Am more drowning than swimming, and it just keeps getting worse

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

i am at breaking point, not in a metaphorical sense but a very real sense, and I feel stretched so thin trying to carry on, but people keep piling more shit on me and i keep just coping as things keep getting worse and worse, and i keep papering over the cracks and making everything ok, and changing my plans and my future to work out a way through everything, and i just can't do it anymore. If it wasn't for my son i would have cracked or run away or something so many months ago, but i have to keep going for him but just now i just don't have it in me.

I'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE SO FUCK OFF, LEAVE ME ALONE I CAN'T COPE ANYMORE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND I CAN'T MAKE IT BETTER THIS TIME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO YOU SELFISH WANKERS FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF.

sorry for shouting at you, but its not like anyone else is listening. i'm sorry swearing not at you.

posted before, so heres a very long recap and update. sorry its so long, i can;t work out whats important and whats not, and where t start with any of it.

1. crap parents (completely screwed up childhood am still trying to get rid of the legacy of my screwed up brain). they taught me to accept people treating me like shit, and to not even recognise when they are doing it. and that i am worthless, and that i have to make everyone else happy as everyone else is more important than me, and that i am a selfish bitch.

bloody awful christmas. d&v bug all through christmas, me and ds. Struggled up to my parents on the train (whilst still vomiting and having taken an awful lot of imodium to get through the journey). Really wanted to stay at home but knew there would be hell to pay if i did (their first christmas as grandparents).

Got to my parents, my mum was rude and just went 'errr' in a disgusted tone of voice and walked off. and didn't even ask me how i was or say oh i am sorry, just walked off in a huff, as she is ill and decided i was being ill to spite her and 'take the limelight'. a great christmas of pretending everything was ok, (havent even told them about splitting up with h, as my mother would just make it all about her, and make my life hell). couldn't even phone anyone to feel better, as there is no privacy and no boundaries in that house. one night they blatantly turned on the baby monitor to listen to me when i was upstairs with my ds, and my mother stormed out of the room and called me a cruel hard person when i told them i'd take up the monitor in future to safeguard my privacy.

1. horrible h (posted about him before, selfish horrible horrible man who destroyed my confidence and self esteem, and i ended up doing everything for him for 6 years as he has problems that he won't deal with being from a war torn country. he left me when i found out i was pregnant, he came back but was bloody horrible the whole time, still didn't get a job, and promises always broken. Then a few months ago in my last attempt to try and sort it out with him he hit me. finished it with him, and its never happened again, and have not felt threatened by him before or since. however, he's still mentally abusive and awful. but he is still around - more on this later, not out of me wanting him anywhere near me, but out of necessity. he was really mean to me tonight which is the thing that sparked this post.

Told mumsnet about him and then told GP. GP reported it to SS as they have to for mums with babies under 1 yr old. SS gave me a total horrible panic and made me feel under interrogation. They left after the initial visit and had no idea what was going on, as they kept telling me about children they'd taken away. they told me they'd contact me in 7 working days to let me know the results However a few months later and i have heard nothing, so my gp says it means they don't think he's at risk. thank god, but still. thats what asking for help does.

1. dead sister (only person that ever cared about me properly, and even though it happened almost 3 years ago i still feel like my soul has broken)

1. debts with 1yr 3 months left to pay plus credit card, plus £6000 from a friend - only way of paying it off is working full time at current job including going abroad regularly and crazy hours. h is doing the childcare as cant afford any other.

1. health problems that seem to keep getting worse, and now been diagnosed with the same syndrome that my sister died of - they reckon, as it was not diagnosed in my sister. i prob have it less badly, as am not dead and if i had it that badly i would be by now. (thats actually what the consultant said. he wasn't very helpful). oh and i also have arthritis in my pubic bone, but he didn't say what that means. Except to say there was an operation they can do to relieve the pain but he won't do it as i told him the pain in my back wrists and collar bone was worse. which it is, as its excruciating, and the pubic bone pain is just agonising. fuck. its hereditary so ds may have it (not the pubic bone thing, the syndrome). can;t think about this.

its all so bloody bloody awful. can;t tell parents, as they wouldn't react well. look how they reacted about a stomach bug. really wouldn't be better for something more serious. told h and he's still acting like a bastard.

paying for private physio as was on the waiting list for nhs for 5 months, and have now screwed that up anyway. can;t afford private physio but i need to get better somehow as i have to keep going for my son.

1. waiting for referral to a specialist who will be able to tell me how bad i have it, and also referral to a pain specialist. my sister went to a pain specialist and said it was useless, all about how you think about your pain, and it shouldn't stop you doing things. mind you, no one bothered to diagnose her with the right thing so the pain was her body slowing collapsing.

1. have no support in rl, except bloody h, and make makes me pay mentally. did mention that health stuff to ss but got blank looks about any help they could give me. tried homestart and various other charities but no help there either, homestart doesn;t operate in my area and other charities make a big deal out of not providing physical help, just emotional. am on anti-depressants and on waiting list to see a councellor but its been 5 months. could talk to my gp, but since the whole ss episode, i just cant open up to her, even though i know she was just doing her job.

1. got back from my parents to find a letter from my NHS physio discharging me as i didn't show up for an appointment before christmas, had the bug then, and totally forgot as i can't hold anything together at the moment and that was my one source of hope. shit shit shit.

