I'm afraid.

Ummm...so one of you is tidy, one of you is messy. Well, you and approximately every other household in the nation.

I don't get all the stupid tit for tat rows and hiding handbags.

You both need to grow up.

An old flatmate of mine was like that with the washing up. He would wolf his food and then spring up to wash everything.
It was very unsettling tbh, made everyone else feel like we shouldn't be taking our time and enjoying our meals and made us all twitchy.

I like things to be neat and tidy, so I sympathise with those with OCD tendencies towards tidiness, but I can see it from your DP's point of view too. If someone was constantly moving my stuff so that I couldn't find it IN MY OWN HOUSE, I think that would drive me up the wall after a while.

Having said that, moving a pad of paper from on the floor underneath the phone table to on top of the phone table doesn't sound devastating. Him hiding your bag and keys is just petty and unnecessarily cruel.

Your tidying habit sounds annoying but if your DP was less of a twat it wouldn't be an issue.