It's taken me 35 years to realise that my own mother isn't worth the effort

[ScreamEagle]

My biological mum walked out on me and my db when we were 1 and 3 respectively. Left us both in bed alone for 3 hours til my father came home from work not knowing where on earth she was.

Real mum sent cards as I grew up but I hardly saw her and I was separated from my brother as he lived with my grandparents so rarely saw him either. Hence we ahve never had a close relationship - anything we have had has been pretty superficial.

Things been brought into pretty sharp focus of late since the death of my beloved maternal grandma and what looks like the imminent(ish) demise of my grandfather from a broken heart. He has sunk into a deep depression since she died and has home helps to care for him as he refuses to do any self help or self care. Also my real mum remarried a couple of weeks ago and I was totally shocked by a comment she made.

My mother went off on her honeymoon declaring she did not want to know if he died whilst she was away, that she wanted to enjoy her holiday.

I have come to the conclusion (belatedly it seems) that she is a shallow, self-centred woman. If this were a friend I would have binned them by now and I wonder why should the fact she is my mother make a difference?

How would I explain to my kids though if they didn't see her again?

And nor am I obviously as no-one has bothered to reply.

I'll get me coat.

Goodness, SE, it's hard to know what to say. Your bio mum doesn't sound very pleasant. (It seems unfair to whoever raised you, to call your bio mum, your "real" mum.)

Lots of people are estranged from their parents or in-laws, presumably they just say to the kids, "we don't get on with them"?

i use the term "real" mum as a way of differentiating, that's all.

Thing is, I can almost understand her walking out on a crap marriage - but that's between my parents, nowt to do with me really. But leaving your kids alone on their own in the house and no-one knows?

And then saying she doesn't want to know if her own father died? The woman is a disgrace.

I don't think the fact she's your mum should make any difference. Like you said, you wouldn't put up with this from a friend so IMO it shouldn't matter that she's your mum - that doesn't give her the right to treat you how she likes and expect you to put up with it

How old are your kids? Have they had much contact with your mum? If they're very young and haven't had much contact with her I don't think you'll have to explain anything cos I doubt if they'll ask, but if they did perhaps you could simply say that you don't get on very well with her until they're old enough for you to be able to explain properly

If your kids enjoy having contact with her, I'd see her for that purpose - but only that purpose. But given she appears to have demonstrated no interest in her parents or her own children, it seems unlikely she has any real interest in your kids? I'd be surprised if they were that fussed about seeing her in that case.

Family is different from friends, we tend to put up with a lot more crap from them, for starters! But there are limits and your mum really doesn't sound worth the effort, quite frankly.

ScreamEagle - your mum doesn't sound very nice. I wonder, though, if she reached some kind of 'breaking-point' when you were small and just had to get out?

Sorry to hear of the loss of your grandma and your grandfather's illness. Again, I wonder if your mum's insensitive comment was made in some way to protect her - ie, she can't cope with real life and its losses and disappointments?

I suppose what you tell your kids would be dependent on whether you wanted them to know the truth or not. How old are they?

My own kids are 13 11 9 2.5 and 9mths. The older 3 have had a lot of contact until I moved away and then unless I make the effort we don't meet up. |Same for my brother and his kids.

I guess what i've done is build up a picture of her in my mind as I was grwoing up, a kind of fantasy figure if you like, and she has never quite matched that.

Do what is right, but don't say forever Eagle. Take the lead at this time and make distance between you and your blood mum. Get the distance and time right and YOU will feel better, but don't cut your kids off.

Hard not to want to freek out, sounds very upsetting time you've had because of her actions. Try Try Try to back off without a hoo ha. Sort of a quiet, strong and patient type reaction hard but you will be rewarded.

Me reading this is what prompted me to start the other thread Screameagle
I am getting more and more irritated by my mums behaviour, she is driving me up the wall and she says and does things in front of my dds that are racist and bigotted and she is rude and self centered and she drops litter and shes bloody awful actually.
She did not used to be like this. I must mentions she also farts in public for the humour factor of it.
Your thoughts have opened up my feelings.
I dont know if I could cut all ties, I have the most awful feeling im going to end up playing the same stupid mind games my mum does to get one over on her...which is ALL i need
Selfcentred is my mum.

I see charliebat!

I have some mannerisms similar to my "real" mum which is spooky seeing as I didn't grow up with her.

I asked myself the other day whether I could stay abroad on holiday if my father had died. I couldn't do it and it's really highlighted how different we really are.

It's left me feeling pretty shocked.

i totally understand the bit about building up an image of your birth mother, i did the same then met her when i was 14 and it was a big let down, i would give it some time and space then see how you feel, how was your birth mothers relationship with her father?

She used to (and still does) go over to his house every weekend and have Sunday dinner together. When I lived close by i would join them too with my dd and ds1.

Whilst g/d has been ill she is going over but I get the impression after speaking to her that she is tiring of this especially now she ahs remarried.