1. work were vaguely ok when i went back in october (when ds was 8 months). but now they want me to travel again, and won't understand about needing a proper desk cos of pain, they want me to hot desk again, and i can tell they are getting pissed off that am not doing as much work as i used to (used to do 70 hrs a week min to be able to get through it all). find myself working at 2 am when ds is asleep just to get things done, and even then am not keeping up. havent told them about recent diagnosis, as the HR woman isn't known for her discretion, and can;t cope with it being bloody gossip. but if i don't tell them then how can i make them understand i need a bit more help and not back to travelling every other week.

10. trying to give up breast feeding as hormones bad for the syndrome thingy, but its awful and i hate giving up, i feel am losing my connection with ds. Down to once a day but can't make that final leap.

11.. ds doesn;t sleep well at all. up 5-10 times a night with him. doesn't help with the pain as incredibly painful getting out of bed and can;t lift him from sitting as muscles too weak. not ggod for mental resilience either. getting better a bit now as for the last 5 days am trying to do a sleep routine with him, as i think part of the problem was that h was trying to 'help', but making things worse (as he does with everything actually).

12. was talking to one friend who asked why i had taken some days off work this week, saying 'thats not clever as you need all those days for the rest of the year', i replied that i needed those days off now as i am worn to a frazzle and i can't carry on', and he said i was making a fuss!!! similiarly told another friend that was finding it hard before christmas and she said 'well you wanted to keep the baby, and nobody said it was going to be easy', and then when i was trying to explain its not about the baby, she just kept interrupting with 'nobody said it was going to be easy'.

13. h came round tonight after not turning up to look after ds yesterday so i missed an appointment. He came round tonight as i needed to go swimming (building strength key to getting a bit better). ds screamed all the time he was here apparently, which is i think as he is teething, but h was obviously upset with that and maybe thts why he was so mean to me after.

14. he then said he's stopping childcare at end of jan as he 'needs to stand on his own two feet and get a job'. except he won;t pay for childcare, so he's basically dumping me in it and making me somehow make everything work again. and i can't.

ok, i guess i should say---

BREATHE! Don't stop and now your going to have to swim to shore.

Clearly you are a very capable woman, who just has a lot of crap surrounding her.

Here is what I would do:

Find a trust worthy child carer for your DC. Then go back to work, work, work, work. Does your work provide private healthy insurance? axa/bupa? Look into what they offer, believe me if you've got Axa ppp your life is as good as saved. If you don't have it, look into getting private cover (really, private health insurance can offer better medical care especially during a time the NHS is soo overstretched).

If private health insurance is not viable option, fine. Get some child care, go to work, obliviate your H out of your life for a while, forget your folks for a bit and get to you and your DS and just make it all about the two of you. When your better mentally/physically you can revisit all these other stresses and deal with each one individually.

hope this helps.

I remember your posts from before, and I remember the really good advice you were given. I am so sorry that things are getting worse with your health, do you want to tell us the new diagnosis and how it affects you? As I advised you before disabled adults social services should be able to offer you some help. I went to a pain clinic and I found it changed my life, there were two people who were very huff about it and left after the first day, it is horses for courses I suppose. They won't get rid of the pain, they will help you to manage yourself so that you avoid getting into situations that make the pain worse, with the use of psychology, physiotherapy, relaxation, exercise and occupational therapy.

You have not by your post gone to disabled adults to get help, women's aid regarding abuse from exh, solicitor for advice on divorce and custody issues, or cab to sort out your debt.

If I was you, I would go and see the agencies mentioned above. I would get your evidence together and get legal assistance for your employers and now that the disability discrimination act is inforce they can't make you do what you are phyically and mentally unable to do, and make sure that the pr lady has to make a point of now sharing your personal information, be wise about this .

Your health is number one priority here, physically and mentally. Go to gp and get referral for physio again, explain why, chase up counselling also, and any other helath aspects you have been ignoring, get pain killers etc, and if you have rhumatiod arthritis (the one with swellings) you MUST take the meds, as the swelling you see in jonits is also fluid around internal organs, such as heart and brain. Ask for referral to pain clinic. Stop neglecting yourself. If the counselling is going to take longer, go private, you are obviously at breaking point now. Avoid toxic parents for the time being.

Second is the issue with your ds, you need to speak to social services yourself, both families and disabled adults. You need to speak to a solicitor about your exh and the issues you posted about last time. Option 1, get a childminder for ds, option 2, take a sabatical from work to care for ds yourself. I am in shock that you still have exh caring for ds, knowing he was abusive and it was going to affect custday etc.

Third is the work issues. Speak to the cab about this, they will be hot on dda. Then when you are informed you go in and speak to work about your disability.

Fourth the debts. Speak to the cab about this, I think you were advised that bankrupcy may be the way to go last time?

Fifth, keep posting xxx

VERY good advice there from MH, imo.

You sound like you're on one of those luge runs, feeling as if you just have to cling on & keep hurtling down ever faster no matter how much it hurts. Wrong! This is your life, not an extreme sport. You can slow it down, change the rules, get off and admire the view any time you like.

So STOP, Double!

Why should you "make it better" for everyone else? How about making it better for yourself? Have you never listened to the pre-flight safety advice on the plane? "Secure your own oxygen before attempting to help others." Because you can't help anyone if you're dead (or in a long-term care facility).

Stop. Cancel your life for a couple of hours. Sit quietly, alone. Digest the very good advice you've been offered. Write a plan of action - a better life plan. Timetable it. Do it. Keep posting, you'll get plenty of support.

Double- so sorry to hear. Good advice above. Keep action list a strike through actions when done.

ItGrace- you are up early!